What Do I Expect?

I’m losing my Master. He has given in to depression and says he doesn’t know when he might come back out. I told him it can’t be that way, that I can’t function with him gone. He said, “I don’t know what you expect of me right now.” Then he went to sleep.

I told him that I don’t know what it means that he’s like this. He said neither does he. But I don’t know if I was telling the truth. The last time Master fell into a depression and didn’t snap out of it I almost left him.  I can’t really say why I stayed. I guess I just hoped it would get better. It did eventually. I thought we were past that kind of thing. This is worse than I’ve ever seen him.

I’m totally helpless. He seems to have expectations of me, but I can’t figure out what they are.  My worst fear since all of this started has been that he would do this. Before he left so much was right about us. I was afraid for him and CC, but we were the best we’d ever been in many ways.  I have had high hopes for us. Yet with that came the fear this thing with CC would tear us apart. That he would withdraw and leave me hanging.

Now it seems to be coming true.  I’m trying to remember it’s only been a couple of days. I know I’m sensitive to this because of the past and my fears about being left on my own again.  If I could do something to help I would. As it is it seems all I can achieve is upsetting him more.  Everything I say to him seems to be hurting him. He’s shut off.

I need him to come back. This person who came home isn’t my Master.