Regrouping

There’s so much I feel like I want to write about, but not much is coming out of my head when I actually sit down to do it.  In some ways things are better with Master than they were when I wrote the other night, and in some ways they are about the same.  I’m still pretty much in turmoil constantly.  My head isn’t a very pretty place right now.

I’m sad for them because I see them both wanting the other, but not actually connecting.  I have no idea if they are going to try to or not. I think CC wants to, and Master wants to, but he is afraid also. He wrote in his blog that he is afraid to try to find something to hold on to because it always seems to get taken away. I don’t know how to help him with this.  It sounds trite, but I also know that shying away from what could be because of fear is really setting yourself up for heartache and disappointment far more than any rejection could.

I’ve personally made a decision that I can’t worry about the details.  It’s hard, because some of the details are things that have previously defined my feelings, but really what does it matter where I live, or where I sleep or which item of furniture I do it on?  It doesn’t. What matters is the people I love. What matters is being right with them.  I want to enjoy our kids, and CC and Master. I want to connect with Him and know he is my Master and I am his slave. I want to hang out with CC and know that we are achieving something better for our family together and having fun in the mean time.  I want the kids to know I love them more than anything and that nothing can change that.

These things aren’t constrained by living arrangements, or finances or any other physical reality. What everyone needs in order to function should be a base line, but it shouldn’t be a dividing line.  Can I promise I’ll never be upset by any of the decision making process, or that I won’t feel rejected when a detail gets in the way? No, I can’t.  I can promise that it’s not my focus, though.  I love these people, and they love me. I’m not going to let petty shit get in the way of that.