“Forever Home” – A Dog Saga

07 Jun 2011 5 Comments

by youngbridget in Family, Polyamory

This is a post about my dogs. Their names are Jubal and Sadie and they are lighting up my life.

If you’ve followed my various posts about animals I’ve loved and lost, you may know that recently I’ve had a bad run with animals. This is hard for me because I was raised with animals. I believe they should be a serious commitment and responsibility and it makes me sick to see so many people throwing away animals just because there is one small issue or another, or they got tired of taking care of them. I never thought I would be that person. Still, the list below will make it clear that in many ways I have become that person I never wanted to be. I’ll post their picture here, and you can read the extremely long saga behind the cut if you want to hear the tale.

For the bad stuff, our cat of many years passed away right around the time that our family was splitting apart. I don’t blame myself for this, he was old. He had a loving home for many years and I think he had a happy life. Still, it was sad.

Next came our two guinea pigs. I loved them and thought I could give them a good home, but I was wrong. First, one died suddenly. Then, as it turns out, our youngest son is deathly allergic to guinea pigs and actually ended up in the hospital twice before we found another home for the remaining little guy.

Then there was Basil. The feisty orange kitty with a penchant for escaping and making Master climb up ladders. I loved his personality and thought he was a great addition to our family, but the neighbors didn’t agree. As a cat used to being outdoors there was no containing him. If you tried to keep him in he would only go about destroying the house to demonstrate his anger until he could finally bolt through the door when your guard was down. After bailing him out of cat jail a number of times, we finally found a home for him in the country where he can roam free and hunt mice. His new family says he is a special friend. I still miss him.

Finally, little Earl Grey. I don’t think his picture ever made it onto this blog. We took him in for a friend who was unable to find a home for him. We were never sure it would work with him because we didn’t know if Basil would accept him, but we wanted to give him a fighting chance. He and Basil worked things out, but he just couldn’t cope with life in our active household. The poor cat would pee all over Master and the kids beds every chance he got. When we didn’t have kids he was fine, but when we did, destruction. I would have been willing to manage his behavior forever, but the family wasn’t up for that, and anyway he was miserable and stressed out. He now lives with a single man. I’m sure he is much happier.

Every single time we’ve had to give up one of these animals I have beaten myself up over it. I have loved all of them and felt like a failure when they didn’t work in our home. I’ve wondered if there was more we should have done – more I should have done. I felt like a failure as a pet owner. Maybe I’m just not cut out to have animals. I told myself I would not be getting any more pets until I was sure we were in the right place for one.

Fast forward to a couple of months ago. K had a dog back home in her home country, but since she is moving in with us she decided it would be best for us and the dog for him to stay with the family who has cared for him this past year. Naturally she was sad about that, but felt she could move on if we agreed to get a dog very soon. Having grown up with dogs, I was excited about this prospect, and Master agreed.

Looking back on it I can see there were some disconnects that I didn’t take seriously enough. Master wanted a dog but not the same kind of dog as K and I. We were more interested in large, less active dogs while Master primarily wanted a smaller, more active dog. K figured we could find one that everyone liked, and was ok with the idea of having a more active animal if Master was willing to help with the work. He assured us he was.

This post is already going to be a novel, so I won’t go into all the details, but I will say that after visiting a couple of local shelters we ended up with two dogs. One dog was Master’s dog – the one he fell in love with in the shelter. We named him Jubal. The other dog picked our family herself. She wanted to meet us, and we all liked her. She had the look Master enjoys and a sweet personality that we all appreciated. Her name is Sadie.

For a week, everyone was in love with the dogs. K wanted to walk Sadie and thought Jubal was the sweetest little guy she ever did cuddle with. She said Sadie was beautiful because she was wild looking. I thought it was great and didn’t mind the early mornings. It seemed like everything might just work out.

I guess life is never that simple. First, it became apparent in rather short order that Master’s idea of what kind of work the dogs needed and our idea didn’t match up. He didn’t realize that it would mean early mornings for him, or that coming from a shelter they would need “extra” training. Then, it became clear that Jubal had more issues than simply learning to poo outside. Jubal is afraid of small children. Guess what we have? A toddler. He would really have liked to eat the little guy if he could. Sadie on the other hand has been nothing but loving to our children, but is neurotic, high energy, and within a week of being home had some medical issues.

Given that Master didn’t want to have to get up early, and K was still away at school, I was almost totally on my own with the kids and dogs for the first month. During this time I was extremely stressed out, and questioned if we should keep either of the dogs, but especially Jubal. I wondered if we had made a terrible mistake. We talked it over together, and I was really leaning toward returning Jubal because of the aggression toward our son. I wondered if the heartache was worth it if they could never work it out. Master was on the fence, and K appealed to my deepest feelings on the issue. She said we have a responsibility to him and was one week of trying with the kiddo really the best we could offer him? Combined with the opinion of a professional trainer, we decided to keep Jubal and work with him, as long as we could keep the kiddo safe.

So, I bought in. We went to dog training. I walked them in the morning and at night. I fed them. I cleaned up accidents. I gave Sadie pills. On the weekends K helped too. Master helped, but mostly he became frustrated. The dogs had a lot of energy and I couldn’t always give them the exercise they needed by myself. Their hair was on the furniture. They wanted attention, in his face. I told him I was prepared to work with him, but in his frustration he didn’t see it. It was frustrating that he wasn’t on board because we got these specific dogs for him.

Really, it comes down to miscommunication. We thought Master understood what having dogs like this would mean, but he didn’t. We made assumptions. K and I both were frustrated that Master wasn’t buying in, and we talked to each other about it. We also talked to him about it. After still more talking about the issue he agreed to work on his relationship with the dogs and to try to overcome his frustration. He says he wants to keep them,and I see him engaging in the training and playing with them. They seem to be growing on him. I finally felt that we were getting somewhere.

Imagine my surprise when K announced right before she came to live with us that she had changed her mind about the dogs. I think she had been absorbing Master’s frustration, and also came to realize that she was going to have to deal with it and with them herself. The dogs themselves didn’t really help to sell themselves to her. She is currently staying home and had to “deal with” the dogs all day. In her first week with us Jubal really was difficult. He pooped on the floor countless times. They were difficult on walks. They still are having issues with barking in the back yard . They were just, a pain.

Currently she says she is neutral on them. She says that isn’t awesome because she has to do chores for them even though she doesn’t care for them. Sadie in her mind has gone from cute and wild looking to ugly and long faced. Jubal has transformed from a sweet cuddler to a pain in the ass who barks and poops on the floor (although he hasn’t done that in a couple of weeks now). They had a skirmish near her and hurt her leg. I can’t tell how much of what she is perceiving is a difference in behavior on their part and how much of it is her perception. To what degree has she hardened her heart against them? I don’t know. I’m sad because I’ve grown so close to them, and I’ve seen such good from them already. I feel like they have so much to offer me and our family, and I fear that K won’t let them in.

Despite the issues, I absolutely am in love with these animals. First, rescuing animals who really need me feels good. Second, the unconditional love is healing in so many ways. Maybe that’s why I am more of a dog person than a cat person – I have a deep need to feel loved and to give love. Jubal especially is a rescue in the true sense of the word – he was relinquished as a puppy because his owner “couldn’t afford him” and he clearly was hurt before that. The degree to which I have bonded with him is hard to describe. I feel like he’s given us his heart. We need to take special care of it.

Although it is scary, watching our little boy come to terms with a dog who wants to hurt him and learn boundaries has been a positive thing. I imagine it will only continue to be good for him. I’ve seen him display empathy: “Jubal is afraid of me because other kids hurt him” and kindness: “I want to feed him and pet him and show him I am his friend” I’ve also seen him get whacked with a muzzle when he gets too close or too moves too fast. Both of them will have to learn self control together.

Also, Jubal has made amazing progress in the two months he has been with us. He has gone from a dog who was terrified of our son and wanted to attack him to a dog who largely ignores our son, responds to being fed and petted and treated by him, and can be in the same room with the kiddo calmly. I am no longer afraid for our son’s safety on a daily basis. I don’t know when he will be around the bend, but it makes my heart glad to see the process. I think they can do this.

Sadie has been absolutely amazing since coming into our home. Whereas the little guy is working out how to live with Jubal, he and Sadie are close friends. He tells us she is his dog. They play, she follows him around, and she protects him. When Jubal becomes agitated she steps in. I’ve seen her get in Jubal’s face and chase him away. I’ve seen her put herself between my kids and the other dog. She is helping to teach him how to be with animals with the patience of a saint. Sadie has also bonded with one of the twins. The boy with anger issues who I once worried would turn out to antisocial and dangerous has a true friend he’s connected with. The boy who is bullied at school and called a fag now has someone to go out with. When he doesn’t know what else to do, he eagerly takes her for a walk. He clearly enjoys her. I’m so glad. It touches my heart to see them together. If anyone needed a friend who would love him without expectations it is this kid.

Master has even gotten into working with the dogs. He taught Sadie to heel. He bought fanny packs (oh the embarrassment!) for the purpose of carrying treats for the dogs. He showed real pride when he demonstrated Sadie’s new trick. She likes to lay at his feet in the living room, and she clearly adores him even when he acts like he doesn’t care.

Every morning when I get up, and every afternoon when I get home, both dogs greet me happily. They lick me and jump up and show me they are happy to see me. Last night Sadie came into the bedroom with a bang. The door hit the wall, and I actually thought it was Master. Instead, Sadie came around the corner and stopped at the foot of my bed. She wiggled her butt and said hi. It was one of the cutest things I’ve ever seen. Today when I got home from work Jubal came and sat at my feet and put his head in my lap. We had a quiet moment while I talked with my wife. It made me feel so at peace.

I love these dogs. I can’t help it. I am torn because it seems I am the only adult who feels this way. My wife doesn’t like them and would rather see them gone. I just don’t know what the answers are anymore. I don’t want to give up on yet another animal. I want to make the right decision for the whole family. I don’t want my own self desires to affect others, and that includes the dogs and the people.

I have to go now, my dog needs a walk.