Judgment

Well, I’m sitting at the airport on my way home from the Shadowlane party.  My flight is delayed and I have a few minutes to write. This party has really got me thinking about identity issues and judgment.  I  certainly am in a different place than I’ve ever been before at one of these parties. I spent a lot of time thinking about this leading up to the party because I was worried about repeating events from the past.  Luckily they weren’t repeated, but I think it’s still worth writing about.

I’ve changed a lot over the last few years. I’ve gone from someone who was scraping by a living on a very part time job and living in a tiny apartment and trying to get established with this family I loved to a stay at home parent in a poly family doing exactly what I wanted with my life despite the disapproval I encountered from the outside. Now, I am working full time, taking care of the children, running the household.  I have responsibilities, debt, a family.

I didn’t ever intend to do it alone, but I’m at a place in my life and personal development that is really good and really important. I’ve come into my own, I guess. I totally own my life and my choices.  Even though things are hard right now what I am trying to do is move forward.

And yet, what I am running into is expectations and judgment.  So, I thought I might try to make a few things clear.

1. I am still the same person I have always been. I am a bright and intelligent woman. I am capable. I have well developed values and I have a pretty clear idea of what I want from life.

2.  I am a grownup. I am a parent. I am able to make my own choices and own them. I am able to make judgment calls. My greatest joy in life is to take care of people, and I love being taken care of in return.  I do not need parenting or people to tell me what to do. When I reach out for help what I need is support and opinions. I can make the final decisions by myself.

3. I am choosing to be in the situation I am in.  I love my Master. I want to be a slave. I love these children. This is exactly the situation I sought out aggressively five and a half years ago. Nobody manipulated me into the position i am in now.  In fact, Master tried to warn me away. I made a choice. Obviously the current sad events we are dealing with were not my goal, but it doesn’t change anything about my choice. These are the people I love and want to be with. This is the life I have chosen.

Given all of this, I thought I thought I might take a minute to explain how I use my blog.

You see, I write to work through things. If you read the archives of my blog you will find some good things. There are some hot things too. But, the reality is that a lot of what I write is because I have something on my mind that I want to get off my chest. Sometimes I want other people’s opinions too. Either way I don’t mind them because I think they can allow me to look at situations from a perspective I may not have thought of yet.

I usually test on personality tests as introverted, but I also think out loud. Maybe I’m an extrovert who values her personal space. I am an only child, so maybe that has something to do with it. I still get exhausted by crowds and people. Yet when it comes to dealing with problems I need a sounding board. I use my friends this way, but putting things up on a blog is a really easy and non burdensome way to get feedback. I figure people who want to know what is going on with me can read it without feeling burdened or trapped by my seeking them out.

Master wrote about the fact that his blog isn’t a complete picture of him. I think he’s awfully tired of being the bad guy, although I wouldn’t want to speak for him. We are multi dimensional people. When I come to this space to vent or work through an issue in writing it does not mean that I am dissatisfied with my relationship. Actually it means the opposite, that I am trying to work out a way to keep it good and/or make it better.

We are adults. Life happens. Right now life is happening in very copious quantities. It sucks. I’ve got a lot to vent about. I think anyone in my situation would, and I am not ashamed of that. But, this is not an invitation to judge my life choices.

It’s funny, I don’t expect that anyone should like Master. People are people and not everyone gets along. It’s possible for personalities to rub the wrong way.  There is a big difference though between disliking Master and judging him as an asshole, or otherwise a bad person. There is also a difference between disliking Master and judging our relationship as dysfunctional. I know  I show the dysfunctional elements here, but surely the kinds of intelligent people who read here should be able to see that five years later that can’t be all there is.

I don’t think that people really see how insulting it is to tell me that my Master, who I love and have chosen to spend my life with is not worthy of me. I understand that it usually isn’t the intent and people are coming from a place of wanting to protect me, but come on. If you think he is so horrible what does that say about my judgment to be with him and to be part of this family? Relationships are two ways and therefore all those judgments that people have about Master inevitably end up applying to me too – even if it’s not the intent.

So, I just want to be clear. I use this blog in a way that is personally helpful. I get things off my chest. I collect input. I want to hear your thoughts.  But this is not a full picture of my life. I’d love to be able to show you a more balanced picture, but right now my energy is going into living my life and keeping that balance. When things even out again you will probably see that reflected.

In the mean time, don’t assume that you know me. You probably don’t. And, I am sort of over defending myself for a while.