I keep wanting to write about something else. There are some good things in my life right now. As they happen I often think I want to go and write about them, but I never seem to get to it. I hope I will soon. But today I’m finally sitting here with enough clarity to write and the only thing I can get out of me is about the breakup. Go figure.
Master keeps telling me that I need to accept that this is happening. He hasn’t appreciated my efforts to communicate about what needs are, because he assumes my agenda is to keep them together. I *did* want to understand what pieces of being separate they each need and want because the only way to know what all your options are is to actually understand your needs. He says he feels he can’t be hurt over breaking up when we are arguing about whether it’s the right thing to do. I haven’t felt that’s what I’ve done. I want to see everyone get their needs met, but I don’t understand what they are.
Ironically, for someone who has been unhappy with me for not accepting the situation, now it seems that Master is struggling with it. A few weeks ago he and CC talked about sleeping arrangements when he comes home. Since we can’t move out immediately, we have to figure this out. At the time he said we would sleep in the space in the basement and leave CC in the master bedroom. I remember being surprised that he was ok with that idea,but also figured they would work it out.
Well, yesterday it became clear that Master no longer likes that idea. I asked him where he was going to sleep when he got home. I just thought he might want his bed after being away so long. I didn’t realize that CC was totally opposed to everyone sleeping together even for a night, or I wouldn’t have asked that, but it opened up a can of worms. It’s a problem because CC was moving forward based on the plan she and Master had established weeks ago. But, now Master wants to sleep in his bed, which is in the bedroom. He never sleeps well in any other bed. His bed is too large to fit in the basement, so it’s a dilemma.
There’s arguments on both sides, but I’m not sure any of them really matter.He says he doesn’t want to change everything up for a short period of time. I’d like to see us get set up in the spare room (now an office) on a more permanent basis. We don’t really need an office anymore now that CC and Master are going to be getting regular jobs outside the home, although I think there would still be room for a small desk in there.
We have also talked about maintaining a room in this house so that when we have time with the kids we can do it here and not have to uproot them. It would also allow us to solve some of the issues with wanting to live cheaply, if we don’t have to have a bedroom for the kids (though I’d still like to) in an apartment. Plus, making that change now and getting that room established I think is likely to make it easier for the kids when we actually leave, rather than changing their environment drastically all at once.
I think what it comes down to is Master is feeling ownership over the house and the room and the bed (aside from his desire to sleep well in his own bed), and the reality hitting home about the situtaion. He wrote a post on his blog today about it,so I guess I was right about the reality bit. I find it a bit ironic because he’s been so on top of me for not accepting things, and yet these are the small kinds of splits and changes that I think need to happen for us to even think about coming to a good place.
I had hoped that the time we have to spend together until Master finds a job and “stuff” would serve as a bit of a trial. We would all be back together and we could see where we all are. If we are moving forward with separate lives, but still together as a family, I thought we might be able to tweak things and see what would work. I thought perhaps that would result in us not having to actually split homes. CC and Master think that’s totally crazy and are determined that it can’t happen that way. They’re right, it can’t happen that way with that attitude. I find it very sad, but they seem ok with that.
I hate this up in the air place. He wants me to accept we are changing, but doesn’t want to actually make any changes. I want to make changes in order to keep things the same. How does that work? Sounds to me like it doesn’t.
