I think perhaps I’m being too hard on Master. I know I’ve been holding him to a very high standard lately. I also know that my own ideals aren’t usually in line with my own behavior. I’m not sure why I would expect it of him,then.
Yesterday was very sad. We had a slightly ugly incident because CC sent Master her plans for the last few days left before her trip to see her parents. She hadn’t planned any time for Master. As soon as he read the email he came flying out of the office and headed toward the basement. He threw a harsh, “Her plan is to not spend any time with me before she goes!” at me, and then run down the stairs. I called after him, “You need to communicate Sir!” and followed him down to say his behavior is very self fulfilling in nature right now. He pushes her away left and right, sends very clear “leave me alone” messages, and then gets upset when she does so. After I’d delivered my message I went back upstairs.
But I felt like shit. I so desperately want him to hear me, and I’ve felt totally useless. The result is that sometimes I think I’ve been really mean lately. My delivery could definitely be nicer. Or I could refrain from speaking at all because it doesn’t make a difference anyway. So, I went back downstairs to apologize. When I opened the door he was crying. I told him I was sorry, but I didn’t really know what to do. I told him that she wants him and would be receptive to his telling her he wanted to spend time with her. He said,”She can’t give me what I need anyway.”
CC asked if I thought she should go to him. I said I didn’t know. She wants to build a relationship with him. She wants to be more than co parents. She wants to find something that works. But it seems we are back to square one. Back in July when all of this started she was saying the same things, and he said he didn’t see how that could happen. On his trip Master felt it could. Now it seems that he doesn’t want anything if he can’t have everything they had before. He can’t start over.
I really don’t understand. He says he doesn’t want to just throw away ten years of history and start over. Yet, to me, refusing to try something new seems far more like throwing away history. I feel like all of this is based in jealousy, and it’s so sad. It’s so sad to watch him tear his own life apart because he can’t accept a basic tenant of the poly lifestyle he set up ten years ago. He wrote on his blog that he feels that he is in a position where he has to choose to exclude himself if he’s not comfortable. I don’t know how to help him with that, I think it’s the nature of open dating in poly.
He feels replaced. CC and I keep telling him its not that way, but he can’t hear it. All he sees is what he’s lost, and what jessie has gained. He doesn’t understand that none of those things are about him, and that he can have them too if their relationship grows that way. Relationships have to grow from something. Right now they don’t have much to go on, and that’s why it’s so limited, but there are so many possibilities. The possibilities don’t mean anything to him- he wants it all right now.
I try not to think he’s being childish. I know he’s going through a lot of pain and hurt. Yet, I keep thinking how much damage this is doing to everyone, and how much all of us have had to deal with these things in the past. CC and I have dealt with jealousy in a regular basis the entire time we’ve known him. We’ve dealt with hurt feelings and fears about being replaced. We dealt with watching our partner (Master) give things to others that we wanted. And yet, we still found a way to be with him and enjoy what he has to offer. We built something meaningful. We know it can be done. Why doesn’t he?
I hate it that I can’t give this to him.
To top this off, the kids are asking lots of questions. CC wants to talk to them, and I really want to wait until we know what the plan is. I don’t care much what the plan is, but I don’t want to fill them with more concerns. I want them to feel secure and loved and to know that the adults in their lives are ok and are going to take care of them. I don’t know how we can assure them of this when we are barely even taking care of ourselves.
It feels like we are never going to be whole again. I’m so angry at everyone. I’ve lost the light at the end of the tunnel.
