To The Person Who Found This Blog…

searching for, “Help! I’ve never done laundry.”

I am sorry. I suspect this was not what you were looking for. Good luck!

The Weirdest Craving Ever

Well, I am officially home from the Shadowlane party although my brain is still there. I am very bummed and missing all of my friends already!

For Master and I everything started Thursday night when we packed up the car and started driving to Vegas.  We left around 7:00 (later than we wanted) and drove until 11:00 or so. Then we picked an appealing rest stop and slept in the back of the SUV. That is a weird experience, let me tell you. It feels a bit like living in a fish bowl. Still, starting the drive on Thursday had the effect of making the trip relaxing and although we were both tired we were more rested than we would have been if we’d tried to do it all in one go.

We had lunch in Utah with Master’s mom and his sister. We surprised them! Unfortunately they had a surprise for us too -  his mother was going to Vegas for the weekend too. Apparently she was seeing a concert.  Cue very uncomfortable perverts hoping not to be asked too many details about their own trip…

I am going to put this behind a cut because it is shaping up to be a novel.

Some Pics

Just a few pics of my newest toys! I am so in love with the bicycle it is unbelieveable. So awesome! My party is tonight. I hope it will be fun!! See you all later.

My bike!

Me on my bike!

My Planner - sorry these pics aren’t that great they were taken with my phone.

Damn It!

I want Master to re establish our dynamic and start using discipline again. it’s been an area of sadness for me for a long time.

Well, he’s decided to. I’m in trouble. What issue did he choose to bring focus and clarity back to our relationship? Toilet paper. Yes, really. He is ticked that he ran out. Why did he have to pick toilet paper? That’s the one item I thought was the stupidest thing I have ever been punished for.

And now it’s come back to haunt me. Seriously? I’m glad Master is wanting to bring us back to a good place. I appreciate it.

But come on.  I don’t think I’ll ever have the right attitude on this issue.

I’ll let everyone (all 3 of you who still read) know how it goes. But damn it. Toilet paper. *grumble grumble*

Whose Space Is It?

So,  yesterday I was publicly chastised for using the comment section on another person’s blog to engage in open disagreement and discussion with one of the other readers about tolerance, religious and otherwise. It was the religious portion of the discussion that was offensive to at least one of the blog owners. She also said, with regard to my comments,  “However, in all the time we’ve written here, I don’t remember anyone ever using OUR comments to go after another reader. That feels a little like having someone who is a guest in my home decide to pick a fight with another guest, and that is unacceptable.”

Apparently the view of this blog owner is that I was brow beating this other person by stating my opposing views and that my views were not to be expressed in “their” space.  I was encouraged to use my own space to do that. So, I guess that is what I will do.

My intent was to let it go, or at least wait a day or two and see how I would be feeling then. However, it turns out I’m rather pissed. I wasn’t pissed when all this started. I was not mad at the other commenter, and I did not feel we were having an ugly discussion. Actually I thought the discussion was rather interesting and I was enjoying engaging with this person. We both had strong views, and I think that makes for interesting conversation.

I wasn’t even pissed when the blogger decided to call me out and chastise me publicly. That’s one of my kinks after all, public humiliation. But, I did think it was excessively nasty and a huge escalation from anything that had gone on in the comment section. I was baffled by it.

When did I become pissed? When the other commenter I had been engaging with took the opportunity to jump on the bandwagon and tell me to “get a grip” and also to make another catty comment about the possibility of being “yelled” at again.  The blog owner? Apparently she found that just fine and assured said commenter that she would not experience that again in that space. It’s fine for me to be attacked because my view was the wrong one, but not fine for me to engage in a civil discussion. Yeah.

So here is the deal. I already apologized over on this other blog for causing a commenter to feel brow beaten or yelled at. I apologized for hitting a hot button for the blog owners and causing them to feel attacked.  That was all sincere. I would never want to do that to anyone and if that was the result of my stating my views then certainly I am sorry.

But I don’t understand for the life of me how this whole thing could have escalated to that level.  For one thing, unmoderated comments on a blog to me has always implied that discussion and conversation is encouraged.  I personally am not interested in reading comments from groupies who never encourage me to think or do anything other than say, “hear hear!”

Neither does this person, apparently, because she doesn’t moderate her comments.  Yet, this particular exchange was offensive. Considering I wasn’t even addressing her, I really find that amazing.  I guess I don’t think of the comments as my space, actually. I feel everybody has every right to say whatever they feel and that if two readers want to use the comments section to address each other that is up to them.

I really fail to see the point of encouraging discussion otherwise. So, have at it. The comments aren’t my space. If you’re not a spammer, you’re free to share your thoughts here, whatever they are. If you think my religion is a crock of shit, you’re free to say that.  If you think I shouldn’t have posted on this other blog or posted this post, you’re free to say that. If you think I’m brow beating someone now, you’re free to say that. If someone else disagrees with you, they are free to say so. That’s how it works over here.

And no, I won’t name names. Those who want to track this down can easily do so, but that is really beside the point.

Go behind the cut to see a discussion about tolerance.

That’s All Folks

CC just came and loaded what was left of her stuff into Jessie’s truck.  School is out and she will no longer be staying here.  Neither will our kids, half the time. It’s over.

Master says he’s been looking forward to it. I don’t feel any relief. What can I say? I still don’t think this is how it is supposed to be.

Calling All Mirena Users

So, I’m thinking about getting the Mirena IUD. Actually, I have an appointment to do it this week. I am a bit freaked out by a couple things and would love to hear from people who aleady use it. All feedback is welcomed, but I’m obviously most interested in the positive stories.

Thanks in advance!

Judgment

Well, I’m sitting at the airport on my way home from the Shadowlane party.  My flight is delayed and I have a few minutes to write. This party has really got me thinking about identity issues and judgment.  I  certainly am in a different place than I’ve ever been before at one of these parties. I spent a lot of time thinking about this leading up to the party because I was worried about repeating events from the past.  Luckily they weren’t repeated, but I think it’s still worth writing about.

I’ve changed a lot over the last few years. I’ve gone from someone who was scraping by a living on a very part time job and living in a tiny apartment and trying to get established with this family I loved to a stay at home parent in a poly family doing exactly what I wanted with my life despite the disapproval I encountered from the outside. Now, I am working full time, taking care of the children, running the household.  I have responsibilities, debt, a family.

I didn’t ever intend to do it alone, but I’m at a place in my life and personal development that is really good and really important. I’ve come into my own, I guess. I totally own my life and my choices.  Even though things are hard right now what I am trying to do is move forward.

And yet, what I am running into is expectations and judgment.  So, I thought I might try to make a few things clear.

1. I am still the same person I have always been. I am a bright and intelligent woman. I am capable. I have well developed values and I have a pretty clear idea of what I want from life.

2.  I am a grownup. I am a parent. I am able to make my own choices and own them. I am able to make judgment calls. My greatest joy in life is to take care of people, and I love being taken care of in return.  I do not need parenting or people to tell me what to do. When I reach out for help what I need is support and opinions. I can make the final decisions by myself.

3. I am choosing to be in the situation I am in.  I love my Master. I want to be a slave. I love these children. This is exactly the situation I sought out aggressively five and a half years ago. Nobody manipulated me into the position i am in now.  In fact, Master tried to warn me away. I made a choice. Obviously the current sad events we are dealing with were not my goal, but it doesn’t change anything about my choice. These are the people I love and want to be with. This is the life I have chosen.

New Job

Well, my last company let me and everyone else who worked there go in mid January. I know I am by no means the only person in this position right now. I went through all kinds of panic about this because the timing was as bad as it could be for myself and my family.

Within a week I had a temporary job, for which I am extremely grateful because our finances are very tight.  This temporary job was meant to last anywhere from two to six months. It was a very unique situation, and I was very lucky to stumble into it. It also allowed me to delay filing for unemployment. I wanted to wait because I would have been entitled to a lot more in April than I was in January, given that I’d only worked for six months.

I was hesitant to take the temp job. I even told the ladies who interviewed me that I didn’t want something temporary and would be looking for more permanent options. I also asked to have flexibility with interviewing. I have no idea why they wanted me in light of that, but it sure has been great. I feel a little bit of guilt now that things have taken their course.

Anyway, it turns out I don’t need to file for unemployment. I was just offered a job today at a really big, good company. They shouldn’t be shaken by the current economic climate, and it’s more money (though by no means are our financial woes solved) than I’ve ever made before on my own. It’s also a big step up in terms of legitimacy, after having worked several shitty jobs in my life.

I actually thought there was very little chance I could actually get this position. It was sort of my holy grail. I’m still not really sure how it happened, but I can’t help but feel that there is an element of fate here. I am trying to put my life back in line with God, fate, the universe. I want to stop fighting and let things fall into place. I hope I can let this job be a first step for that. We all need to move in a positive direction now.

I Don’t See…

“I don’t see why you can’t do both the kids laundry and mine in the next two days and have it totally folded and put away.”

This was the declaration that Master made to me this morning. He’s made a lot of similar comments in the last couple of weeks. As far as I can tell, he wants me to do everything I did when I was home, except now I’m not home. I’m working an hour away at a temp job. If I am extremely lucky I will get a permanent job very soon in roughly the same location.

I get home at 6 pm every night. I make dinner in a rush.  Along with Master I try to coax the kids to do some homework. Then it’s time to put the baby to bed, which usually I do, but sometimes Master does as well. After that, I struggle to get the house picked up a little bit and dinner cleaned up and spend a little bit of quality time with Master before I am too exhausted to do anything else.

That is the extent of Master’s involvement in the household running. I clean the house. I cook the meals. I clean up the meals. I do the laundry. I do the grocery shopping. I clean up the extra messes that pop up when you have kids. In short, I do it all and occasionally am able to get Master’s help with the kids, if he’s not too busy with other things. I don’t think I should try to comment on the validity of the other things, I have opinions that some are more legit than others, but it doesn’t matter.

In theory, this is what I signed up for. I am a slave, and slaves do service. I certainly do a lot of it.  But I can’t keep up. I’m feeling like a total failure. Master is unhappy. Last weekend he went off on me about the house and laundry.  He is upset because the bathroom isn’t kept up (five people are sharing it) and he can’t keep track of his own towel. I hate that I can’t keep up with the small details.

On the other  hand, I’m angry. It’s not very slave like, but I’m having a hard time watching Master do nothing to very little around here and then have the nerve to be mad at me when things aren’t done. Also, he’s back to wallowing. He’s full of self pity about how he is a failure and he’s back to being totally focused on the loss of CC. I’m not sure grieving leaves room for any other relationships. I’m afraid this is the end for us because there isn’t any room for me anymore. I’m not taking any action on this, but I don’t know what to think. I’m tired of being all alone while he sits in his private shell of grief.

I’ve tried to talk to him about this and he says, “Is it unreasonable for me to expect you to do what I ask?” Well, no, but… and it’s the but where we get stuck. He won’t let me share it. He shuts down. We never finish a conversation.  I actually am not sure we ever have our entire relationship. Both CC and Master totally shut down.  They are happy to listen to a point but they aren’t interested in any active communication.

I’ve had every intention of having my next post be positive. Honestly, good things happen to me.  But, I’m hurting. It seems to go in cycles. Every time I think things are improving we go backwards. I’m tired of the isolation. I didn’t sign up to do it all alone. Even when I knew I would be living a life of service I thought it would be with help. That whole sister slave thing.  I’m overwhelmed and sad and I don’t know what to do anymore.

The kids are suffering. The baby has cried every day the last two weeks when I’ve dropped him off at day care. He doesn’t like the new early routine.  The older ones complain too. Yesterday they had no school and had to go to daycare. They whined all morning on the way. They don’t like the split schedule.They miss mommy and are sick of us because mommy leaves on her days off but we stay here all the time.

I’m miserable.  And now whose wallowing? Pot, meet kettle.