I’ve been lucky in many ways. For almost my entire adult life I’ve had the luxury of being “out” to everyone close to me. Although it wasn’t by choice, my parents found out all the gory details of my relationship pretty early on. When you live in a family comprised of one man and two women, the neighbors notice. We even came out to the school. I’ve never held a job where it mattered one way or the other if people figured out what was going on at home. I couldn’t afford to. Having an unorthodox living arrangement and having appeared in adult films come together to make things not worth hiding.
So why don’t I have this same luxury now? Basically, because our wife left us.
Nowadays I am living a much more conventional life. It is just myself, Master, and our three kids. I am his partner in public and now nobody gives us funny looks. There is no longer any question as to whether I am the nanny, or the sister, or something even weirder. Everyone assumes he is my husband and acknowledges me as his wife although I have never used those words with the people we encounter. The kids’ teachers tell us how wonderful it is that we can all parent together and give the kids more love. Ironic I think that this is such a beautiful situation in the eyes of the new school, but the old school viewed three parents living together and parenting as a detriment.
I no longer have the luxury of staying home with the kiddos, and I have a professional job in a professional setting. That’s wonderful because it means we are slowly getting our lives back in order, but it does come with a cost.
Lately I feel that nobody knows the real me. I may not have a wife anymore, but I am still bisexual and poly oriented. I am still kinky and need and want direction and guidance. I am still submissive. This is still the life I expect to lead and direction I expect to see our family travel in.
Worst of all? I can’t ever let it be known that I am going through personally difficult times. The people around me all day every day can’t know that I’ve lost someone I consider a life partner and that I am struggling to rebuild my life. I just have to act like this is normal.
I suppose some of it is still in the open. Some people have figured out there is something odd going on since my youngest “step” child is only 3 but I’ve been with my partner for six years. Coworkers scratch their heads when I talk about how involved I am in the parenting of my “step” children. People still let it be known they think I take on too much of the household management when I happen to let slip a regular detail of our lives. So they know I am submissive and service oriented.
They know Master has a lot of control. They just don’t know why, and I can’t defend myself or him. I just have to keep saying how happy I am and hoping they believe me and don’t see me as an unwitting victim. This really bothers me.
I don’t really have an answer to this. I have never figured out the lines in this regard. So it’s all new territory for me.
Oh, and I just found out I am in trouble today for using too many cell minutes. But of course, I now need to go on with my day and not let anyone know I’m having a rough day because I have no way to explain it. Have I mentioned I am terrible at this?
Bridget – why keep saying how happy you are, if you’re not? does pretending help? (You don’t sound very happy in this post)
And if you are already “out”, why would you need to justify yourself?
I can see the irony of coming to a normal-seeming life style via a kinky route – but you may yet be in a poly situation again, who knows what the future holds?
So I’m not handing out advice but I still think “to thine own self be true” is good advice, something to hold on to when times are turbulent.
And take care of yourself, you good girl! – Kannakat
Comment by kannakat — November 6, 2009 @ 3:40 PM
Kannakat -
Actually I am happy with Master and our relationship. We have had a rough patch the last year and change, but we love each other and that is all fine. Where we have issues are the same areas that all couples do. If venting means I am not happy then I think most married women in this country are not happy… though perhaps they don’t do their venting on blogs.
Where I am not happy is in having to hold a job I don’t like and pretend to be normal when I’m not. I used to have the luxury of being out because I didn’t have a regular job, or if I did it was with companies that didn’t care or were adult oriented themselves. Then I was home for a long time…. I am not already out to my current company, you can bet I would not have been hired if I was. Would I be fired if they found out? I dunno. There are things I have no control over, but I can’t talk about my life the way everyone else does without wondering what kind of repercussions lie in wait for me if I let anyone in on the real details.
It isn’t that I’m not true to myself, it’s just that I can’t let the people I have to spend my days with in. Not sure if this explains or answers your questions or not, but there it is.
Comment by youngbridget — November 6, 2009 @ 3:56 PM
This will probably be no help at all.
But there’s out, and there’s out. Yeah, I think it’d be a better world, an easier world, if you could walk up to anyone you wanted to and say “Hi, I’m a polyamorous sexual submissive spanko” or I could say “Hi, I’m a spanker — more on the sadistic side than the daddy side; top, not Master.” But on the other hand, then they might start telling us which of their nipples is more sensitive or that they like anal sex but only after an enema, and at that point we might realize it was TDMI (same as TMI but with a Damned inserted).
At the risk of repeating myself here’s something I said on Serenity’s blog a few days ago: “There’s a difference between being ashamed of something and merely thinking it’s private — between being afraid something will get out versus merely not wanting to impose it on anyone else. When I mention how much I wish I could reveal my spanko nature to the vanilla part of my little world, I’ve been asked ‘Do they talk to you about their sex lives?’ and of course the answer is no. I think our sexuality is harder to keep hidden because it affects a larger part of our lives than most people’s. That’s one reason why, when asked if they would choose to be vanilla, so many of us say ‘It sure would be easier but it’d be so boring’ — because our sexuality makes theirs seem limited. But that comes with a cost — there’s more to keep private. So I’m not sure if we’re hiding an essential part of who we are, or merely being polite by not shoving our sexuality in someone else’s face, any more than they do to us.”
Remember that you weren’t really out to school before — they knew there was a menage a trois, but not about the polyamory or the D/s. And not being out at all now has opened up opportunities — I’m sorry you’ve decided you don’t like the job, but it IS providing better financial stability than before, isn’t it?
With that said, doesn’t society provide other ways for you to say what needs to be said? Isn’t an “open” relationship close enough to polyamory for public consumption? If you need to explain that DD is not at home because he’s off with a girlfriend, you don’t need to give someone an hour seminar on the principles of polyamory OR lie to them — just say it’s an “open” relationship and he’s having a date. Let their eyebrows do whatever they want.
The second issue is harder but should not be impossible. Isn’t there some way to say “I’m a feminist and I’m all for equal rights, but in my private life, I like the man to lead. It’s just a matter of taste.” Or “You gotta have leaders and followers, and at home I’d rather be a follower.” Or “I have enough responsibility at work, at home I make HIM make the decisions.” Or something else that’s true — completely true — without telling anything that’ll require a lecture course for the listener to understand?
Again, probably no help.
Comment by Michael — November 6, 2009 @ 11:26 PM