I’m really angry this weekend. Actually I’m pretty angry in general right now, and unfortunately a lot of it is directed at CC. It’s sad because I love her so much, and I don’t really know how to deal with the anger I’m feeling in light of that.
I’m angry because I’m feeling displaced. I don’t really understand why she wants to be on her own. I’m upset because I thought we were stable and would maintain our lives and our family regardless of individual relationships. I visualized us continuing to be in each others homes every night, sharing meals, sharing duties. We even talked about the concept that we don’t want to lose each other regardless of what happens with her and Master. I’ve purposely not stopped referring to her as my sister wife because the way I see it we aren’t the ones splitting.
Yet, the last message I’ve received about this is that she now is not sure what she wants from me in terms of involvement. She says I shouldn’t expect family dinners or group activities. She is talking about how to do things “by herself” and that obviously doesn’t include me. She says she has to be careful not to just set up another version of what made her unhappy before. I understand that, but it still hurts. A lot.
I feel like I’m being thrown out of my family. Everyone is making decisions constantly about what works for them, and I guess it doesn’t matter if it works for me. I gave so much of myself to this, and to everyone. I can’t really even believe what’s happening now.
Master says we are supposed to move on, let her go. I’m not there yet. I don’t really know *where* she is. A big part of me feels like splitting homes is the worst decision we can make. I know she doesn’t want to deal with a committe every time she wants to do something, and I know poly living can be stressful. I also think if you know your triggers you can work around that. If she knows what she needs we should be able to provide it. As far as I’m concerned I/we haven’t even been given a chance to provide what she needs.
I’m also catching glimpses of “real colors” on all sides. I’ve had definite moments of “tell me how you really feel why don’tcha?” I think what makes that even harder is that because we are all supposed to be mature adults, apparently it means I’m not supposed to defend myself. It’s somewhat one sided right now. Though I’m sure CC and Master probably feel I’ve done a lot of it myself. It’s easier to recognize the specks in everyone elses eyes.
There are so many things I don’t want to lose, most of them have to do with the kids and the general running of our lives. I can’t believe I won’t see the kids every day. Master says initially we probably can’t even have a room in our home for them. Of course we are going to be highly involved, but it’s just not the same. Visiting your kids and spending time with them does not even come close to the day today things I love so much.
No more putting the baby down.
No more picking out cute outfits for him
No more comforting him when he cries in the middle of the night
No more reviewing history with the boys for school
No more helping with homework while managing dinner and trying to keep the baby out of trouble.
In short, the fabric that has made up my life for last few years is unraveling. My hopes for the future are totally destroyed. My wife doesn’t know how she wants me in her life. My Master is in such a hurry to move out and move on that he can’t even envision waiting until we can afford the right situation. Maybe CC feels that way too, I don’t know. I’m going to have to visit the kids who I’ve loved and parented and given my days and nights to.
I just don’t get it. How can any of this be the right thing?
Dear, dear Bridget, I haven’t commented yet because I feel that an outsider can’t offer anything constructive, not knowing the people personally. But I’ve been reading with concern, following the unfolding story. I felt all along that you were the one trying to love unselfishly, with generosity, while Taoist and the missus were just indulging sexual whims. No offence, since I can’t judge them: but that is how it has been sounding and looking: neither of them has expressed (on blogger, anyway) any concern for what is to become of you and your huge investment in this family. Nor has any of them wondered how it must be for the children to lose their father and nanna-Bridget (don’t know what they call you!) to be replaced with the new uncle/aunt, Jessie.
No wonder if you feel slighted! Your loyalty does you credit as always: your courage is heartbreaking. Personally, I think you’re worth ten times the pair of them.
Since you love them, I hope it turns out somehow in a way that does not cause too much emotional damage to you and them. Best wishes and waves of encouragement being sent your way!
Comment by kannakat — October 19, 2008 @ 3:09 PM
Bridget, I’ve read your blog for some while now, though I honestly can’t remember if I’ve commented before.
My heart goes out to you. I am so, very sorry.
Many years ago, I was in a poly relationship with a man who was my Master, and a woman who was my submissive girlfriend. We each of us had a small child (they were roughly aged 2-6 during the years we were together). I was the at-home parent. I homeschooled the kids (pre-school through kindergarten). They *all* called me Mama. They all slept in bed with me at night. I was the 24/7 parent.
When the relationship fell apart, it was swift. Within just one week we’d scattered: my girlfriend and her daughter 1000 miles away; my Master and his son to another country.
It didn’t have to be that way. But there was so much pain: everyone took the first opportunity that presented. It was devastating for the me, for the children. The looks on the children’s faces, when I had to say goodbye … I can still see them, all these years later (fourteen). It was a mistake, a huge mistake, to end it all that way. But sometimes … sometimes, that’s just the way it goes. We humans are deeply flawed creatures. Pain and loss of love make it awfully hard to be rational.
I apologize for going on. I only wanted you to know that I understand, all to well, what you’re going through. I’m so sorry.
Comment by Elspeth — October 19, 2008 @ 3:37 PM
Bridget, I am so sorry. If you need something that we can do for you… I think you have our phone numbers. Love you.
Comment by sparkle — October 19, 2008 @ 5:41 PM
Kannakat,
Thanks for your kind words of support. I’m certainly not in a position to be unbiased right now because I’m quite upset with both of them. But, it’s also not accurate to say that neither of them has expressed concern for me here. If you take a closer look at their blogs you will find me mentioned. Master just mentioned his concern for me recently, in his acceptance post.
Also, we all want to do what is best for the kids, though I suspect we have some differing views on that right now. I’m just sad to imagine being apart from them.
CC and I do love each other. I don’t think that has really changed. I just don’t know what life looks like right now, and I don’t really know what she wants or needs. I wish she could tell me, but I suspect I won’t be the one she shares that with.
Comment by youngbridget — October 19, 2008 @ 9:54 PM
Thank you, Elspeth. I hope our story won’t end quite like that, but it’s certainly heading in a sad direction. I really don’t get it.
Comment by youngbridget — October 19, 2008 @ 9:56 PM
Honey, you’ know there’s a plane ticket here with your name on it whenever you want to claim it.
Comment by Haron — October 19, 2008 @ 10:27 PM