Lost

I feel the need to write, but I haven’t actually been able to find the words. I’ve been told I need to be more positive in my writing in my journal. This isn’t my private journal for Master, but I’ve felt the same here. Yet, I’m about to write about how sad I am.  I need to get this out. Please try to refrain from judging us as I work through my feelings.

Master and I aren’t doing well – we  argue a lot now.

I think we have to learn all over again how to meet each other’s needs. I’ve never done monogamy, I don’t know about single partner families. I know that both Master and I had many needs met from CC that we have never felt the need to give each other. But, she left, and now there is a hole. I can’t be CC for Master and he can’t be her for me.

And we are both broken because of it. I’ve always thought relationships were supposed to be whole in themselves. I buy into the whole person and whole relationships thing. Yet, I entered into a relationship that was already existing with two other people. I’m not sure how to make it be whole with Master.

I feel I can not meet his needs. He doesn’t really want what I have to offer, he wanted what I had to offer plus what CC had to offer. That’s the problem coming second (chronologically), you can’t help being complimentary. Now I know some things I need in my life. I need a partner (which I had in CC) and a Master (which I had in.. Master). I want to run a family with a partner and I want to have children and I want some of the normal things that everyone wants.  Master doesn’t know if he can give me those things.

I used to come up against this before and I would get upset with him for not providing it. Then, things got so good with CC and we were sharing our lives and it all balanced itself out. It was perfect. Now I don’t know how to give him the kind of submission he deserves when I am constantly battling to get my other types of needs met.  I am afraid he will give up on me because I can’t be that kind of slave without the partnership. I feel so lost.

Last night he didn’t like my attitude when he told me to get on the floor and out of his bed. I agree with him it was bad, but I desperately wanted him to understand where it was coming from. He got very angry and said that I can never allow him just to teach me something or tell me something I always debate and argue with him. He said he can’t tell me anything without me entering into a debate he can’t win.

I did apologize and tell him that I would try to have a better attitude. But, I still wanted to talk about it. I wanted to talk about how to fix it for the future. I tried to continue the conversation. He became angry and turned away.  Even when he agreed with me it was cold and angry. I was desperately trying to connect to him, and every time I tried to say the right thing it was wrong and he would get further and further away from me.

Finally I said, “Look I just want to lay here and be close to you, and we are laying in the same bed but we aren’t close.” Master said, “If you wanted to be close to me you should have just agreed with me twenty minutes ago and not debated me.”  I thought I had done that. That’s why I apologized.  I hadn’t felt we were debating. I was just trying to connect.

Ultimately he turned back, but he told me to be quiet. He said even my statement that I wasn’t trying to argue was a contradiction. I cried myself to sleep in his arms.

I used to be good at this stuff. I used to be a good slave. I felt like I was getting better and going deeper all the time. Now I’m both a lousy slave and a lousy partner.  I feel rejected and Master feels attacked.  There is no gesture I can make that will bring us closer together. And that makes me so sad.