Memory Eternal- Patriarch Aleksi

The Russian Patriarch Aleksi passed away today.  I don’t have a lot to say on a personal level, but I’m sad for the church. He was a great man, if controversial at times. The New York Times writes about him here.

May his memory be eternal!

Friends

Yesterday afternoon Master loaded up all three kids and took off in the car. He is taking them to his Grandmother’s for Thanksgiving.  I wish I was going with him, but I couldn’t have gotten the time off work and I really need to see my parents since I may not see them at Christmas.  Obviously, CC did not go with him either.

I have been hoping to spend time with her since Master moved out, but so far (granted it’s only been three nights) she’s filled her time in other ways. Last night she was planning to be gone over night, and I was trying to decide how to fill my own time when Jessie pointed out that the discussion group our mutual friends run was scheduled for last night. I decided to go, and CC and Jessie did too for most of it.

The topic was nurturing. I can’t say that I had a lot of insight into it, but it was definitely interesting.  As it turned out it was a good thing CC and Jessie left when they did, because almost as soon as they walked out the door we were instructed to write what we would do for our partners to nurture them, and I lost it.  I’ve been trying to keep my overt displays to a minimum especially with CC, but I’m only partially succeeding. I’m glad she wasn’t there to see this.

Anyway, aside from feeling like an idiot for crying in front of everyone, it turned out to be a fairly positive thing. After the discussion I was whisked away to Dennys for an appetizer plate and a long talk. I mostly just rambled, but I appreciated the company and the opportunity to get some of this out. It was nice just to have some validation.  Anyone who reads here knows because I bitch about it a lot, but I think I’m in the toughest position here. I suspect all three of us probably think we are in the toughest position.

I think these friends of mine have a different perspective on the situation than other people I have talked to. They agree that the trip he took was part of his path and that he needed to finish it. Most everyone else I know has said he shouldn’t have left in the first place. I’m really sad about the direction things are going now because I feel like he really should have finished his trip.  Coming home early really derailed things and I feel like this should not have happened the way it’s happening. I’m also sad because I feel he will have to finish it sometime, and once again I’ll be left alone while he does this.

So anyway, this isn’t quite the positive post I intended to write, but neither is it fully negative. I’m getting to know some new friends, and I have a bit of support in these tough times. All I can do is wait this out.

Primary

Master and I have been talking a lot about the definition of “primary partner” recently. The reason it started was that he is very concerned about not being CCs primary anymore. He fears that if they open themselves up to new possibilities that the result will be with him as her secondary partner after years of living together and being primary to each other.  So, we got to talking.

I’m not sure I understand Master’s definition of “primary” but I know what it means for me. Being primary with someone is about the role I share in their life.  It’s about the value that they place on the relationship. I need to know that the person to whom I am primary values our relationship at the highest level possible. I need to know that making and keeping things right with me is the focus and that no other person or relationship is going to win out.

I don’t think it’s about exclusivity. I can easily imagine another person (or people) being at that level. I think the catch there is that everyone needs to be at that level together for that to work. There can not be conflicting interests. That’s actually one of the things I’m discovering is a problem for me now. I have had both Master and CC (our family as a whole) in the primary position. I’m struggling with feeling I now have to choose between my wife and my Master as to who gets to be the primary in my life.

Master seems to equate being primary to living together and… I’m not sure what else. It seems to be in large part about power for him. In fact, Master expressed concern about future dynamics because he isn’t sure that he wants another slave at the level that I am. He could see him self in a DD relationship, or maybe a more “normal” relationship and he is concerned that I could view that as threatening, or lose my primary status.  This is something we need to talk about, but right now it doesn’t seem to be about power.

What I need to know is my value. I need to know that Master is committed to making us work.  I need to know that no matter what he has with anyone else  his priority is keeping us strong.  I need to know that making sure my needs are met, and our needs jointly comes before pursuing fun on the side or secondary relationships. I need to know that secondary relationships are going to be balanced with his relationship with me and that as any of them grow in importance to him he is committed to keeping me in this place, even if he is adding to it.

These things are pretty core to me.  I know being primary is core to Master too, but I don’t know how much of it matches up.

Consumed

Everyone here is extremely consumed by emotion.  You’ve seen a lot of mine on this blog, it’s one of the ways I’ve processed and dealt with things lately. I’ve wondered a bit how much of it I should put out here, but hey. Where else should I put it,if not here? I’m not sure what’s coming accross about my own personal struggle. It’s intense,and I feel a range of emotions. I suppose they all do,though I only know what I see.

CC hasn’t shared that much about her feelings.I’m not the person she opens up to about those things anyway. I know she has to be going through all sorts of feelings. Most of what I tend to actually see is manifested by distance. She pulls away to get space to think. She pulls away when she feels attacked.She pulls away any time she feels threatened I think.  The distance is a pretty clear sign to me that she’s in a bad place, but I’m not really privileged to know the specifics. Occasionally after the fact I do, but rarely in the moment.

Then there is Master. He is quite angry. Lately it seems I can’t talk to him without running into a big wall of anger. I’m pretty sure CC can’t either. It’s making me very sad and very distrustful. I hope this is a grief stage he is working through, because I don’t like this side of him. The way he is speaking and the decisions he seems to be making are very alien to me. I don’t really even know him anymore. I’ve literally never seen him like this.  I tried to talk to him about this a little bit today, I never know if I’ve been heard.

I think the anger and resentment is extremely destructive. I know everyone feels it and it’s normal, but focusing on it this intensely can’t do anything but continue to break down the few foundations that are still standing. I wonder sometimes if this is what he wants, if he’s trying to burn bridges. He says he is leaving things open but moving on. I feel like he’s slamming doors left and right.

Related only somewhat peripherally, Master says he thinks I’m trying to force them to stay together. He says I need to stop encouraging them to “just keep trying.” It’s odd because I really don’t feel I’m doing that. I do desperately wish they could find a way to live together, and to me it seems they should be able to. But, what I want for them is really independent of that. What I want to see is for them to both drop the crap and come together and focus on their family. I’d like them to be kind to each other. I’d like them to remember that they claim to love each other. I don’t care where everyone lives. I do care that we keep what is really important in perspective.

Right now,  I’m afraid this extreme anger and disconnect is going to fracture everything and I’m going to lose both of them. I don’t know how to begin to get my head around that.

My Girls

Before I get into this post, I want to emphasize that what I am about to talk about is my fantasy. It’s an activity that is based in consent between adults. This is not about real children for either of us.

I mentioned in a previous post that Master has recently embraced the concept of age play. I’ve been very excited about this because it is a piece of me that I’ve never really gotten to express. Even those who are comfortable in theory with age play usually don’t like the level of abusiveness that I am interested in. In the past what I’ve done is settled for allowing myself to “feel little” once in a while during scenes where it wasn’t explicitly stated.

However, with all the changes occurring in our relationship Master and I have been playing a lot with this stuff much more overtly. I think it’s been helpful for me to allow myself to feel a little more childlike because it’s allowed me to deal with some of my emotions that I have been keeping under the surface for a while now.

It’s been really nice to have the option to initiate with a simple shift in the way I address him. If I call him Daddy he knows I’m feeling little and vulnerable. It’s a way to convey where I am without nagging, and I like that. I love that I have the opportunity to be loved and protected by my Daddy while still knowing that at any minute he could turn and be Bad Daddy. The lines are blurred, and it keeps me on my toes.

I think Master enjoys it  too. He has continually thrown out ideas and scenarios and we have talked about them. Most of these I find incredibly hot. However, one thing we discovered while talking about this is that we have different fantasy ages in mind. I generally prefer to be younger (pre-teen), whereas Master is mostly interested in a slightly older headspace. Through talking about this we also discovered that there are elements of all these ages that we find appealing. They all lend themselves to different types of scenes.

Ultimately this led to a brilliant idea on Master’s part. We’ve created four different girls of four different ages, and they all have a different name. Master especially liked this because it provides a mechanism for him to tell me where his head is and where he wants to go in a scene. I also have the option of telling him which one I am identifying with at any given time. They all seem really interesting, and I’m excited to get to know them. That’s actually why I started this post- to tell you about them.

Just like last time, details are behind the cut. Read at your own discretion. Also keep in mind that these are fantasies between adults. None of us would ever support harming real children.

Yet Another Mindless Blogging Zombie!

Ok, not really. I think I’m the only one who is that addicted to my blog in this family.

Astute readers will notice that I’ve added two new links to my blog. Why? Because my lovely sister wife CC has started her own blog.  She’s been writing in it privately for a while, but decided to open it up to the public. You might be thinking that she wants to share her feelings about everything that’s been going on lately. Or, you might think that she wants to have a place to complain about how horrible I am at cooking Tuna Noodle Casserole.

But, you’d be wrong. She is actually opening her blog up to humilate her sissy, Jessie. I told her that if she started a private blog she was going to get addicted to blogging but she didn’t believe me.  Nah nah nah! By all means give her shit for this. And make sure her Jessie knows you’re enjoying his contribution too.

Maintenance

I know, it might be a little annoying to readers, but I can’t seem to help myself. I get bored every several weeks with my skin and put on a new one.  WordPress doesn’t have *that* many to choose from though so I probably will cycle back through eventually.  Or maybe I’ll bug the people in my life who know how to do this kind of thing and get them to design something nifty.  Then again, maybe not.  Thanks for going with the flow in that regard.

Next, I’m thinking about getting google ads.  I’m not money hungry, but a little extra would be nice. I’ve heard mixed reviews about this sort of thing though. If you have an opinion let me know. Right now I’m leaning toward trying it out and seeing what I think. Any feedback would defintiely be appreciated there.

Other than that, hang on tight and I’ll write something interesting soon. I hope.

Up and Down

Well, I promised to write something kinky last time I wrote. The problem is, the kinky incident I had in mind to write about turned out to be really sad in my head. The reason for this that it led to a conversation between Master and CC which led to a decision on his part that the relationship is not going to work out. As of this moment he intends to come home early from his trip and move out. We have been talking about such topics as how to divide up finances.

Needless to say, I’ve been a wreck. I’ve gone through this before, the last time they decided they were done. At that time he decided to work on himself and see if they could reconcile. That’s what led to the trip in the first place. I don’t really know if things are *really* final now, or not. I don’t want to hold onto false hope that they might still reconcile, but I also know how volitile Master is.  I feel like he jumped the gun, and I feel like neither of them are done processing yet.

I also am a little surprised by what a violent reaction Master had to her statement that she doesn’t want him physically right now.  I actually sort of thought that was a given. I guess that’s probably because I’m a woman and understand how women are. It’s also because I think CC and I are very close and I feel like overall I’ve really understood where she was coming from when she’s explained it to me. I was sort of under the impression that the work he was doing on himself was intended to help him get his head around where she is, and around the way he wants to be as a person.

I thought the plan was for both to work on themselves, and then come back together with the intent to reconcile, but also with the understanding that it takes time, effort, etc. So, I’m confused and hurt by the direction things seem to be going. I’m trying to relax and wait it out, because there is no way to know where this will end up. I just want want my family intact.

I’m losing it a bit. Ok, I’m losing it more than a bit. I’ll try to keep things posted here, but I don’t know what my state of mind is likely to be.

On The Floor

Since I met Master, I’ve always slept on the floor. The first conversation we ever had about it came after I found out that CC sleeps on the floor. That was exactly how she presented it, and I remember being a bit shocked. When I asked him about it he asked how I’d feel about it.  It seems funny now, but at the time I was concerned. I said I didn’t think I’d be ok with it. “Why?” he asked me.  I answered, “Because I really like beds.” As it turns out, she had a very comfortable bed on the floor. This sticks with me a bit because I’ve had the same reaction from others when I have admitted to sleeping on the floor. I get everything from well meaning questions to accusations and concerns about my health.  If you’re concerned about my health, don’t be. I have a bed, really!

Early in our relationship I wasn’t allowed in his bedroom and would sleep on a pad on the floor in the basement.  Eventually I made it into the bedroom and for a very long time I slept at the foot of the bed. Poor CC had to step over me any time she wanted to go to the bathroom.  At the end of the visit I would put away my bedding and get it back out again the next time I came over. After a while it was deemed that I was in the way and we did some rearranging to allow me to sleep next to the bed instead. It was a while longer before it was decided I was in the home often enough to justify leaving my bedding out full time, but there was much rejoicing on my part.

Since discovering I would have a soft place to rest, sleeping on the floor has always felt like the right thing to do. From a practical poly perspective it’s been a good thing because we can’t all sleep together all the time, and none of us would actually want to. We value our space too much. It’s also always been one thing that helped me to feel grounded and in my place. I love having a spot that is mine that I can go to and feel connected to Master and my slave identity.  Also, not having a room that is mine it is one place in the home that I feel intensely defensive of. I guess it’s my happy place. I always seem to go there when I’m most upset.

I sleep in Master’s bed on average once a month. Some months I never sleep in his bed, and others I sleep there several times.  I do love sleeping with him as well, but the fact that it is a rare treat I think makes it more meaningful for me. Also, I know neither of us sleep as well when we are sharing a bed.  I also tend to sleep there when he is not going to be home.

The bed itself has gone through some transitions. When Master decided CC was going to sleep on the floor several years ago they went and bought two foldout foam sleep pads from Costco. CC slept on one for three years, then switched to the newer, less compressed one. The extra pad became the spare bed for girls, and it’s what I slept on for over a year. Eventually though it got to be too uncomfortable by itself. Again, I got a handmedown because CC had just purchased a memory foam mattress topper for her own bed, so I inherited her feather topper.

Not long after I decided I wanted memory foam as well, and bought my own.  That’s what I slept on for the next three years.  Recently I noticed I was feeling the floor more consistently and waking up sore, and I knew that the pad I slept on was officially dead.  Coscto now has the next generation of foam pads, and we bought one of those. It’s made a tremendous difference.  Incidentally, CC has since graduated to an actual mattress on the floor. I suppose that will be the next step for me, but I’ve got some time left.

Since Master has been gone my place on the floor has taken on another important role for me. It’s one of the main ways I maintain my feeling of connectedness to him. Even though he isn’t able to be next to me, I know that it’s still where I belong. Master has told me that for this long absense I may sleep in his bed once a week. That’s been nice too, but isn’t quite right without his presense. I can’t help feeling a bit of sadness at the void, but in a way I think it’s served as confirmation for me in an odd way.

So, that’s what my bed represents for me in both practical and emotional terms. I’ve gotten many questions about it over the years, and I’m hoping that perhaps this will clarify a bit. It seems like a potentially boring topic, but I promise to write something kinky later today or tomorrow.

Lyrics Snip

This is snipped from Jackson Brown’s Fountain of Sorrow. It just struck me today as really appropriate.

Now the things that I remember seem so distant and so small
Though it hasn’t really been that long a time
What I was seeing wasn’t what was happening at all
Although for a while, our path did seem to climb
But when you see through love’s illusions, there lies the danger
And your perfect lover just looks like a perfect fool
So you go running off in search of a perfect stranger
While the loneliness seems to spring from your life
Like a fountain from a pool

Fountain of sorrow, fountain of light
You’ve known that hollow sound of your own steps in flight
You’ve had to hide sometimes, but now you’re all right
And it’s good to see your smiling face tonight

Now for you and me it may not be that hard to reach our dreams
But that magic feeling never seems to last
And while the future’s there for anyone to change, still you know it’s seems
It would be easier sometimes to change the past
I’m just one or two years and a couple of changes behind you
In my lessons at love’s pain and heartache school
Where if you feel too free and you need something to remind you
There’s this loneliness springing up from your life
Like a fountain from a pool

I’m still grieving. Master leaves this week, although he’s put a deadline on himself. He and CC are now hoping to work things out.  I’m hopeful too, but I can’t imagine being alone for the time it’s going to take, and I don’t know what it looks like even if they do work it out.  I’ll try to write something kinky soon.