Changes

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the changes our dynamic has gone through over time. I think it’s so beautiful, and I’m very happy! Be warned, this is likely to be a novel.

This relationship really is my first experience with adult relationships. My view of high school dating is that it is practice dating unless you marry your sweetheart. Even then, I think statistics probably show that nowadays these marriages don’t end up being life long commitments. So, when I say it’s my first adult relationship I mean that it is the first relationship I entered into outside of high school that I considered to have long term possibilities.

This wasn’t the case early on, though. In fact the entire premise of the first 6 months was that this would be a temporary relationship. He was going to train me and help me gain some experience for a year or so, at which point he would help me move on to a more permanent situation. I was told very clearly that he was not going to fall in love with me and I was not going to be his slave. He’d done this before, and I really had no clear idea what I was looking for. I thought gaining some experience before seeking out a relationship made a lot of sense.

I actually think this is a large part of the reason I was able to be comfortable with poly. I had never been exposed to poly before, but I thought I could give it a try given the temporary nature of things. I really didn’t think I was going to be wired for it. But, I got along well enough with CC and I really did want to learn from Him. It was a safe way to expose myself to everything without feeling that I had to jump in and commit.

You can’t always plan this stuff, though. As it turned out I had very few issues with poly, even as my feelings for Him started to deepen. The only thing that was really difficult for me was the fact that I had to keep walls up. I could only go so far in submission with Him because he was only going to allow things to get to a certain level. I knew that no matter how good I was or how much I wanted it, I could not make him have feelings for me that he told me very clearly weren’t there.

During this time, although CC was fine with poly and my presence in their lives, we weren’t close. She put me very far on the side and that’s where I stayed for a long time. Even as things started to change with my Owner and it appeared that this might be a more long term possibility, the change in mindset came very gradually. In fact, this was one of my main concerns at one point- that I would have a solid relationship with my Owner but never be integrated in his family. Then I moved in.

Out of Sorts

I’m in a pretty weird place today. Unfortunately I can’t go into all the details, but I can say I’ve been involved in a pretty big screwup. I’m one of those people who tends to be very hard on myself. I have a lot of ingrained guilt, and even when I haven’t screwed up big time I can usually find several examples of mistakes throughout a given day. If left to my own devices I could easily find a reason why I deserve punishment all the time.

My  Owner doesn’t view me the same way.  One of the earliest pieces of advice he ever gave me was, “Being a better submissive means learning to trust your Dominant to punish you when you need it and not do it to yourself.”  I’ve always taken that to heart, but I’m not terribly good at putting it into practice.  You can probably imagine that if I’m guilt ridden in general, I’m ridiculous when I have something specific to obsess about.

I spilled the beans about the situation to my Owner yesterday.  This wasn’t really shocking news to him because we’ve been in communication about what I’m doing continuously, but I was feeling shocked and blindsided by the way the situation came to a head.  I still don’t know what the outcome is going to be. But, I’m feeling horrible and guilty. I was sure I would be in trouble, and yesterday I cried. But, I also was left wondering because I am no longer allowed to ask if I am in trouble, and he didn’t say.

We were supposed to have our regular talk today. I figured I would find out then. But, we didn’t get to talk. I did ask him how long I should worry/ wonder about things now that I’m not allowed  to ask if I’m in trouble. He says he plans to tell me when I’m in trouble right away most of the time. He gave no indication that I am in trouble over this issue.

I just don’t know how to feel. Part of me is relieved, and part of me feels so horrible that I’d rather receive some absolution. I’ve got to find a way to put his advice into action and let him be the judge, not me.

Kung Fu Flogging

So, when I wrote the rant bellow, I was not looking to do that. I started writing initially with the intent of writing about a funny flogging scene that took place between CC, my Owner, and myself.  Weird how that kind of thing can happen huh? So anyway, I’m going to attempt once again to write about this other episode.

It started innocently enough. We were all sitting in the livingroom when CC said, “Sir, will you flog bridget?” He looked at her funny and said, “What, now?” her answer was, “Well, tonight. I want to practice for tomorrow.” Apparently she wanted to try some flogging at the local club the following night but  needed to be shown a few things and gain some confidence. I was on board with this plan, because I absolutely adore being flogged.  In fact, it is one of the few activities that will put me in that trance like state some folks like to call subspace.

It didn’t turn out quite that way, though. First, our Owner declared that I was going to keep my clothes on. This made sense for practice and safety, but I was still sad! What can I say, I think you really should be naked for a flogging! Also, he didn’t want to flog me while CC watched, instead he told me where to go and handed her the flogger. His plan was to let her try it out and have the two of us give her feedback.  This worked well enough,  and every once in a while he took hold of the flogger and landed a particularly hard blow, just to keep me on my toes.

The whole atmosphere was light hearted and funny, but I really couldn’t stop laughing when he decided he was going to do both of us at once.  He had us stand facing each other and each hold on to the other one. Then he started to use the flogger to smack our asses, one after the other. This sounds simple, but there is a minor problem. I am very short at 5′2″, whereas CC is very tall, at 6′.  This caused a number of comments and laughter, eventually culminating in my Owner squatting down and waving the flogger in a comical attempt at aiming.

We all cracked up at this, and when we did finally catch our breath we said it looked like a crazy kung fu move. Someone (probably me, because I am dorky this way) started singing, “Everybody was kun fu flooooggging….” It was one of the more amusing ends to a play session I’ve ever been part of! I promised them both I would relate it here, but I think perhaps it is one of those, “You would have had to be there” moments.

I still want a proper flogging, though. This ended up being a big tease more than anything!

Are We Real?

I’ve been thinking a bit about how “we” as members of “the lifestyle” take ourselves so very seriously. Haven’t we all encountered it in one way or another? Elitism in our community takes many forms.

First, there are the “braggers”. These folks have always been in the lifestyle 20+ years no matter their age or actual experience level. If they happen to be in their twenties they will simply tell you how they were raised in a D/s household. These people tend to tell you all about how they know everything there is to know about every type of toy, and they are likely to have large collections of fancy BDSM equipment to prove their point. You will be hard pressed to find them actually showing off their skills, though. They love to make you feel inferior if you can’t match up to their level of experience or skillset.

Don’t get me wrong, I think it is absolutely essential for those new to kink to learn from those who have been around a while. I’m not implying that everyone with years of experience and a big toy collection is in this category. There is a very distinct difference between having skills and using them and talking about them unsolicited to anyone who you suspect may be new, though. Also, there is frankly no excuse for putting someone else down to stroke your own inflated ego. If you need 30 floggers to make yourself feel Dominant, fine, but don’t tell other tops that they are inferior.

Then there are the “serious lifestylers.” Some of the braggers also fit into this category. These people tend to ascribe to the one true way model of doing things. They establish power exchange dynamics with all the right buzz words. If you talk to a “serious lifestyler” submissive you will probably be told all about how submission is a gift, but never assume he or she is a doormat. If you happen to be talking to one of these people online you will probably also notice that Dominants and submissives respectively use capitalized or lower case letters. If one of them happens to need to refer to both types of people at the same time they are likely to say something like, “W/we A/all need to meet at the O/our place before heading to the club.” This crowd likes to label anyone who just likes to have kinky sex or enjoys playing at the club but isn’t interested in 24/7 D/s or M/s as a “wannabe” and makes sure everyone knows that the only true way to enjoy BDSM is in the context of a 24/7 relationship.

Wrong Focus?

“Am I in trouble Sir?”

“You need to stop asking that question.  I will let you know if you are in trouble. If you are focused on that you’re focused on the wrong thing.”

Um… oh.

That was the conversation we had this morning. I’m really not even sure how to respond to it. I have a feeling he thinks I am in a different place than I am.  See, the reason I always ask if I am in trouble isn’t because I focus on punishment, or that I’m trying to do the minimum to avoid getting in trouble. I realize that part of being a slave is failing at times and that my focus should be on serving him  the best I can rather than avoiding punishment.

So why do I ask, then? Well, because I need more processing time than he does.

If I’ve made a mistake that I’m not in trouble for, I have plenty of time to go through it in my head and try to correct it.  If I am in trouble that isn’t the case. I have to be in the right frame of mind by the time he is ready to punish me.  Actually, that’s not true. I’m not sure he cares much what frame of mind I am in when he punishes me, but I don’t think it is as effective or productive if I’m in a bad place.

My Owner says that the point of punishment is to correct any behavior that he doesn’t like. That’s all well and good, and I think it is probably the point for him. It doesn’t really get to the point for me, though. The reason for this is two fold. First: I’m very hard on myself. If he tells me I’ve done something wrong he doesn’t need to punish me in order to get me to make changes.  Second: punishment itself doesn’t correct anything.  It does sometimes serve to reinforce a correction already made, but without that in place the punishment teaches me nothing.

That’s why I still have to do the mental work.  I have to come to a point where I can make the punishment valuable. I can’t do that nearly as effectively if it is sprung on me without warning.  So, I ask. But, he’s just told me to stop asking. So, I don’t ask?

If I don’t ask, how do I make sure that I stay in a place where being in trouble serves it’s purpose? I’m not sure. We have our scheduled talk tomorrow, so maybe he has some ideas. I really want to explain myself to him. I already started to, although I cut myself off well before I wanted to. I suppose that’s why I’m writing this, to get the explaining bug out of my system so I can stop bothering him with it.

This is really going to take some working out. I’ll be sure to report back if I have any light bulb moments.  I’d love to hear thoughts from you all, though. My guess is you might have better ideas than me.  And by the way, I still have no idea if I’m in trouble for the issue I was asking about. I guess I get to wait and see!

What Goes Around…

I’ve been having some new experiences lately. As someone with a strong punishment fetish and a highly submissive personality, I’ve never really given much thought to topping. I’ve also never had much of an opportunity to pursue it. This is all changing, though, because I’m involved with a new guy. A new submissive guy.  Both of us are dabbling a little bit with topping, and although I’m incredibly unskilled I’m finding a few activities very appealing.

I’ve recently been planning a “punishment” scene with him, and I’ve been discussing pieces of it with my better halves (mainly my Owner). The primary reason for this is to bounce ideas around and get an idea of what is likely to work and what isn’t. I’ve also needed a little bit of technical consultation. I’m actually feeling a little bit evil, although I have no certainty about how any of my plans are likely to turn out. It will definitely be an interesting experiment! Hopefully he will be forgiving while I figure things out.

One person who is not very likely to be forgiving is my Owner. Although  he seems to be enjoying watching me figure this stuff out, he issued a very stern warning to me the other day. I was laying in bed with him describing my fantasy and he turned it around on me.  As he started repeating my own ideas at me I began to get nervous. Finally I asked him, “Are you going to do this to me?” His answer was, “No, but just remember that what goes around comes around.”

Somehow I don’t think he is likely to let me get too caught up in this topping stuff.  I know he will bring me back down to my place, and I think that makes me lucky.

Too Much Communication?

Someone commented on my last post that it seems that we are not communicating 100%. It’s definitely true that yesterday I didn’t pursue the conversation with CC. But, I did talk to her today. I had a feeling that I was being overly paranoid, but I wanted to wait a little bit. Usually giving these types of thing a day to digest is all that is needed. She said all the same things I put in my post yesterday about why I shouldn’t feel guilty. After all, they were finished already! So, it’s good to know that the drama was all in my head. Half the time that’s the only place it is, anyway!

It’s funny, if you ever read any books about polyamory they will inevitably emphasize communication. Because, well, communication is key. Things that monogamous couples can get away with ignoring poly groups almost always have to deal with explicitly at some point. So, this isn’t wrong. But, I think it can be taken too far. There does come a point where you’ve talked through things and need to be able to move forward without having to sit down and rehash things every other day. I actually consider that to be the point of communication: reaching a point where things can move forward.

Another communication trap I sometimes fall into is my need for over sharing. Especially when I first became involved in the lifestyle, CC became the primary person I told everything that our Owner did with me. This is because I had literally no experience with any sexuality (I had never even made out with anyone) and because I did not have any other scene friendly contacts at the time. I think we both understand why it was, but it drove her totally crazy. It took me quite a while for the novelty to wear off and not to have a need to talk through every experience that I had. Even today there are occasionally times when I have a stronger need to share than she has to hear. So, I do still guard against it.

The thing about poly is that while there is a lot that is joyously shared, ultimately you are still dealing with relationships made up of individuals. Individuals are capable of loving many people, but they still need to have elements of their relationships that are unique. The other thing about people, poly or otherwise, is that they need to have privacy and intimacy that is not shared. Even if you yourself are maintaining boundaries about what you want to share with others, it can still feel like a violation if you have to hear all the details from someone else.

I’ve talked to people who consider this to be a manifestation of jealousy. I’ve been told that our relationship is unhealthy because we don’t want to share everything. Obviously, I disagree. I think that is striking the balance between sharing and maintaining individualism. We don’t choose to keep some things to ourselves because we “can’t handle” hearing about them. There is a lot that we share. But, claiming the right to keep things to ourselves doesn’t make us jealous. It makes us self aware.