Putting Up Walls And Tearing Them Down

23 Feb 2011 1 Comment

by youngbridget in Family, Polyamory

In my old relationship with CC everything moved very slowly. Although I bought into the family very quickly, it was not a simple thing to integrate. I always thought we would do well to get a new home when we all moved in together because CC had such a strong hold on this place. It was hers. I thought we should get somewhere that could be “ours”. That proved impossible, though, and I wasn’t going to turn down my dream of being a stay at home parent just because things weren’t ideal.

That’s a theme for me. CC often wanted to delay our relationship until things were “right” and I sort of pushed my way into the family little by little by becoming more and more involved in the running of things. I wouldn’t say I forced it, everyone wanted it, but I can say that CC always took some time to “come around” to things. I understood this, but I would be lying if I didn’t admit it hurt me sometimes. I felt like I gave everything to our family and constantly had to worried that it wasn’t welcome or understood. She told me she wanted a sister and someone to serve Master with, but when it came down to it it seemed she didn’t want to give up her identity as his “only” slave.

Over time things got really great. We loved each other (and told each other so) and we had a nice routine down. I think we could probably have continued happily for a long time if certain other events hadn’t gotten in the way all at the same time. That said, When she left, one of the things that CC realized is that she isn’t fully happy in a poly living situation. She had bought into a vision she couldn’t sustain. We didn’t know how to continue being close with each other while she and Master were divorcing. We haven’t totally figured that out, although I probably will always consider her to be my “sister” and I hope we will stay close as mutual friends and parents.

My current relationship is really different. First, it’s a little weird to find myself in the same position that CC used to occupy. Master and I have been together for seven years and been raising children and making a life together for a long time. I can’t help but enjoy the fact that I have a certain amount of primacy as a result of that. Not just as a “primary partner” but because we have a shared history and vision. Yet, our relationship has never been just the two of us. It was always based on CC’s presence and we really had to redefine our entire vision for ourselves and our family.

Two years later a new woman came into our lives. I’ve written about her, you all know her as K. It’s been very interesting to watch with a little detachment because both Master and I were immediately smitten. This is not a relationship that has moved carefully forward despite us slamming on the breaks. Instead, Master and I made a conscious decision to let her in – to let things work as long as they are working. It was only a matter of weeks before we were starting to think about long term possibilities.

K has integrated into our family in ways that I couldn’t have imagined at a similar stage in my relationship with Master. She stayed with us for a month over Christmas, and she is will be living with us beginning in May. Sometimes I wonder if we are in fact moving too fast. It’s certainly been a whirlwind, and I would be lying if I said everything has always been perfect. Things don’t plod along slowly between us like they did with CC, they are volatile and occasionally dramatic and so far there have been no issues that couldn’t be worked through. I don’t know which is better – having very little external drama for years only to have things break down when the drama does arrive, or having little dramas along the way.

There are things I thought I would get to have that I am having to sacrifice now. There are things I sacrificed to be with Master and CC in the first place. None of this is exactly how we thought our lives would go, but so far the shared vision is worth it. I can’t pretend it is all easy. It’s hard to let go of things you really want. The thing is, we love each other. We want to be together and we want to see what we can make of this crazy life with each other. That leaves me both happy, scared, and emotional. I’ve never been on this sort of ride before.

This weekend K and I celebrated Valentine’s day belatedly. Master doesn’t do the hallmark holiday thing, but I figured nobody could do cliche romance like two women. We went out for a romantic dinner together and drank a bottle of wine (because he loves us Master agreed to pick us up after!). We exchanged gifts. My gift to her was a simple bracelet with a trinity symbol on it. I wanted it to represent her place in this family and the fact that she is intertwined with us. We are no longer separate entities. I wanted her to know that she completes us. K’s gift to me was a jaw dropper. She kept telling me she had to drink more before she was ready to give it to me. When she finally did pull it out I saw a teddy bear with a ring on it’s foot. This wasn’t just any ring, though. This was her grandmother’s wedding ring. Amazingly, the ring has Master’s birthstone on it. When I wear it there are elements of all of us. This isn’t just coincidence in my opinion. I am still blown away as I sit here and think about it.

So here we are. All of us. Moving forward together. I don’t know what the future holds, and I’m still grieving the things I’ve lost. I’m wounded. Yet, I am embracing the things that are coming with open arms. Nobody knows the future, but right now things are exactly as they should be.