Another Goodbye

I’ve been avoiding writing on this blog about the issues between Master and CC because I wasn’t sure how they would feel about it. But, since Master is doing it on his blog and I’m sad today, I’m going to write a bit here.

They’ve been together a long time(a decade). For most of my relationship with Master I’ve viewed their relationship as the given, solid foundation.  It’s also the perspective I’ve brought to our relationship. Yes, I love Master. I’m serious about being his slave. But, for me, I knew I wanted the big picture. I didn’t want to be his slave separate from his family. I’ve written previously about my integration into the family and the changes our dynamic has gone through. What I haven’t written about as much is the balance my relationship with CC and the kids has provided.

Honestly, I’m not sure my relationship with Master would have lasted as long as it has without this. I won’t go into much detail here- Master has already written about some of the issues we’ve gone through on his blog if you want to read them. What I’ll say is that for a significant period in our relationship I’ve been dealing with an Owner who was not always engaged the way I wanted him to be.  Everyone has character flaws, I really have just accepted his and discovered (after much struggle and beating my head against the wall) that I love him and want to be his anyway.

I also discovered directly one of the biggest blessings about poly- no one person has to meet all of your needs. My relationship with CC and my involvement in our family allowed me to thrive and feel sustained at times when my M/s dynamic was messed up or missing. I discovered there was more to us as a family than just my desire to be a kinky sex slave, and I was able to wait for Master to be there with me, rather than having to have it all the time.

Well, CC had a different experience. I suppose this is because she isn’t really submissive in her own right, but really only went that route because Master inspired it in her.  When he checked out she couldn’t just wait around for him to get back to a place of dominance and mastery. Instead, she moured their dynamic and her slave identity and moved away from it.

There are foundational things that will never go away while they are together. She still loves Master, she still wants to serve him and please him. She still wants to feel his leadership in our family. But… she doesn’t feel the same sort of internal drive for submission and guidance and ownership that she had before. She’s grown past it. In fact, she is now pursuing a D/s relationship of her own with another man. She is the D, he is the s. It’s quite intense, and it’s definitely been a catalyst for these issues being forced now.

I’ve kind of known this for a while, but I didn’t analyze it that deeply because she and I have always approached these sorts of issues differently. I thought it would be obvious to Master as well. I thought it was sad, but I also figured that just as our family had more to offer me than just M/s, it also had more to offer them. But, when it became apparent to Master that she is no longer interested in being his slave, it rocked his world. He isn’t sure he can continue to live with her and have a relationship with her if he isn’t the leader.

They’ve been working through it. Sometimes it seems they are going to work it out. CC hasn’t lost her desire to build a family with Master, or for him to be the head of our home. I have felt a huge amount of hope for them. I think Master has had less time to mourn the changes than she has, and it’s going to take him some time to catch up. But, I think it can be done. Or, I did. As of yesterday, I’m not so sure.

CC just made a choice with her sub that I don’t fully understand. It’s not my news to share, but I’ll say it really hurt Master (and me, to a lesser extent). To him, it confirms all of his fears about the direction of their relationship. He’s feeling unloved and unimportant. He says if he isn’t the priority anymore then he can’t live like that.  I don’t know what to think, but I’m afraid that it’s the last straw for them. And, I’m wondering if it was meant to be.

I have to say I’m highly conflicted about all of this. I love both of them, and I can’t quite see my life without either of them. I can’t imagine not seeing the kids every day, or working with CC to make our home run smoothly. I can’t imagine taking care of Master all alone.  I haven’t had much chance to deal with the fact that I’ve lost a sister slave regardless of our living situation, but it’s coming home pretty hard today.

I’m so disoriented. I feel like the entire foundation of the life I’ve chosen is dissolving and I have no control over it. Master says he’s having a hard time with the idea that CC has changed all the rules yet they are supposed to move forward. It dawned on me last night that although he isn’t doing it on purpose, that’s exactly what he is doing to me, too. Everything is changing, and I’m just along for the ride.