searching for, “Help! I’ve never done laundry.”

I am sorry. I suspect this was not what you were looking for. Good luck!

Well, I am officially home from the Shadowlane party although my brain is still there. I am very bummed and missing all of my friends already!

For Master and I everything started Thursday night when we packed up the car and started driving to Vegas.  We left around 7:00 (later than we wanted) and drove until 11:00 or so. Then we picked an appealing rest stop and slept in the back of the SUV. That is a weird experience, let me tell you. It feels a bit like living in a fish bowl. Still, starting the drive on Thursday had the effect of making the trip relaxing and although we were both tired we were more rested than we would have been if we’d tried to do it all in one go.

We had lunch in Utah with Master’s mom and his sister. We surprised them! Unfortunately they had a surprise for us too -  his mother was going to Vegas for the weekend too. Apparently she was seeing a concert.  Cue very uncomfortable perverts hoping not to be asked too many details about their own trip…

I am going to put this behind a cut because it is shaping up to be a novel.

When we arrived in Vegas we had a short wait before we could check into our room, so we hung out with Fireman Chris. I was feeling really little and excited, and I guess this is a side of me that Chris had never seen before. I guess it is true that Master brings it out in me more, and I was more excited than most parties because he was there.

Unfortunately, when Master took my phone away from me I became very pouty and tried to get him to give it back. I was kidding, but I guess I took it too far. I kicked the table we were sitting at and dramatically it slid about a foot with a very large scraping noise. Master says he doesn’t believe I was kidding. I don’t really know what to say there. I can’t make him believe me, but it does hurt my feelings to be doubted a bit. Either way he says the reaction was too extreme, and that was the first spanking of the weekend – it wasn’t the fun kind I was hoping for.

I later heard that Chris was considering offering Master his room key. Hmmm. For once this weekend my friends seemed to uniformly agree with Master, so I bet that was nice for him. Even if this particular incident made me sad. What a way to start a fun party – in trouble. The punishment itself was not severe, mostly symbolic but it still took a while to shake off.  Blah. Anyway, on to more interesting things…

The theme for the vendor fair was “Back to School” and predictably there were many schoolgirls in attendance. I haven’t been so into the schoolgirl themes lately, but I decided to go ahead with it because 1. Master likes it, 2. I didn’t have to do the British schoolgirl, and 3.  I convinced Master to dress as a priest!  I’ve gone to several Shadowlane parties and I’ve never seen anyone else dressed as a priest, ever.  I thought it was be incredibly hot, although to be fair he does look more like the young hip priest than the traditional strict priest… However, this party there were THREE priests! I couldn’t believe it. Someone had a psychic wavelength.

At any rate, he wore his Roman collar and I dressed in a plaid jumper. Our new friend Mystery Minx braided my hair and we headed down. The London Tanners were in attendance this year, which is good because it seems the vendor fair is dying. I am sure it is a sign of the Economy, but it made me really sad!

After saying hello to all my wonderful friends I realized I was starving and convinced Pablo and Mija to go with us to dinner. We all stayed dressed up, and I suspect we confused our waiter slightly. However, I was starving and it was really good! We closed down the place, and went back to the hotel. We spent the rest of the evening with Mija watching a spanking video that also happened to feature a priest, and then I crashed out and we went to bed. So much for suite parties… it was a good plan.

The next morning I wanted an orgasm. This happens frequently. Although I always have to ask, usually Master says yes. However this time he told me I could only have an orgasm if I took ten hard swats. Hard by Master’s definition. I really debated, but ultimately my desire for selfish pleasure won out.  I was crying by two. The orgasm was *wonderful.*  Mmmmm

There was a suite party in the afternoon that Master and I went to. I did a really fun scene with M which started out fairly straightforward (I bent over, he spanked me, I said oww) but ended up with me getting a bit angry and fighting him. We wrestled quite hard and I almost got the better of him a couple of times, but ultimately I lost and ended up with a sore bottom after all.  We generated quite a crowd, and I have to say I was quite embarrassed because it must have been very obscene the ways I was twisting my legs and body when I was trying to escape.

I learned a lesson at this party, though.  Actually I already knew it, but my enthusiasm got the better of me. I tried to set Master up with a really sexy lady, and it didn’t work out. He just ended up annoyed with me, and I suspect she did too. I think they both forgive me, but it was really a bummer for me. I should have known it wouldn’t go well.  Apparently Dominant men don’t like to be told who to play with. Who knew?

That evening we found ourselves in the ballroom enjoying “Prom Night” with tacos. Yeah. Interesting food choice, but I liked it well enough. Mija was not impressed. I dunno how others fared. I made a date to play with the lovely Cassandra, but we never found each other again. I have a huge crush on that lady though, especially after seeing her partner in a priest’s collar. Some day she will beat me, and I will probably cry. Cause she is scary. And hot. Mmmm..

The other person I got to speak to at dinner was M’s lovely wife Iris.  Although I am not much of a top, I love spanking her and she is actually one of the first people who ever bottomed to me. She is sort of a heavy bottom and I think she was deemed one of the people least likely to be scared away if I messed up.  Anyway, now I usually beat her once a party or so, but this time there was a complication. She’s pregnant and basically wasn’t playing for the weekend.  I guess I am just special because she agreed to make an exception for me, and after dinner we all found ourselves back in Pablo and Mija’s room waiting for the crowd to assemble.

Iris doesn’t like stingy implements. In fact she hates them. Canes are her worst enemy. Usually I use a heavy strap, and this time I did that again.  However, I really wanted to use a cane be cause I enjoy it a lot and don’t get to do it very much. I asked her if I could, and I could tell she didn’t want to.  Still, she said I could give her a few as long as I didn’t do it too hard.

Well, I gave her a couple moderate ones. Then a couple harder ones. I asked her how she was doing. She said she was happy and I could keep going. Hmmmm. Really? Ok.  I used the cane for a long time, but decided she’d been a trooper and I would go back to the strap I know she likes. After two whacks she turned around and said, “I can’t do that one, it’s making me tense my stomach.”  So how is that for pregnancy cravings? Apparently she likes stingy pain now. I wonder if it will go back after the baby is born? Her husband was also appreciative and gave her some cane strokes of his own. Amazing!

Also, before I get any hate mail on this I’ll just let it be known that she did consult her doctor about playing during her pregnancy.

One embarrassing thing that happened to me before we went to spank Iris happened in our room. We stopped to buy a bottle of wine and also to change our clothes. When we got back to our room Master threw me on the bed, and I thought he was going to fuck me. He did, but not how I expected. Instead I found the freezing cold wine bottle inserted into my personal places. I was so embarrassed and hid my face, but it didn’t stop the pain or the embarrassment either. It was an unopened bottle, and of course we cleaned it off, but I still really relived when nobody really wanted any at Pablo and Mija’s room. I think I would have died!

After I let Iris up the conversation quickly turned to discussion about my wrestling match with M.  Master thought it would be a good idea for me to take on new friends Zille and Mystery Minx, and Zille’s partner agreed. Mystery Minx and Zille went first, and I was told I would take on the winner.  I ended up paired with Zille and yes, I got my ass kicked. Master says I made a decent showing, but all I can say is ouch! I would love to take her on again, so she had better come to more parties.

I also got a caning of my own, although it was over jeans and mostly left me hungry for more.  I was hoping Master would spank me in the suite, but he ended up doing all of his play privately.  Still, I think a good time was had by all.

It was wonderful to meet some new people. I especially hope that Zille and her partner will stay in touch. Their presence is officially required at parties moving forward. Also Mystery Minx turned out to be a lovely girl and quite good at bratting. I’m glad I never got anywhere near her squirty chocolate.

Finally, I will desperately miss Pablo, Mija, Fireman Chris (and his wife Sparkle who didn’t make it this week), M, Iris, and everyone else who makes this party so special every year. Seriously guys, we can’t keep waiting until Shadowlane to see each other. Who wants to come to Denver?

Just a few pics of my newest toys! I am so in love with the bicycle it is unbelieveable. So awesome! My party is tonight. I hope it will be fun!! See you all later.

My bike!

Me on my bike!

My Planner - sorry these pics aren’t that great they were taken with my phone.

I want Master to re establish our dynamic and start using discipline again. it’s been an area of sadness for me for a long time.

Well, he’s decided to. I’m in trouble. What issue did he choose to bring focus and clarity back to our relationship? Toilet paper. Yes, really. He is ticked that he ran out. Why did he have to pick toilet paper? That’s the one item I thought was the stupidest thing I have ever been punished for.

And now it’s come back to haunt me. Seriously? I’m glad Master is wanting to bring us back to a good place. I appreciate it.

But come on.  I don’t think I’ll ever have the right attitude on this issue.

I’ll let everyone (all 3 of you who still read) know how it goes. But damn it. Toilet paper. *grumble grumble*

So,  yesterday I was publicly chastised for using the comment section on another person’s blog to engage in open disagreement and discussion with one of the other readers about tolerance, religious and otherwise. It was the religious portion of the discussion that was offensive to at least one of the blog owners. She also said, with regard to my comments,  “However, in all the time we’ve written here, I don’t remember anyone ever using OUR comments to go after another reader. That feels a little like having someone who is a guest in my home decide to pick a fight with another guest, and that is unacceptable.”

Apparently the view of this blog owner is that I was brow beating this other person by stating my opposing views and that my views were not to be expressed in “their” space.  I was encouraged to use my own space to do that. So, I guess that is what I will do.

My intent was to let it go, or at least wait a day or two and see how I would be feeling then. However, it turns out I’m rather pissed. I wasn’t pissed when all this started. I was not mad at the other commenter, and I did not feel we were having an ugly discussion. Actually I thought the discussion was rather interesting and I was enjoying engaging with this person. We both had strong views, and I think that makes for interesting conversation.

I wasn’t even pissed when the blogger decided to call me out and chastise me publicly. That’s one of my kinks after all, public humiliation. But, I did think it was excessively nasty and a huge escalation from anything that had gone on in the comment section. I was baffled by it.

When did I become pissed? When the other commenter I had been engaging with took the opportunity to jump on the bandwagon and tell me to “get a grip” and also to make another catty comment about the possibility of being “yelled” at again.  The blog owner? Apparently she found that just fine and assured said commenter that she would not experience that again in that space. It’s fine for me to be attacked because my view was the wrong one, but not fine for me to engage in a civil discussion. Yeah.

So here is the deal. I already apologized over on this other blog for causing a commenter to feel brow beaten or yelled at. I apologized for hitting a hot button for the blog owners and causing them to feel attacked.  That was all sincere. I would never want to do that to anyone and if that was the result of my stating my views then certainly I am sorry.

But I don’t understand for the life of me how this whole thing could have escalated to that level.  For one thing, unmoderated comments on a blog to me has always implied that discussion and conversation is encouraged.  I personally am not interested in reading comments from groupies who never encourage me to think or do anything other than say, “hear hear!”

Neither does this person, apparently, because she doesn’t moderate her comments.  Yet, this particular exchange was offensive. Considering I wasn’t even addressing her, I really find that amazing.  I guess I don’t think of the comments as my space, actually. I feel everybody has every right to say whatever they feel and that if two readers want to use the comments section to address each other that is up to them.

I really fail to see the point of encouraging discussion otherwise. So, have at it. The comments aren’t my space. If you’re not a spammer, you’re free to share your thoughts here, whatever they are. If you think my religion is a crock of shit, you’re free to say that.  If you think I shouldn’t have posted on this other blog or posted this post, you’re free to say that. If you think I’m brow beating someone now, you’re free to say that. If someone else disagrees with you, they are free to say so. That’s how it works over here.

And no, I won’t name names. Those who want to track this down can easily do so, but that is really beside the point.

Go behind the cut to see a discussion about tolerance.

Incidentally, if you would like to have a discussion about judging others, this would be a good place to put it. I’ll get the ball rolling there.  Personally, I feel that using a wide brush to paint individuals with is a dangerous thing to do. I think that’s true whether you are talking about Christians, Muslims, Jews, Kinky people, Poly People, Perverts, Lawyers, Musicians, Teachers, Rich People, Poor People, People from Texas, or Martians.

It is never as simple as it appears. To say that only the poor abused minorities should get to defend themselves while those who are lucky enough to be in the mainstream should shut up and accept mischaracterizations because they come from backgrounds that are unfortunate is madness.  Should the children pay because their parents or grandparents or great great grandparents in the middle ages were bad?

Discuss away.

CC just came and loaded what was left of her stuff into Jessie’s truck.  School is out and she will no longer be staying here.  Neither will our kids, half the time. It’s over.

Master says he’s been looking forward to it. I don’t feel any relief. What can I say? I still don’t think this is how it is supposed to be.

So, I’m thinking about getting the Mirena IUD. Actually, I have an appointment to do it this week. I am a bit freaked out by a couple things and would love to hear from people who aleady use it. All feedback is welcomed, but I’m obviously most interested in the positive stories.

Thanks in advance!

Well, I’m sitting at the airport on my way home from the Shadowlane party.  My flight is delayed and I have a few minutes to write. This party has really got me thinking about identity issues and judgment.  I  certainly am in a different place than I’ve ever been before at one of these parties. I spent a lot of time thinking about this leading up to the party because I was worried about repeating events from the past.  Luckily they weren’t repeated, but I think it’s still worth writing about.

I’ve changed a lot over the last few years. I’ve gone from someone who was scraping by a living on a very part time job and living in a tiny apartment and trying to get established with this family I loved to a stay at home parent in a poly family doing exactly what I wanted with my life despite the disapproval I encountered from the outside. Now, I am working full time, taking care of the children, running the household.  I have responsibilities, debt, a family.

I didn’t ever intend to do it alone, but I’m at a place in my life and personal development that is really good and really important. I’ve come into my own, I guess. I totally own my life and my choices.  Even though things are hard right now what I am trying to do is move forward.

And yet, what I am running into is expectations and judgment.  So, I thought I might try to make a few things clear.

1. I am still the same person I have always been. I am a bright and intelligent woman. I am capable. I have well developed values and I have a pretty clear idea of what I want from life.

2.  I am a grownup. I am a parent. I am able to make my own choices and own them. I am able to make judgment calls. My greatest joy in life is to take care of people, and I love being taken care of in return.  I do not need parenting or people to tell me what to do. When I reach out for help what I need is support and opinions. I can make the final decisions by myself.

3. I am choosing to be in the situation I am in.  I love my Master. I want to be a slave. I love these children. This is exactly the situation I sought out aggressively five and a half years ago. Nobody manipulated me into the position i am in now.  In fact, Master tried to warn me away. I made a choice. Obviously the current sad events we are dealing with were not my goal, but it doesn’t change anything about my choice. These are the people I love and want to be with. This is the life I have chosen.

Given all of this, I thought I thought I might take a minute to explain how I use my blog.

You see, I write to work through things. If you read the archives of my blog you will find some good things. There are some hot things too. But, the reality is that a lot of what I write is because I have something on my mind that I want to get off my chest. Sometimes I want other people’s opinions too. Either way I don’t mind them because I think they can allow me to look at situations from a perspective I may not have thought of yet.

I usually test on personality tests as introverted, but I also think out loud. Maybe I’m an extrovert who values her personal space. I am an only child, so maybe that has something to do with it. I still get exhausted by crowds and people. Yet when it comes to dealing with problems I need a sounding board. I use my friends this way, but putting things up on a blog is a really easy and non burdensome way to get feedback. I figure people who want to know what is going on with me can read it without feeling burdened or trapped by my seeking them out.

Master wrote about the fact that his blog isn’t a complete picture of him. I think he’s awfully tired of being the bad guy, although I wouldn’t want to speak for him. We are multi dimensional people. When I come to this space to vent or work through an issue in writing it does not mean that I am dissatisfied with my relationship. Actually it means the opposite, that I am trying to work out a way to keep it good and/or make it better.

We are adults. Life happens. Right now life is happening in very copious quantities. It sucks. I’ve got a lot to vent about. I think anyone in my situation would, and I am not ashamed of that. But, this is not an invitation to judge my life choices.

It’s funny, I don’t expect that anyone should like Master. People are people and not everyone gets along. It’s possible for personalities to rub the wrong way.  There is a big difference though between disliking Master and judging him as an asshole, or otherwise a bad person. There is also a difference between disliking Master and judging our relationship as dysfunctional. I know  I show the dysfunctional elements here, but surely the kinds of intelligent people who read here should be able to see that five years later that can’t be all there is.

I don’t think that people really see how insulting it is to tell me that my Master, who I love and have chosen to spend my life with is not worthy of me. I understand that it usually isn’t the intent and people are coming from a place of wanting to protect me, but come on. If you think he is so horrible what does that say about my judgment to be with him and to be part of this family? Relationships are two ways and therefore all those judgments that people have about Master inevitably end up applying to me too – even if it’s not the intent.

So, I just want to be clear. I use this blog in a way that is personally helpful. I get things off my chest. I collect input. I want to hear your thoughts.  But this is not a full picture of my life. I’d love to be able to show you a more balanced picture, but right now my energy is going into living my life and keeping that balance. When things even out again you will probably see that reflected.

In the mean time, don’t assume that you know me. You probably don’t. And, I am sort of over defending myself for a while.

Well, my last company let me and everyone else who worked there go in mid January. I know I am by no means the only person in this position right now. I went through all kinds of panic about this because the timing was as bad as it could be for myself and my family.

Within a week I had a temporary job, for which I am extremely grateful because our finances are very tight.  This temporary job was meant to last anywhere from two to six months. It was a very unique situation, and I was very lucky to stumble into it. It also allowed me to delay filing for unemployment. I wanted to wait because I would have been entitled to a lot more in April than I was in January, given that I’d only worked for six months.

I was hesitant to take the temp job. I even told the ladies who interviewed me that I didn’t want something temporary and would be looking for more permanent options. I also asked to have flexibility with interviewing. I have no idea why they wanted me in light of that, but it sure has been great. I feel a little bit of guilt now that things have taken their course.

Anyway, it turns out I don’t need to file for unemployment. I was just offered a job today at a really big, good company. They shouldn’t be shaken by the current economic climate, and it’s more money (though by no means are our financial woes solved) than I’ve ever made before on my own. It’s also a big step up in terms of legitimacy, after having worked several shitty jobs in my life.

I actually thought there was very little chance I could actually get this position. It was sort of my holy grail. I’m still not really sure how it happened, but I can’t help but feel that there is an element of fate here. I am trying to put my life back in line with God, fate, the universe. I want to stop fighting and let things fall into place. I hope I can let this job be a first step for that. We all need to move in a positive direction now.

“I don’t see why you can’t do both the kids laundry and mine in the next two days and have it totally folded and put away.”

This was the declaration that Master made to me this morning. He’s made a lot of similar comments in the last couple of weeks. As far as I can tell, he wants me to do everything I did when I was home, except now I’m not home. I’m working an hour away at a temp job. If I am extremely lucky I will get a permanent job very soon in roughly the same location.

I get home at 6 pm every night. I make dinner in a rush.  Along with Master I try to coax the kids to do some homework. Then it’s time to put the baby to bed, which usually I do, but sometimes Master does as well. After that, I struggle to get the house picked up a little bit and dinner cleaned up and spend a little bit of quality time with Master before I am too exhausted to do anything else.

That is the extent of Master’s involvement in the household running. I clean the house. I cook the meals. I clean up the meals. I do the laundry. I do the grocery shopping. I clean up the extra messes that pop up when you have kids. In short, I do it all and occasionally am able to get Master’s help with the kids, if he’s not too busy with other things. I don’t think I should try to comment on the validity of the other things, I have opinions that some are more legit than others, but it doesn’t matter.

In theory, this is what I signed up for. I am a slave, and slaves do service. I certainly do a lot of it.  But I can’t keep up. I’m feeling like a total failure. Master is unhappy. Last weekend he went off on me about the house and laundry.  He is upset because the bathroom isn’t kept up (five people are sharing it) and he can’t keep track of his own towel. I hate that I can’t keep up with the small details.

On the other  hand, I’m angry. It’s not very slave like, but I’m having a hard time watching Master do nothing to very little around here and then have the nerve to be mad at me when things aren’t done. Also, he’s back to wallowing. He’s full of self pity about how he is a failure and he’s back to being totally focused on the loss of CC. I’m not sure grieving leaves room for any other relationships. I’m afraid this is the end for us because there isn’t any room for me anymore. I’m not taking any action on this, but I don’t know what to think. I’m tired of being all alone while he sits in his private shell of grief.

I’ve tried to talk to him about this and he says, “Is it unreasonable for me to expect you to do what I ask?” Well, no, but… and it’s the but where we get stuck. He won’t let me share it. He shuts down. We never finish a conversation.  I actually am not sure we ever have our entire relationship. Both CC and Master totally shut down.  They are happy to listen to a point but they aren’t interested in any active communication.

I’ve had every intention of having my next post be positive. Honestly, good things happen to me.  But, I’m hurting. It seems to go in cycles. Every time I think things are improving we go backwards. I’m tired of the isolation. I didn’t sign up to do it all alone. Even when I knew I would be living a life of service I thought it would be with help. That whole sister slave thing.  I’m overwhelmed and sad and I don’t know what to do anymore.

The kids are suffering. The baby has cried every day the last two weeks when I’ve dropped him off at day care. He doesn’t like the new early routine.  The older ones complain too. Yesterday they had no school and had to go to daycare. They whined all morning on the way. They don’t like the split schedule.They miss mommy and are sick of us because mommy leaves on her days off but we stay here all the time.

I’m miserable.  And now whose wallowing? Pot, meet kettle.