Poly Ramblings and Reflection

So, this started as a comment on The Heron Clan, but I decided as long winded as it was, it could double as a post here. It’s really just some ramblings about the positives and negatives of my life in the last few years- inspired by swan’s very intelligent and thoughtful post on the subject.

In my relationship I didn’t go looking for a poly family and didn’t really think it would work out. I was willing to try it because I liked Master (before he was my Master) and I felt worst case scenario it wouldn’t work out. It’s easy to feel that way before you’re invested. It did for a long time, and I was blissfully happy for much of it, and struggled a lot too.

Nearly six years later, the bottom has finally fallen out. Sort of.

I’ve discovered a lot about myself. I discovered that I am capable of loving more than one person. I discovered that monogamy probably isn’t for me. I discovered there were many benefits to us all living as a family the way we did. I have never experienced a relationship as unique or intimate as what I shared with my sister when things were good.

Then again, I also discovered the bad things. I discovered I hated not being able to be “legitimate.” I hated the isolation and loneliness that sometimes occurred while Master and my sister wife went separate directions with separate dates, or sometimes together. I hated the envious feelings that would inevitably emerge when they were together and I was the babysitter. I didn’t mind sharing at all, but I did hate the realities of having less to go around on all sides.

There was balance. I’d probably do it again if the right personality combination emerged.  Truth be told I want to do it again desperately. I miss so much about this. I never wanted to serve Master alone. Though having watched it take it’s toll on my sister wife who gave up a lot of what she really wanted out of life for years only to realize after it was too late to go back that she had changed, I would definitely be cautious.

Master is never going to be monogamous. He will always be with others, casually or otherwise. I don’t do casual. I need to share my life with someone, or people. I need sanctuary and intimacy. Poly living has been a blessing and a curse for me. I’ve tried to be grounded in reality about this the whole time.  I hope the next time around it will be what we all need.

Anyway, I’m rambling a loooooot and not sure I’ve said anything of value for anyone but me, but hey. There it is.