So, I was punished the other day. I didn’t really disagree with it because I definitely made a mistake. He had planned to have some large items hauled away,and a couple of months ago I signed up for it. Yet, we missed the date for that even though all of us had mentioned it and wondered about it in the days leading up to it. That’s pretty cut and dried, right?
But, my Owner and I are sort of at an impasse about some of the finer details. You see, although I did definitely mess up and did deserve to be punished, I felt that this was an issue where responsibility was shared between the three of us. I felt CC could and should have just as easily solved this issue the several times she brought it up, and similarly so could he. So, I’m not saying I shouldn’t have done it, because I should have. I’m also not making any judgments about whether or not CC should be punished (although I think he thinks so). I just think we all failed.
This is exacerbated a little bit by the fact that I have at times felt that I’ve been blamed for things that were not really my fault. At times it seems he arbitrarily assigns responsibility to me for things without any care or notice of the fact that CC and I already have a system for things. This has been an issue for both of us in trying to understand what He expects from us as individuals. I’ve expressed this before, and I know he doesn’t really like it.
Anyway, this time when I told him that I was sorry for my part in it and could see why he wanted to punish me for it, I also mentioned that I think we all fell short here. He didn’t like that. He said I was playing a martyr and refusing to take real responsibility for my actions. I never did figure out how to respond to this, because I really don’t think I did that. I feel like I have taken responsibility for my mistake, and I did accept the consequences of that. But, I can’t force myself to agree with him that it was “all” my fault and noone else did anything wrong. Is it reasonable to expect that if I don’t agree with him then I’m not taking responsibility? I don’t know.
I don’t feel like I’ve passed the buck. I feel like I made a mistake and paid for it. I don’t think making observations about the broader situation makes me a martyr, or takes away my responsibility in it. But he does. I don’t know how to make myself agree with him here, but I’d like to because I really don’t like him approaching me this way. It feels like I’m disappointing him no matter what way I look at it.
Part of me wants to keep explaining because I think in part he just doesn’t “get” where I am coming from. Yet, explaining always seems to come across as excuse making,and I already know how he feels about that. So I guess where that leaves me is… sad. I’m sad that he thinks I am playing a martyr, and sad that I can’t get my head where he wants it. Bummer.
Dear Bridget, it is not about the finer details, and not about whether CC should also be held responsible. And it is certainly not about your being blamed for “the whole thing.”
Take a deep breath. Put yourself in the place of whether or not you desire to submit to his will. A martyr is one who is treated unjustly for being faithful. Your master can’t treat you so, because his will is your will. A slave is only justified by her Master, by obedience, nothing else.
Comment by Billy — May 1, 2008 @ 12:26 PM
I hate when people throw the word martyr around inappropriately. If you had been a martyr about the situation, you would have assumed ALL the responsibility even though it wasn’t all yours, and you would have borne the punishment with that … martyr-like air. I think Billy is onto something here. I think your master used the wrong word because he might not be used to you not submitting to his will and his word unquestioned? Maybe? I know that attitude doesn’t fly with that lifestyle, but as a woman who lives to buck authority, I’m kind of loving it. Regardless of what I feel and my attitudes toward submission, I hope you all resolve the issue to your satisfaction, because you seem like a very nice girl.
Comment by Nora — May 1, 2008 @ 2:20 PM
Nora, well he was using it fairly well because he feels that instead of taking responsibility I was saying, “Oh, well, I think it was other people’s fault too but if you think it was my fault I’ll accept the consequences.”
Comment by youngbridget — May 2, 2008 @ 10:34 PM
Right on. I understand the frustration of just not feeling that mutual understanding. Of course, agreement isn’t necessary for understanding, but it’s a bummer when that understanding can’t seem to be reached. Good luck to you, girl.
Comment by Nora — May 4, 2008 @ 3:03 AM
You make a lot of excuses and explainations. I’ve stumbled upon a lifelong Dom. He would have gone to lenghths to explain semantics. Not sure yours is smart enough. Honey! He didn’t get the meaning of the word!! And, where does your education stand. Lose years to find a single mate with any lifestyle you want, but don’t lose your education. I thought that was the deal. You would pursue it. Funny that you don’t want to leave the house to go to church. Figure it’s the same for school.
One other thing that’s on my mind. The right for you to play with others. You know what the truth of that is my young friend? Men, especiallly DOMinate ones don’t really EVER want to share. They will play with you all day long, though. So, even if you wanted out or the potential of finding something just for yourself, you aren’t going to get it that way.
Seems to me you are the coolest. Why are you putting yourself in this box? A true Dom wants nothing but the best for the Sub. He wants her to grow and expand in all her individualitly. Don’t see a lot of that in your future.
I’m SURE you’ll defend this. Been there done that, Darlin’. You play any recond you want in your head. Some of us are going to continue to try and even the song. I read a lot of blogs, and yours isn’t a square deal.
Comment by susie — May 5, 2008 @ 11:40 AM
Hi Susie,
Do I know you or are you just a “regular” reader?
I’m not sure where you got the impression that I don’t want to leave the house to go to church? Actually, I go to church every Sunday and usually once during the week as well. During Lent and Holy Week I sometimes went three or four times in a week.
As far as education goes, a couple of things. I left in the first place over my Owner’s objection. He is the reason I stayed in school as long as I did the first time, but I was very unhappy with my situation. However we are looking at options for me to go back to school. I have a program picked out and we are working out the financial stuff. I very much want to finish school,and it’s high on the agenda.
I was a little confused by what you said about playing with others. Are you saying that you think I will not actually be allowed to when it comes down to it? Actually, I have maintained relationships with others in the past (even moved in with one of them) and probably will do so in the future. I’ve never encountered any objections to my involvement with anyone outside of our family.
I guess I’m confused about where you’re getting some of your ideas. I’d love to talk to you more about this,though.
Comment by youngbridget — May 5, 2008 @ 3:39 PM
First reply here (I think) . Hi.
Maybe your owner doesn’t want you to be concerned about whether or not someone else could / should have done this? That (in his mind) that doesn’t matter and he thinks your only focus should be on why and how you didn’t remember? That’s my only thought reading this over.
As to Suzie’s comment, not sure who you are or who you *think* Bridget is, but she and her relationships are real and its a reality not reflected in your comment. Your comment makes no sense if you know her. I can only assume mistaken identity.
Comment by Mija — May 5, 2008 @ 9:54 PM
YoungBridget,
No, I do not know you. I am a regular reader. My feild is in writing, sales and marketing. I have spent the last 25 years ‘listening’ to people’s words. As I mentioned, I read a lot of blogs on various things, actually. Yours always bothers me, and it’s not because of the life style you live. (Mija, nothing in my post questioned the ‘realness’ of it, obviously she is living a ‘real’ life! I question her relationship and ability to thrive in THIS one.)
It is difficult to explain exactly, but what I hear in other blogs is people struggling in theirr imperfection but glowing in the light to be all they can be. Your light feels overpowering but stiffled. For such a young person, you don’t write with joy but with lots of quesions and frustration. Perhaps I am wrong. I am glad to hear about the education. That is huge for you and perhaps you were studying in the wrong field, but there absolutely is one for you.
The church reference was made from your post about not wanting to leave the house as it takes so much more effort to right it it’s almost not worth it. There is absolutely no question in your postings of your faith, and it’s importantance to you right now. I’m not sure the age of your Master, but it would seem as there are others around he would assure you had support when you did this.
I find your response to me interesting. I feel it is one of the few responses on anything slightly oppositional that you did not defend, but truly responded thoughtful. Clearly, Mija thought I was attacking. I was not, and remarkably, I think you got it and heard what I wanted your true self to ‘get’. I am in my forties. It takes lots of years to get to the ebb and flow of life that you will hear in a woman of an older age. It is very typical for 20 somethings to question and wrestle with so much in life. What is also typical is a lot of gitty silliness. I don’t see many glimpses of that, and that’s what gives me pause.
I rarely post anywhere. What I learned a long time ago is that I never know what I’m going to say, but generally people need to hear what it is when I do. My writing and speaking have been praised in all kinds of forums, but that’s what I ‘do’. What I ‘am’ is a conduit for something much deeper. Lots of times I know I am giving words that come through me from our Creator. Someting I said ’spoke’ to you. I’m glad. I’ll be lurking. Shout out any time.
Comment by susie — May 6, 2008 @ 7:50 AM
Susie wrote:
“Lots of times I know I am giving words that come through me from our Creator.”
You see, even if everything that had come before this made perfect sense, you just blew up the foundations with this visitation from Planet Batshit Crazy.
Comment by Pablo — May 6, 2008 @ 11:43 AM
Pablo, Darlin, Hunny, I’m fairly certain Bridget the Orthodox Catholic understands when someone of the same faith speaks. Chill out~
Comment by susie — May 6, 2008 @ 7:02 PM
I’ve told myself to stay away from this, but. As a person of faith, and also a person on the kinky side of things, I, like Bridget, frequently find misunderstandings. More so from the “vanilla” side than the kinky side. I find kinky folks to be much more tolerant than others, as a rule.
Like, Pablo, I felt a bit of a clash in the way ideas of Orthodox and conduit were tied together. But then, like Teressa, I do not expect God to do the work, physical or spiritual, that I’m supossed to do for myself.
Bridget, I know, prepares her heart well. And I was so glad to hear that going back to college is high on the list.
Comment by Billy — May 7, 2008 @ 4:40 AM
Billy:
“Like, Pablo, I felt a bit of a clash in the way ideas of Orthodox and conduit were tied together.”
Um, that isn’t a good gloss of my feelings. I didn’t feel ‘a bit of a clash’ between ‘Orthodox and conduit’. I felt a ‘bit of a clash’ between ‘conduit’ and reality. Believing that some deity is speaking through one isn’t ‘orthodox’ anything. It’s delusional.
Comment by Pablo — May 7, 2008 @ 11:58 AM
Susie,
Bridget is not an Orthodox Catholic.
Oh and by the way, please don’t respond to me calling me Darlin’ or Honey. We have names, we sign them, and I’d appreciate if you use mine, if you choose to reply. Although, I know I’m right. She’s not Orthodox Catholic.
Kate James
Comment by Kate James — May 9, 2008 @ 5:33 PM