Feelings

I am in a really strange place right now. I’ve wanted to write here and update, but the words just aren’t really coming. In some ways right now I feel more connected to my Owner than I ever have. We’ve been talking a bit here and there spontaneously and things are generally positive. I’ve gotten many beatings recently and a lot of sexual attention. It also helps to keep things in perspective when I feel the intimacy with him. I start getting a little crazy when I can’t tap into it.

Things around the house are also running more smoothly lately. I have a good system of organization going and all the important things are getting done. I’m starting to feel proficient at some of the “details” of homemaking, like grocery shopping and meal planing. Of course, the older kids are home from school for the summer now, so it is quite possible that all of this is going to be out the window soon.

I’m also enjoying time with the youngest one immensely. We are really close right now and have a lot of fun going to do things. He loves parks right now and is just starting to explore on his own a bit more. I also take him to a baby/ toddler gym class for parents and children and that is turning out to be really good for him. I wish my relationship with the older kids could be like this, but I guess it is the step parents dilemma. I often feel that I have to work so hard to hold onto a little bit of authority that I end up running out of time for fun. Sometimes I feel so guilty about that, and really inadequate as a parent.

The fact that I’m finally feeling settled in as a homemaker makes it so much harder to think about going to work. I know it is what we need as a family, and there are things that are exciting about it. Yet, it feels like I was given a little taste of what I really want and am now having it yanked away just as I was starting to feel that maybe I could achieve it after all. Also, the job hunting process itself is really stressful. That sucks.

Back to the beginning, I’ve also been thinking a lot about a recent beating. I’ve said it before, but I’m not really a masochist. Since I still need to be hurt despite this, I always hope I can demonstrate a certain amount of grace when I’m enduring pain. This never seems to happen, though over time I have learned not to do some basic things like turning over and keeping limbs in the way. Lately I’ve been really struggling with this, though. Every time I’m spanked I find myself waving my feet or arms in the area and getting upset with Him when he brings the implement down on my leg or hand.

Recently I even tried to escape. He was spanking me with the belt and taunting me about my inability to hold still. I got so mad I decided I was done and tried to roll off the bed. The response was immediate. He grabbed me by the hair and pulled me back on the bed. Then I felt all his weight on top of me and his voice in my ear as he said,”You better calm down girl.”

I did calm down eventually, although it took a lot of panting and struggling with myself to achieve it. I still couldn’t hold still for the rest of the beating. When he threw down the belt I cried and said,”Now I feel like a bad girl.” He told me I could take a minute, and then he was gone. I was left alone with myself, and my own disappointment over my behavior was worse than anything he could have said to me. That’s where I am now. So much is happening in my life that I’m not handling with grace. That’s a pattern that needs to change.