My Girls

Before I get into this post, I want to emphasize that what I am about to talk about is my fantasy. It’s an activity that is based in consent between adults. This is not about real children for either of us.

I mentioned in a previous post that Master has recently embraced the concept of age play. I’ve been very excited about this because it is a piece of me that I’ve never really gotten to express. Even those who are comfortable in theory with age play usually don’t like the level of abusiveness that I am interested in. In the past what I’ve done is settled for allowing myself to “feel little” once in a while during scenes where it wasn’t explicitly stated.

However, with all the changes occurring in our relationship Master and I have been playing a lot with this stuff much more overtly. I think it’s been helpful for me to allow myself to feel a little more childlike because it’s allowed me to deal with some of my emotions that I have been keeping under the surface for a while now.

It’s been really nice to have the option to initiate with a simple shift in the way I address him. If I call him Daddy he knows I’m feeling little and vulnerable. It’s a way to convey where I am without nagging, and I like that. I love that I have the opportunity to be loved and protected by my Daddy while still knowing that at any minute he could turn and be Bad Daddy. The lines are blurred, and it keeps me on my toes.

I think Master enjoys it  too. He has continually thrown out ideas and scenarios and we have talked about them. Most of these I find incredibly hot. However, one thing we discovered while talking about this is that we have different fantasy ages in mind. I generally prefer to be younger (pre-teen), whereas Master is mostly interested in a slightly older headspace. Through talking about this we also discovered that there are elements of all these ages that we find appealing. They all lend themselves to different types of scenes.

Ultimately this led to a brilliant idea on Master’s part. We’ve created four different girls of four different ages, and they all have a different name. Master especially liked this because it provides a mechanism for him to tell me where his head is and where he wants to go in a scene. I also have the option of telling him which one I am identifying with at any given time. They all seem really interesting, and I’m excited to get to know them. That’s actually why I started this post- to tell you about them.

Just like last time, details are behind the cut. Read at your own discretion. Also keep in mind that these are fantasies between adults. None of us would ever support harming real children.

Taboo

I’ve always had an interest in age play. I’ve never wanted the warm fuzzy Daddy to take care of me (I’d rather have other authority figures do that). Instead, I want the abusive Daddy to show me how little and powerless I am while he uses me for his own sick pleasure.

I’ve also always been a little bit bothered by this, because I am fiercely protective of real children and there are some perceived conflicts there. Many of my friends are also squicked by it. It’s interesting because I think most of them assume that I am too. I can remember one friend telling me, “I’ll bet you get a lot of people wanting that from you because of your appearance.” Well, no actually, but I happen to want it….

The age play and incest taboos are pretty strong in our community. It’s interesting because I think they are incredibly pervasive even as most people in the scene run away from them. How can you avoid it when you’re dealing with “Parents” and “children” in a way that gets you off? Spanking and punishment is childish, it leads to many childish associations. Even staunchly anti age play tops are likely to utter the phrase “little girl” affectionately.

I think crossing the line from consenting lovers to non consenting role play opens up more doors, but even still there tends to be a line in the sand. It’s also interesting because rape fantasies are so prevalent in the kink scene in general. I’d be interested to know how many kinksters have this in their psyche but are uncomfortable with it, and how many are genuinely grossed out.

I know CC has always been a bit bothered by it. She understands the desire to feel young and childlike, but she has never gotten her head around the sexual aspects of it. It’s something we basically don’t talk about with each other out of respect. Also, Master has never been remotely interested in this aspect of me. In fact if anything he has actively avoided it and told me early on he would not be my Daddy.

Fast forward five years, and some of this has changed. I have noticed that Master is far more accepting of it than he ever was. He occasionally throws out comments like, “You’re going to be saying, ‘Daddy don’t do that!’ here in a minute.” and generally seems more comfortable with the concept. I had considered mentioning it to him, but as it turned out I didn’t get the chance.

One positive thing about all of the issues that we have been having as a family is that our individual relationships have gotten a lot of clarity. It’s brought us closer together, and brought out a lot more play and exploration than we’ve done in a long time. I’m extremely grateful for it, because I’m not sure how I would be able to hold up right now, otherwise.

Anyway, on Sunday afternoon Master and I both took a nap together. I am a big believer in nakedness in beds. I hate to wear clothes under the covers because I get totally twisted up in them. I can wear a shirt, but pants are horrible. So, I was conveniently naked from the waist down. When he woke up Master started touching me and I knew he was going to fuck me. He climbed on top of me and told me to be quiet as he often does.

I’m going to cut here. Read on at your own discretion…

Run

After dinner last night Master and I took a quick run to the grocery store. The quick run took a little longer than intended because I remembered that I needed hair supplies. Anyone who has ever been in the hair aisle with a woman in the grocery store knows that this is not a short process, although I tried to make it quick. Master decided that he didn’t enjoy having to walk all the way across the store and wait for me, so he counted my steps.  He told me I would get two swats for every step. The tally? 340.

I half way thought he was kidding, but apparently not because when we got back to the car I was ordered to drive to a dark spot. I chose the park near our house because after dark you can’t see much (the parking lot is not lighted).  I was immediately ordered into the back of the car and he took me over his knee. He was relatively nice about it, but I was also relatively sore from the events of last weekend.  He told me he was being kind by reducing it to 300.  Can’t argue with that, but let’s just say I thought he could have been kinder…

The real surprise came after, though, when he ordered me out of the car. We walked together toward the deserted softball fields, and I started to hope that perhaps he wanted to have sex in the grass. I love being fucked outdoors, although it doesn’t happen much.  When we reached the edge of the field he put his hand on my throat and pulled me in to him.  With his mouth to my ear he told me, “No screaming, but I want you to run.”

I was wearing an ankle length skirt and slip on clog shoes. This isn’t exactly the best outfit for running through damp grass, but an order is an order. So, I hiked up my skirt and took off running. As I ran I began to get nervous because I knew what he must be intending, but I didn’t dare look back for fear it would slow me down even more.

I had just set my eyes on the far edge of the field (and relative safety of the street lamps) when he pounced. Suddenly he had hold of my hair and I was off balance.  I went down hard, and scraped my knee. I tried to fight him, but he weighs much more than I do and I was winded from running.  I felt very exposed in the open field and wondered if passers by could see if they looked.

He ripped open his jeans, and then hesitated. I tried to escape again, but was not decisive enough because he caught my leg and knocked me back over. When he fucked me it was hard, fast and painful.  I felt the buttons on his pants pressing into me, and I listened to him tell me that I wanted it and would take it. My feeble struggles weren’t enough to get him off me.

When he was finished I was very disoriented, and became aware of how sore I was. After the fact I have to admit my only real thought was, “Oh my God, that was so hot!” In case you are wondering, ankle length skirts and no panties also aren’t ideal clothing choices for riding home after being fucked in a field, though I’m not sure anything would be.  From now on I’m not taking night time rides without a good pair of running shoes.

Shadowlane Highlights

I figured I should write my highlights from Shadowlane before my memory fades. It was really a very mellow party for me. That is a highlight in itself because I’ve spent the last several parties being stressed out. Truly, just connecting with all my wonderful friends (Mija, Pablo, Chris, Sparkle, Iris, M, and others) who I only get to see once or twice a year was wonderful in and of itself.

I pretty much avoided all big room parties. I enjoy them sometimes, but this year I wasn’t feeling it. However, the two major social occasions I did appear at were the vendor fair and the Saturday night dinner. I loved meeting some new people,and everyone looked great! I drank a bit at dinner and got wonderfully tipsy. I participated in a group grope and looked forward to more, although I didn’t get to act on nearly as much as I wanted. One of these days I’m going to seduce Mija. Or her boy self, whichever she allows.

I did several great scenes, mostly bottoming relatively lightly. I rarely get to play in any sensual ways because Master really just likes to spank me very hard and very fast. Having a long, drawn out scene with a slow buildup and lots of rubbing really does make me feel like I’ve gone to heaven. No, it doesn’t hit on my punishment kink, but it’s sure nice!

I had a blast at the wedding shower for Iris. Trust me, it doesn’t get better than a bunch of spanko women in a room answering questions like, “How do I get him to bend over and take it like a big boy?” I’m so excited for you Iris!

I also did more topping than I’ve ever done before. Having talked Mija into being my test bottom, I got to work on caning. Apparently I was a quick study. She told me she’s bottomed for several people learning to cane and noone has ever progressed as far as I have in the time that I did. I had a bit of prior practice,but very little.  Soon I was delivering hard strokes and ready to show my new skills off to all our friends. Fireman Chris got to be the victim. I’m not sure what led him to agree to it, except perhaps he thought I didn’t look scary.

I’m normally a fairly private player, but having all our friends present really made the atmosphere better for this scene. It was encouragement for both of us I think,and soon Chris had several vivid red stripes accross his backside. I hear he is planning to post results pictures, so go nag him about it.  After a short break he was bent back over and I went at him with a variety of items from M’s arsenal.  I think I traumatized the other people in the room more than him, but apparently I was mean. Hmm. I wonder where I learned that. This topping thing is something I’ll definitely have to pursue further.

Finally, as my time was winding down I got to play with Pablo. I plan to write another post about that because the subject matter stuck me as quite profound. Here is what I can say, though. After a weekend of relatively light and relaxing play, having my hands tied (with a school tie!) and being spanked quite hard with an ebony hairbrush was both a shock and exactly what I needed (though if he ever asks me directly I will almost certainly deny it and say how mean he was).

Another successful party.

Dilemma!

I’m home from Shadowlane. It was wonderful! In many ways I think this is the best party I’ve been to, and I’ve been to several.  I’ve got a couple of posts in line, but wanted to follow up first on the gymslip experience! As it turns out, the weekend wasn’t as simple as I was hoping for.  I was faced with a dilemma before I even got out the door!

I did wear it to travel in. When I came home from work I finished packing and changed out of my clothes. I wanted to pack the clothes I was wearing, which meant I needed to get dressed. Thinking about it now perhaps I should have opted for my bathrobe until it was time to leave, but I was excited.  So,  I put it on right away and then had about an hour to kill. When I emerged from the bedroom CC looked me up and down and said, “You know, what you need to do is cover your hair up and tell people you are a nun.”  I guess it’s true that to the untrained eye I probably looked more like a nun than a schooolgirl, but the tie was a dead giveaway.

Anyway, I grabbed a bite to eat and was running through last minute things to pack. Going to an event like this means there are always permissions to get from Master, and I always forget until the last moment. So I went into his office and started to ask my question. Apparently the uniform inspired him because he “suddenly remembered” that he had never given me my birthday spanking. The spanking hurt, but he made up for it when he threw me down and fucked me. I was a bit concerned about the uniform, but both of us believed that the skirt was out of the way.  When he finished he said, “You didn’t think I would leave your uniform totally pristine, did you?” I laughed. Shouldn’t have done that.

Party!

Tomorrow afternoon I leave work early and head to the Shadowlane Pary in Vegas for the weekend. I’m going to be dressed in my new English school uniform. This means I get to go through airport security, the trip to Vegas, and the cab ride to the hotel dressed as a school girl. Am I embarrassed? Hmm a bit. How did this come about? Well, let me tell you!

On Tuesday evening I received a package from my good friends Pablo and Mija. They warned me it was coming,but Mija said she was sworn to secrecy regarding the contents. I inititally suspected it was something horrible to beat me with, but Mija said it was not. I was rather hoping for a stuffed animal to befriend the bear they bought me last year, but I never suspected it would be a school uniform(though anyone who reads Mija’s writing is probably laughing right now because it is something one should expect from her household).

So, when I arrived home Tuesday evening, Master told me I had a package. I love getting packages. I really am like a child about this. I tore into it gleefully and reached in to see what they had sent me. What I pulled out was a large squishy envelope, which opened to reveal a black gymslip. I immediately started laughing, while Master said,”What is that?” This is one way you can tell that Master doesn’t have a school girl fetish, or at least, not an authenticity fetish. Included in the package was the entire uniform, from the shirt and tie to the knee socks and gym shoes. Also included was a letter detailing every item and instructions to wear it for traveling(It did have a note indicating that if Master didn’t want me to wear it I didn’t have to, but when has he ever let me off the hook?).

Suspension and Spankings

Saturday night I was putting the baby to bed and contemplating a shower when CC walked in and said,”He wants to know if you want to go to the club, go!” and took the baby herself. So, I went.  As it turns out He was invited by another girl he is seeing and thought I’d enjoy going too. And, he wanted to try suspension bondage with me. I’d never done it before, but I was up for trying it.

So, suspension was… interesting. It was definitely more painful than I’d expected, mainly because I had no concept of what kind of pain it would be. I used to feel this way about spanking too. I always knew it hurt, but I didn’t *really* know what it would feel like. I remember being very shocked at just how much a firm swat with a hand could hurt. And, I learned I’m not a masochist. So, I spent a large part of the time while I was being suspended expressing which new area was hurting. I probably wouldn’t do as much of that next time, but this time I didn’t know which things were “red flags” and which things were just par for the course.

Of course, once they got me suspended and helpless the real fun began. I was beaten with my least favorite toy. I really really hate it.  I was of course a ridiculous wimp about this complete with yelling and tears. I found this incredibly humiliating because I was acutely aware of the audience we had attracted (although I could not see them).  I hate being totally unable to control myself in public. When they did let me down I immediately buried my face in his chest so I wouldn’t have to look at anyone.

Later that night I was flogged. I’ve been ages since I’ve had a proper flogging, and it was really nice. The club was very quiet by then, and this was a far more private scene. I loved the sense of intimacy and didn’t feel at all self conscious. It was great to just be able to enjoy the moment. I had the thought that it’s the first time in a while that I’ve really gotten to just let loose and play. I had some cool marks the next day, although I became rather nervous when I discovered after church that’d I’d been showing off a nice bruise across the back of my neck during the service. Hopefully no one was looking!

All of this led me to think about my kinks and how they intersect. I realized that on this blog especially you very rarely hear about my core fetish, which is spanking. My identity as a slave is extremely important to me, but in terms of fetishes I was a spanko before it ever occurred to me to live this way. When I got involved with alternative lifestyles I was looking for someone to spank me.  While I certainly found that, it’s true that my Owner doesn’t fully get the “pure spanking” fetish of me.  Usually I indulge in that with other play partners and at large parties around the country.  The rare visit to the fetish club stands in stark contrast to this.

I think I’ve neglected to mention it much because I’ve been so excited to have a place to share my M/s dynamic with. There have also been issues going on that overshadowed the spanking stuff.  It makes sense, but I’m missing it. So, I’ve used this blog to express myself as a slave. That won’t change, but I want to make sure I don’t neglect this important part of myself. My kinks may cross two separate communities, but they are not two different versions of me. I am looking forward to a little more balance here, now that my life is evening back out.

Feelings

I am in a really strange place right now. I’ve wanted to write here and update, but the words just aren’t really coming. In some ways right now I feel more connected to my Owner than I ever have. We’ve been talking a bit here and there spontaneously and things are generally positive. I’ve gotten many beatings recently and a lot of sexual attention. It also helps to keep things in perspective when I feel the intimacy with him. I start getting a little crazy when I can’t tap into it.

Things around the house are also running more smoothly lately. I have a good system of organization going and all the important things are getting done. I’m starting to feel proficient at some of the “details” of homemaking, like grocery shopping and meal planing. Of course, the older kids are home from school for the summer now, so it is quite possible that all of this is going to be out the window soon.

I’m also enjoying time with the youngest one immensely. We are really close right now and have a lot of fun going to do things. He loves parks right now and is just starting to explore on his own a bit more. I also take him to a baby/ toddler gym class for parents and children and that is turning out to be really good for him. I wish my relationship with the older kids could be like this, but I guess it is the step parents dilemma. I often feel that I have to work so hard to hold onto a little bit of authority that I end up running out of time for fun. Sometimes I feel so guilty about that, and really inadequate as a parent.

The fact that I’m finally feeling settled in as a homemaker makes it so much harder to think about going to work. I know it is what we need as a family, and there are things that are exciting about it. Yet, it feels like I was given a little taste of what I really want and am now having it yanked away just as I was starting to feel that maybe I could achieve it after all. Also, the job hunting process itself is really stressful. That sucks.

Back to the beginning, I’ve also been thinking a lot about a recent beating.

Maybe It’s Time…

Last week I got a call from a friend in the local community. This person is very well known and highly respected. She has been very involved in the forming of important M/s discussion groups both in New York and in Colorado. She’s also very serious about her own identity as a Master (yes, that’s a male pronoun and no she does not identify as male) and passionate about the leather community. Our family got to know her primarily through mutual friends and because she is also passionate about being a mother. This is where we find the most common ground.

But, we too are very serious about our respective identities as Master and slaves. We have been involved in the public scene some, but not as much as I think we really would like to. Why? It’s simple really. Real life gets in the way. We have three children. Two of us have full time jobs and one of us is at home full time (don’t get me started on how hard it is to get a day off when you stay home!). So, we are busy people. When we do make an excursion into the public scene it’s almost never all three of us because someone stays home with the kids.

It used to be that this job always fell to me because I was not of legal age (21) to be in the public scene. Sure, I was old enough to vote, and to join the army and die, and to have sex with anyone I wanted, and to be in porn videos if I wanted, but I could not step foot in any BDSM clubs. So, I got to stay home. After turning 21 it’s gotten a bit more complicated. If He wants to go out he has to choose which of us he wants to take. If CC and I both want to go to an event we either have to beg him to stay with the kids, or work it out between us who is going to miss out. This often results in the two of us staying home because we don’t want to have to make that choice.

So, all that is to say that we don’t go out to the clubs too much. We do participate sporadically in a few groups, but that’s it. We also periodically host discussion groups out of our home. We are far more likely to host a game night or movie night that happens to include mostly fellow kinky people than we are to have an actual lifestyle event.

Blessings

I’ve been pretty conflicted lately. Sometimes it’s really hard to know the right way to do things. As a couple of comments recently have pointed out, this does comes through in my writing a bit. I think that’s because one of the main purposes of writing for me is to vent. I think out loud and it is really one of the only ways I am able to process my feelings. In my relationships this occasionally causes issues, so it’s usually better if I can take care of it via the written word. Of course, even if the conclusions I come to are positive, the processing often takes on a negative tone while I’m working through things

Yet, overall things are very good in my life. First of all, I have a wonderful family. I don’t know how many readers will have been exposed directly to the BDSM and/or poly communities, but I can tell you that our poly family is pretty unique. Although I’ve only been in my relationship four and a half years (CC for 9 years), by “lifestyle” standards this is long term. In fact, one of the issues that has started to come up in my life is that there are few people with more experience than us locally who I can go to for advice. We are starting to be the experienced ones. Weird!

Also, I’m getting to do the thing I have dreamed about doing since I was a little girl. Namely, I’m a homemaker. Of course adult reality doesn’t always match childhood fantasy, but it’s good. I feel like I’m doing good, and I love our kids. I’m also growing in my skill set every day. I’m far more organized now than I ever was before, and I can honestly say that before this experience I had no clue about taking care of myself, yet alone a family.

I am madly in love with my Owner. I know his feelings aren’t returned in the same way, but I also know he cares about my happiness, and when I’m doing the things I need to be doing as a slave we have an intimacy that is hard to put into words.

I am living more freely and with less inhibitions than almost anyone has the luxury to do. I love being able to pursue the things that make me happy whatever they are with the knowledge that I will be loved and supported by those around me. I’m fulfilling my fantasies and helping others do the same. While many many kinky people are stuck in situations where the consequences of exposure are not worth the experience of fulfillment I have the freedom to be myself and to find people who love and honor me anyway.

I think sometimes I really need to take time to step back and remember some of these things. When I’m not getting something I want, or when I’m upset because of an issue I think it is worth while to remember that I have chosen to be here with these people for a reason. And I am incredibly lucky.