Baby Steps

I know, I’m a broken record mostly.  I still don’t see very much about this whole split as a good thing. I was talking to CC last night about decisions regarding the kids such as schools, living arrangements etc. She and I have some areas of disagreement (as parents tend to), but she phrased it in terms of doing what is best for the kids.

I will admit that I balked at this. I feel like her choosing to split up our family and take the kids to a new home with a new boyfriend and pursue her own happiness over putting the effort into making things work with the family she had chosen for ten years is 100% in opposition to doing what is best for the kids. She told me that parents choosing to be happy is another important factor in the well being of the kids.

So, whose happy now? Her, I guess. I’m not sure that the kids are around more happiness now, though. I suspect a lot of it has just been shifted from her unhappiness onto mine and Master’s. Don’t get me wrong, there were definite issues before. I think any relationship that has lasted for more than a year has issues.  But overall I was absolutely happy, and committed to making things work between us.  Now I still feel quite lost most of the time, and more than a little inadequate as a parent.  I’m filling roles I never had to fill before, and it’s not a good fit.

Still, I’m doing the best I can. I still love Master and I still want to make it work. I am still comitted to being the best parent I can be to these kids. I hope some day we will be a poly family again because I think that is how I am at my best.  However I also know that’s not something that can be searched for actively. The right person or people will present themselves with time.

So, I’m trying to move forward. Master has a new job. It’s a good job. I’d like to think it will help us get out of debt sooner, which would be a plus all around. There are a lot of things we still need, though, so it’s going to be a while before there is any extra left over for this purpose, even with the boost in income.

Almost every day now I see something that I want to change. I’ve spent nearly six years doing everything the way that CC did it because she already had all her systems in place and Master expected it. A lot of it is second nature. But as I go day by day without her I am starting to see areas where I don’t like what she did, or just want to try something different. If there is anything good about all of this, my allowing myself to do things my way, and figure out what my way even is may be it.

I’m working on getting the house together. It’s a slow process. The livingroom had to change either way because CC removed most of the large furniture from it, but I didn’t want to put it back in any of the configurations we had used previously. The couch is on a different wall, etc. I want us to set up a home altar so that we can all have a place of peace.

We also rearranged the bedroom. Apparently in all the years they had been in that house the bed had never moved. We pulled out the gas stove and moved the bed to the other wall. Our personal altars are set up as well. It’s nice in there, I like it. I think we both felt a strong need to make that happen right away.  Leaving things the same invites her ghost to stay with us, even though she’s still among the living on the other side of town.

We have a new kitchen table, though no chairs to go with it. Folding chairs are it for a while. I’d like to paint the kitchen eventually, it’s something I’ve wanted to do since I moved in, but I feel it even more now.

The office is being reclaimed as an office. There is no more guest bed in it, and the older kids will be getting their own computer set up in there soon. They had been using it in the basement, but that was not working for a variety of reasons mostly to do with devious boys being out of sight and ear shot for too long.

Remember my post a while back about turning the basement into usable space? Well, that is happening again. So much got moved around when we were dealing with living separately in the same house, but now the bed is back downstairs. We have a lot of cleanup and room swapping to do, but it will get there eventually.

We have totally re arranged the laundry room as well. I’m hoping and praying for more usable space in there.

Finally? I’m taking control of the boys clothing.  I am no longer willing to fight with them about dealing with it and keeping it off the floor and cleaning it back up again when it inevitably ends up on the floor. They will be getting new accessories in their closet with a slot for each day of the week. They will have one pair of clothes per day, and the rest I will be keeping down in the laundry room.  We will see if it helps, but I think it will.

So those are my baby steps. I’m trying to move on, but there are still a lot of ghosts.