Consumed

Everyone here is extremely consumed by emotion.  You’ve seen a lot of mine on this blog, it’s one of the ways I’ve processed and dealt with things lately. I’ve wondered a bit how much of it I should put out here, but hey. Where else should I put it,if not here? I’m not sure what’s coming accross about my own personal struggle. It’s intense,and I feel a range of emotions. I suppose they all do,though I only know what I see.

CC hasn’t shared that much about her feelings.I’m not the person she opens up to about those things anyway. I know she has to be going through all sorts of feelings. Most of what I tend to actually see is manifested by distance. She pulls away to get space to think. She pulls away when she feels attacked.She pulls away any time she feels threatened I think.  The distance is a pretty clear sign to me that she’s in a bad place, but I’m not really privileged to know the specifics. Occasionally after the fact I do, but rarely in the moment.

Then there is Master. He is quite angry. Lately it seems I can’t talk to him without running into a big wall of anger. I’m pretty sure CC can’t either. It’s making me very sad and very distrustful. I hope this is a grief stage he is working through, because I don’t like this side of him. The way he is speaking and the decisions he seems to be making are very alien to me. I don’t really even know him anymore. I’ve literally never seen him like this.  I tried to talk to him about this a little bit today, I never know if I’ve been heard.

I think the anger and resentment is extremely destructive. I know everyone feels it and it’s normal, but focusing on it this intensely can’t do anything but continue to break down the few foundations that are still standing. I wonder sometimes if this is what he wants, if he’s trying to burn bridges. He says he is leaving things open but moving on. I feel like he’s slamming doors left and right.

Related only somewhat peripherally, Master says he thinks I’m trying to force them to stay together. He says I need to stop encouraging them to “just keep trying.” It’s odd because I really don’t feel I’m doing that. I do desperately wish they could find a way to live together, and to me it seems they should be able to. But, what I want for them is really independent of that. What I want to see is for them to both drop the crap and come together and focus on their family. I’d like them to be kind to each other. I’d like them to remember that they claim to love each other. I don’t care where everyone lives. I do care that we keep what is really important in perspective.

Right now,  I’m afraid this extreme anger and disconnect is going to fracture everything and I’m going to lose both of them. I don’t know how to begin to get my head around that.