Changes

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the changes our dynamic has gone through over time. I think it’s so beautiful, and I’m very happy! Be warned, this is likely to be a novel.

This relationship really is my first experience with adult relationships. My view of high school dating is that it is practice dating unless you marry your sweetheart. Even then, I think statistics probably show that nowadays these marriages don’t end up being life long commitments. So, when I say it’s my first adult relationship I mean that it is the first relationship I entered into outside of high school that I considered to have long term possibilities.

This wasn’t the case early on, though. In fact the entire premise of the first 6 months was that this would be a temporary relationship. He was going to train me and help me gain some experience for a year or so, at which point he would help me move on to a more permanent situation. I was told very clearly that he was not going to fall in love with me and I was not going to be his slave. He’d done this before, and I really had no clear idea what I was looking for. I thought gaining some experience before seeking out a relationship made a lot of sense.

I actually think this is a large part of the reason I was able to be comfortable with poly. I had never been exposed to poly before, but I thought I could give it a try given the temporary nature of things. I really didn’t think I was going to be wired for it. But, I got along well enough with CC and I really did want to learn from Him. It was a safe way to expose myself to everything without feeling that I had to jump in and commit.

You can’t always plan this stuff, though. As it turned out I had very few issues with poly, even as my feelings for Him started to deepen. The only thing that was really difficult for me was the fact that I had to keep walls up. I could only go so far in submission with Him because he was only going to allow things to get to a certain level. I knew that no matter how good I was or how much I wanted it, I could not make him have feelings for me that he told me very clearly weren’t there.

During this time, although CC was fine with poly and my presence in their lives, we weren’t close. She put me very far on the side and that’s where I stayed for a long time. Even as things started to change with my Owner and it appeared that this might be a more long term possibility, the change in mindset came very gradually. In fact, this was one of my main concerns at one point- that I would have a solid relationship with my Owner but never be integrated in his family. Then I moved in.
This was a gradual process as well, with my slowly spending more and more time at the house. By the time I got rid of my apartment I really was already living here. It’s hard to draw the line for when exactly I moved in. Still, it was a big adjustment. With my apartment, although we were spending a huge amount of time together there was still somewhere to go.  We also had a young baby in the home and there are always adjustments around that. Both CC and I need a lot of space, and my living here meant that neither of us were getting much of it.

The first year of living here full time was really hard for me. I was staying home full time and struggling a lot to adjust to that. CC had her own issues in this area. Although I don’t want to speak for her, I suspect she would far rather have been home with her own baby. We always stayed friendly, but it was a struggle to figure out where both of us fit. I felt insecure often because I have no legal standing, and our Owner is not nearly as big on labels as I am.

I found myself continually saying, “We aren’t a family because we live together, that makes us roommates. Unless you feel that my being gone would mean something is missing, and you don’t think someone else could easily come and do what I do, then we can’t really say we are family.” I also found myself frustrated with the ingrained mode of thought that was, “Us, and bridget” rather than simply, “Us.”  Does this mean I moved in too soon? Maybe. Although I highly doubt there would have been a better moment. Sometimes you have to make a choice to do this stuff even though you know there may be issues ahead. And, in my opinion anyway, some of these changes in mindset can’t even begin to happen if you are living separately.

Which brings us back to my relationship with CC. I was already firm in my relationship with my Owner. The problem is, to make a family I needed more than that. And, for all that CC and I liked each other, I really don’t think we were there yet.  But, little by little I’ve noticed that I felt closer to her. I’ve been afraid to say too much about it for fear that I was misinterpreting it! We did eventually start to talk about it, though. Little by little things started coming out both in our discussions with each other and in our discussions with friends. In no particular order, the things I’ve noticed are:

-she started referring to us as having a “sister dynamic” and agreed to be referred to as my “sister slave” in appropriate situations.

-she started including me in things with the kids that previously were somewhat off limits.

-she started referring to me as the “other mom” in the kids lives. So did the children.

-we are able to see the same person (other than our Owner) at the same time. Previously that would have been too much sharing outside the primary relationship.

-she said she felt that our seeing the same person has actually brought us closer

-she said she has romantic feelings for me

-she said she loves me and needs me in this family when previously she did not

-she said I am one of her best friends

-she said we do not have hierarchy with each other despite having different roles

-she became more willing to be open about our family with “outsiders” such as the kids school.

That’s a pretty long list, and it’s far from complete. The point is, all of these feelings of connectedness took time. It’s been hard work to get here, and it will continue to be hard work to stay here and to go deeper.  For me, this is really the point of poly. It’s the ultimate goal- above and beyond getting to be sexual with as many partners as you want. I am poly because I have a need to share love with many people, and I’m fortunate to have a family that I love and that loves me back.

I’m an only child.  I’ve never had a sister. There is an intimacy here that I can’t fully describe, but that is just as real and as meaningful as the intimacy I share with our Owner. It’s something that is deeply moving to me, and I can only hope that it will continue and endure.  Sometimes it’s the love that is slow to build that endures forever and the intense passionate romance that fades.