I’m going through some huge transitions right now. I’m trying to remain calm and focused, and I’ve mostly refrained from using this blog as a place to vent and work through things. My focus has been very internal. Master and I jumped off a cliff when we married K. We made decisions quickly and are now going through all of the adjustments you might expect – growing pains if you will.

For those of you who are wondering, yes it has been difficult for me. I don’t adjust to change easily. I like things to be stable and I like security. Having to let go of every single thing I thought was happening in my life to make room for something new isn’t an easy process. It may be rewarding, but it takes a lot of effort to get to that point.

Here is what I know:

I am a strong and capable person. I have faced many emotional challenges and come through them. I jumped into adulthood with little to no preamble. I went from being a pretty pampered kid (an only child from a middle class family) to a step parent of two (and later three) challenging children in what now feels like the blink of an eye. I entered into a very complicated relationship structure without having any real experience with relationships, and have made it work to varying degrees for eight years now. That is longer than most marriages today. I have faced judgement, intervention and criticism from my parents and friends. I have worked to navigate the often confusing and conflicting experience of being a Christian and being a kinky, poly, submissive, deviant person. I have sacrificed the things that I want in this life to make room for the people I love. I have done this again and again for years. It’s part of making things work.

Sometimes I wonder -Those of you who judge me for sticking around when things seem less than ideal, what is your track record with relationships? On what basis do you assume I should be doing something else? My grandparents were together for 70 years. My own parents have been together just over 25 years. I’ve seen stability and commitment modeled in my life and I’ve made decisions to pursue that. No, I won’t just walk away from people I love because it is hard for others to understand.

Here is what else I know:

I deserve to be happy and achieve the things that are important to me. We all do. I have dreams and desires and goals. I have given my “best years” in the service of others in the hope and expectation that we were building something together that would include my needs and desires. Not all of our goals and dreams and desires seem to be compatible, and I don’t know where that leaves us.

I know that I love my family.Master has been my rock for a long time. He has been the single most influential person in my life. He is a huge part of who I am today. I like who I am, so that is a good thing. I know that I belong with these children. They are challenging, but they deserve to have people in their lives who will love them unconditionally and help them become good and productive men. We are together by choice, and they need me. For all the pain they’ve caused me, I know we need each other. I know that K brings her own unique contributions to our family. We fell in love with her hard and fast, and we all jumped off a cliff together. We don’t know what things will look like when the dist settles, but we chose her and she chose us.

It’s time for me to start finding a way to give to my family and be where I am while still moving forward on the things that I want and need. We are in a period of change. K’s coming stirred a lot of things up. For all that it is painful, it is also an opportunity. Maybe that means giving a little less and putting my foot down on some things. Maybe that means asking for more help. Maybe it doesn’t mean any of those things. I don’t have the answers.

I read somewhere (in some self help book) that women make a shift in their later 20s from giving away themselves to standing up for their own needs. Developmentally I’m right on track. My grandparents turned this corner together in their own relationship, I know there is a way to do it myself.

I’m going back to my cave for now. I’m around and I will probably have some more to say here and there. If you want to do something, keep me in your thoughts or your prayers. Try to refrain from judging me. If you have experience making this transition, by all means share. Just know that I’m sort of a shitty friend and correspondent right now because I’m a bit… distracted. It doesn’t mean I don’t value your wisdom.

I’m here. I’m hanging in there. I have no idea beyond that.

I lost the dog battle. Master and K didn’t want to keep Sadie because she is too high energy. I could have continued to fight it, but why? I can’t do it by myself, not with a dog that energetic and three children. Why rage against it if I can’t fix it by myself? I can’t help but feel anger and resentment about this. I feel I bought into yet another thing for all of us that didn’t pan out because not everyone was committed at the same level as me. The kids are also very upset. That doesn’t help my guilt level.

The other dog gets to stay – for now. If he can overcome his issues his personality is more in line with what the rest of the family expected. That is to say, he doesn’t need much exercise to stay sane and happy. I hope he continues to make progress with his other set of problems, because he is absolutely a sweetheart. I am a little consoled that he is still with us, but mostly I’m just sad. I fear losing him too.

Today is K’s birthday. I’ve tried a number of things leading up to today to try and make it special, but K and Master can’t get on the same page. She’s been depressed for weeks now about this, and just when I finally thought things were working out, another wrench got thrown. They seem to have this pattern of building up expectations with each other and stressing out about things and then…exploding. Nothing I do helps. It seems mostly that whatever I do doesn’t matter much if K and Master aren’t right. We try to say we have individual relationships, but it’s hard to completely separate them. I just want her to be happy. I want us to do something special for her and for her to know she is loved. Why is that so complicated? I’m trying to chill out for my own sanity, and because I genuinely want to do something nice and fun. I hope we are able to make that happen for her.

I am trying to find the balance between serving Master, being a good wife to K, and a parent to the children. Lately it seems I don’t have much energy. I have to find a way to get back on track and focus on the right things without depending on my partners to validate me. I’m going to start focusing on keeping a peaceful household as much as possible.

A few things, in no particular order: Find something productive to do every day so I don’t feel so useless. Focus on empathy with the children. Don’t get caught up in arguing and being right with anyone. Add scent to the house. Exercise. Try new recipes. Knit something (and finish it). Regular sleep cycles. Initiate more overt D/s behaviors with Master. Get focused on a slave mentality instead of a mother mentality. Any other suggestions?

Things I’m really enjoying lately: having K with us. It was empty with just the two of us. I feel we are complete again. Our sleep schedule. I get to sleep with both K and Master on a regular basis and it makes me really happy. It used to be very rare for me to end up in Master’s bed, and now I have two spouses to sleep with. It’s great! I’ve gotten to spend more one on one time with the older boys this summer than I have in a long time. They are much more interesting and neat separately. Together they can still be very overwhelming. It has given me some faith that they are actually heading on a good path. I’ve learned how to care for my hair in a way that actually makes me happy. Master and I went for a walk last week. It was nice to have some quiet time to connect with him. Finances are improving. We are starting to work out the budgeting mishaps that adding a 3rd person has highlighted.

I think I also need to focus on keeping my mouth shut more. I over communicate, that’s what Master says. I don’t have to get my opinion in about everything. I need to just go with the flow and enjoy things as much as possible. Things are overwhelming. I am a little depressed. I think I can come out of it, though. I just need to shift my focus. Our family is worth it, I think.

If you’ve followed my various posts about animals I’ve loved and lost, you may know that recently I’ve had a bad run with animals. This is hard for me because I was raised with animals. I believe they should be a serious commitment and responsibility and it makes me sick to see so many people throwing away animals just because there is one small issue or another, or they got tired of taking care of them. I never thought I would be that person. Still, the list below will make it clear that in many ways I have become that person I never wanted to be. I’ll post their picture here, and you can read the extremely long saga behind the cut if you want to hear the tale.

For the bad stuff, our cat of many years passed away right around the time that our family was splitting apart. I don’t blame myself for this, he was old. He had a loving home for many years and I think he had a happy life. Still, it was sad.

Next came our two guinea pigs. I loved them and thought I could give them a good home, but I was wrong. First, one died suddenly. Then, as it turns out, our youngest son is deathly allergic to guinea pigs and actually ended up in the hospital twice before we found another home for the remaining little guy.

Then there was Basil. The feisty orange kitty with a penchant for escaping and making Master climb up ladders. I loved his personality and thought he was a great addition to our family, but the neighbors didn’t agree. As a cat used to being outdoors there was no containing him. If you tried to keep him in he would only go about destroying the house to demonstrate his anger until he could finally bolt through the door when your guard was down. After bailing him out of cat jail a number of times, we finally found a home for him in the country where he can roam free and hunt mice. His new family says he is a special friend. I still miss him.

Finally, little Earl Grey. I don’t think his picture ever made it onto this blog. We took him in for a friend who was unable to find a home for him. We were never sure it would work with him because we didn’t know if Basil would accept him, but we wanted to give him a fighting chance. He and Basil worked things out, but he just couldn’t cope with life in our active household. The poor cat would pee all over Master and the kids beds every chance he got. When we didn’t have kids he was fine, but when we did, destruction. I would have been willing to manage his behavior forever, but the family wasn’t up for that, and anyway he was miserable and stressed out. He now lives with a single man. I’m sure he is much happier.

Every single time we’ve had to give up one of these animals I have beaten myself up over it. I have loved all of them and felt like a failure when they didn’t work in our home. I’ve wondered if there was more we should have done – more I should have done. I felt like a failure as a pet owner. Maybe I’m just not cut out to have animals. I told myself I would not be getting any more pets until I was sure we were in the right place for one.

Fast forward to a couple of months ago. K had a dog back home in her home country, but since she is moving in with us she decided it would be best for us and the dog for him to stay with the family who has cared for him this past year. Naturally she was sad about that, but felt she could move on if we agreed to get a dog very soon. Having grown up with dogs, I was excited about this prospect, and Master agreed.

Looking back on it I can see there were some disconnects that I didn’t take seriously enough. Master wanted a dog but not the same kind of dog as K and I. We were more interested in large, less active dogs while Master primarily wanted a smaller, more active dog. K figured we could find one that everyone liked, and was ok with the idea of having a more active animal if Master was willing to help with the work. He assured us he was.

This post is already going to be a novel, so I won’t go into all the details, but I will say that after visiting a couple of local shelters we ended up with two dogs. One dog was Master’s dog – the one he fell in love with in the shelter. We named him Jubal. The other dog picked our family herself. She wanted to meet us, and we all liked her. She had the look Master enjoys and a sweet personality that we all appreciated. Her name is Sadie.

For a week, everyone was in love with the dogs. K wanted to walk Sadie and thought Jubal was the sweetest little guy she ever did cuddle with. She said Sadie was beautiful because she was wild looking. I thought it was great and didn’t mind the early mornings. It seemed like everything might just work out.

I guess life is never that simple. First, it became apparent in rather short order that Master’s idea of what kind of work the dogs needed and our idea didn’t match up. He didn’t realize that it would mean early mornings for him, or that coming from a shelter they would need “extra” training. Then, it became clear that Jubal had more issues than simply learning to poo outside. Jubal is afraid of small children. Guess what we have? A toddler. He would really have liked to eat the little guy if he could. Sadie on the other hand has been nothing but loving to our children, but is neurotic, high energy, and within a week of being home had some medical issues.

Given that Master didn’t want to have to get up early, and K was still away at school, I was almost totally on my own with the kids and dogs for the first month. During this time I was extremely stressed out, and questioned if we should keep either of the dogs, but especially Jubal. I wondered if we had made a terrible mistake. We talked it over together, and I was really leaning toward returning Jubal because of the aggression toward our son. I wondered if the heartache was worth it if they could never work it out. Master was on the fence, and K appealed to my deepest feelings on the issue. She said we have a responsibility to him and was one week of trying with the kiddo really the best we could offer him? Combined with the opinion of a professional trainer, we decided to keep Jubal and work with him, as long as we could keep the kiddo safe.

So, I bought in. We went to dog training. I walked them in the morning and at night. I fed them. I cleaned up accidents. I gave Sadie pills. On the weekends K helped too. Master helped, but mostly he became frustrated. The dogs had a lot of energy and I couldn’t always give them the exercise they needed by myself. Their hair was on the furniture. They wanted attention, in his face. I told him I was prepared to work with him, but in his frustration he didn’t see it. It was frustrating that he wasn’t on board because we got these specific dogs for him.

Really, it comes down to miscommunication. We thought Master understood what having dogs like this would mean, but he didn’t. We made assumptions. K and I both were frustrated that Master wasn’t buying in, and we talked to each other about it. We also talked to him about it. After still more talking about the issue he agreed to work on his relationship with the dogs and to try to overcome his frustration. He says he wants to keep them,and I see him engaging in the training and playing with them. They seem to be growing on him. I finally felt that we were getting somewhere.

Imagine my surprise when K announced right before she came to live with us that she had changed her mind about the dogs. I think she had been absorbing Master’s frustration, and also came to realize that she was going to have to deal with it and with them herself. The dogs themselves didn’t really help to sell themselves to her. She is currently staying home and had to “deal with” the dogs all day. In her first week with us Jubal really was difficult. He pooped on the floor countless times. They were difficult on walks. They still are having issues with barking in the back yard . They were just, a pain.

Currently she says she is neutral on them. She says that isn’t awesome because she has to do chores for them even though she doesn’t care for them. Sadie in her mind has gone from cute and wild looking to ugly and long faced. Jubal has transformed from a sweet cuddler to a pain in the ass who barks and poops on the floor (although he hasn’t done that in a couple of weeks now). They had a skirmish near her and hurt her leg. I can’t tell how much of what she is perceiving is a difference in behavior on their part and how much of it is her perception. To what degree has she hardened her heart against them? I don’t know. I’m sad because I’ve grown so close to them, and I’ve seen such good from them already. I feel like they have so much to offer me and our family, and I fear that K won’t let them in.

Despite the issues, I absolutely am in love with these animals. First, rescuing animals who really need me feels good. Second, the unconditional love is healing in so many ways. Maybe that’s why I am more of a dog person than a cat person – I have a deep need to feel loved and to give love. Jubal especially is a rescue in the true sense of the word – he was relinquished as a puppy because his owner “couldn’t afford him” and he clearly was hurt before that. The degree to which I have bonded with him is hard to describe. I feel like he’s given us his heart. We need to take special care of it.

Although it is scary, watching our little boy come to terms with a dog who wants to hurt him and learn boundaries has been a positive thing. I imagine it will only continue to be good for him. I’ve seen him display empathy: “Jubal is afraid of me because other kids hurt him” and kindness: “I want to feed him and pet him and show him I am his friend” I’ve also seen him get whacked with a muzzle when he gets too close or too moves too fast. Both of them will have to learn self control together.

Also, Jubal has made amazing progress in the two months he has been with us. He has gone from a dog who was terrified of our son and wanted to attack him to a dog who largely ignores our son, responds to being fed and petted and treated by him, and can be in the same room with the kiddo calmly. I am no longer afraid for our son’s safety on a daily basis. I don’t know when he will be around the bend, but it makes my heart glad to see the process. I think they can do this.

Sadie has been absolutely amazing since coming into our home. Whereas the little guy is working out how to live with Jubal, he and Sadie are close friends. He tells us she is his dog. They play, she follows him around, and she protects him. When Jubal becomes agitated she steps in. I’ve seen her get in Jubal’s face and chase him away. I’ve seen her put herself between my kids and the other dog. She is helping to teach him how to be with animals with the patience of a saint. Sadie has also bonded with one of the twins. The boy with anger issues who I once worried would turn out to antisocial and dangerous has a true friend he’s connected with. The boy who is bullied at school and called a fag now has someone to go out with. When he doesn’t know what else to do, he eagerly takes her for a walk. He clearly enjoys her. I’m so glad. It touches my heart to see them together. If anyone needed a friend who would love him without expectations it is this kid.

Master has even gotten into working with the dogs. He taught Sadie to heel. He bought fanny packs (oh the embarrassment!) for the purpose of carrying treats for the dogs. He showed real pride when he demonstrated Sadie’s new trick. She likes to lay at his feet in the living room, and she clearly adores him even when he acts like he doesn’t care.

Every morning when I get up, and every afternoon when I get home, both dogs greet me happily. They lick me and jump up and show me they are happy to see me. Last night Sadie came into the bedroom with a bang. The door hit the wall, and I actually thought it was Master. Instead, Sadie came around the corner and stopped at the foot of my bed. She wiggled her butt and said hi. It was one of the cutest things I’ve ever seen. Today when I got home from work Jubal came and sat at my feet and put his head in my lap. We had a quiet moment while I talked with my wife. It made me feel so at peace.

I love these dogs. I can’t help it. I am torn because it seems I am the only adult who feels this way. My wife doesn’t like them and would rather see them gone. I just don’t know what the answers are anymore. I don’t want to give up on yet another animal. I want to make the right decision for the whole family. I don’t want my own self desires to affect others, and that includes the dogs and the people.

I have to go now, my dog needs a walk.

That’s a theme for me. CC often wanted to delay our relationship until things were “right” and I sort of pushed my way into the family little by little by becoming more and more involved in the running of things. I wouldn’t say I forced it, everyone wanted it, but I can say that CC always took some time to “come around” to things. I understood this, but I would be lying if I didn’t admit it hurt me sometimes. I felt like I gave everything to our family and constantly had to worried that it wasn’t welcome or understood. She told me she wanted a sister and someone to serve Master with, but when it came down to it it seemed she didn’t want to give up her identity as his “only” slave.

Over time things got really great. We loved each other (and told each other so) and we had a nice routine down. I think we could probably have continued happily for a long time if certain other events hadn’t gotten in the way all at the same time. That said, When she left, one of the things that CC realized is that she isn’t fully happy in a poly living situation. She had bought into a vision she couldn’t sustain. We didn’t know how to continue being close with each other while she and Master were divorcing. We haven’t totally figured that out, although I probably will always consider her to be my “sister” and I hope we will stay close as mutual friends and parents.

My current relationship is really different. First, it’s a little weird to find myself in the same position that CC used to occupy. Master and I have been together for seven years and been raising children and making a life together for a long time. I can’t help but enjoy the fact that I have a certain amount of primacy as a result of that. Not just as a “primary partner” but because we have a shared history and vision. Yet, our relationship has never been just the two of us. It was always based on CC’s presence and we really had to redefine our entire vision for ourselves and our family.

Two years later a new woman came into our lives. I’ve written about her, you all know her as K. It’s been very interesting to watch with a little detachment because both Master and I were immediately smitten. This is not a relationship that has moved carefully forward despite us slamming on the breaks. Instead, Master and I made a conscious decision to let her in – to let things work as long as they are working. It was only a matter of weeks before we were starting to think about long term possibilities.

K has integrated into our family in ways that I couldn’t have imagined at a similar stage in my relationship with Master. She stayed with us for a month over Christmas, and she is will be living with us beginning in May. Sometimes I wonder if we are in fact moving too fast. It’s certainly been a whirlwind, and I would be lying if I said everything has always been perfect. Things don’t plod along slowly between us like they did with CC, they are volatile and occasionally dramatic and so far there have been no issues that couldn’t be worked through. I don’t know which is better – having very little external drama for years only to have things break down when the drama does arrive, or having little dramas along the way.

There are things I thought I would get to have that I am having to sacrifice now. There are things I sacrificed to be with Master and CC in the first place. None of this is exactly how we thought our lives would go, but so far the shared vision is worth it. I can’t pretend it is all easy. It’s hard to let go of things you really want. The thing is, we love each other. We want to be together and we want to see what we can make of this crazy life with each other. That leaves me both happy, scared, and emotional. I’ve never been on this sort of ride before.

This weekend K and I celebrated Valentine’s day belatedly. Master doesn’t do the hallmark holiday thing, but I figured nobody could do cliche romance like two women. We went out for a romantic dinner together and drank a bottle of wine (because he loves us Master agreed to pick us up after!). We exchanged gifts. My gift to her was a simple bracelet with a trinity symbol on it. I wanted it to represent her place in this family and the fact that she is intertwined with us. We are no longer separate entities. I wanted her to know that she completes us. K’s gift to me was a jaw dropper. She kept telling me she had to drink more before she was ready to give it to me. When she finally did pull it out I saw a teddy bear with a ring on it’s foot. This wasn’t just any ring, though. This was her grandmother’s wedding ring. Amazingly, the ring has Master’s birthstone on it. When I wear it there are elements of all of us. This isn’t just coincidence in my opinion. I am still blown away as I sit here and think about it.

So here we are. All of us. Moving forward together. I don’t know what the future holds, and I’m still grieving the things I’ve lost. I’m wounded. Yet, I am embracing the things that are coming with open arms. Nobody knows the future, but right now things are exactly as they should be.

How may times have I gotten in trouble for it now? I’ve lost count. Yet, here I am this morning having been informed by Master that the bathroom is out of TP. Yeah. No matter that I have a clear memory of replacing it on Friday, there’s none today. Period. He says the punishment isn’t the point, but he’s not the one whose last punishment for said issue was so traumatizing … it doesn’t even matter. It just makes me really sad that I can’t figure this out, and it’s beginning to look that it’s not going to change.

I want to change for him. I understand why it’s important to him now. But I can’t do it. I fail every fucking time. over something so simple. So. Simple. *sigh*

It’s a good thing Master has K in his life now. She’s already proven more capable than me.

I’m really sad today because I feel like I have really failed you recently. I hope in the near future I can prove to you that I can engage and provide you the kind of service you deserve, but I can understand why you might be questioning that.

K told me today that you are out of socks, and that another load of laundry has been discovered with ink on it. I just want you to know I’m really sorry. I don’t really even have any words for the situation – every time things fall behind you run out of things, and when I try to rush and catch up things slip through the cracks like with the ink on the laundry.

This is all my fault, and I’m really sorry. I imagine you will punish me if you feel it will help, but regardless I want you to know that I want to make this situation right and I’m working on it. I want to please you, and I’m trying to adjust my habits so that things like this will happen less and less. It shouldn’t ever happen, you deserve better than that.

love,

bridget

Laundry -Last night I made my own laundry soap using one bar of shredded ivory soap, one cup of borax and one cup of washing soda.  It’s appropriate for front loading HE washers because it is low sudsing, and it is dirt cheap. I have yet to determine if I approve of the job it does on clothes, but I love that it’s all natural and that the ingredients can be used for other things in our home.

Dishes – I intend to use the borax and washing soda in our dishwasher too. Apparently equal parts borax and washing soda work well in the dishwasher and straight vinegar is an excellent rinse aid.  For dish soap itself I’ve been using what’s left of our Dr. Bronner’s supplies  and I want to switch to using it more broadly once we use up our current supply of dish soap.  You can dilute the heck out of it and it cuts grease wonderfully without all the harsh detergent ingredients.

Windows – Vinegar and water work wonderfully as a glass cleaner. I am still experimenting with this, but I’ve read that adding cornstarch to the mix also helps a lot. Does anybody know if this is true, or have tips and suggestions for making it more effective?

Bathrooms – K showed me that baking soda and salt work really well to clean the bathtub and I imagine anywhere else where you need an abrasive scrubbing agent.  That probably would never have occurred to me though! Go K! I also know you can use straight vinegar in the tub and in the toilet as it is a natural disinfecting agent.

Floors - Once again, vinegar can be used either diluted or straight to clean vinyl floors. I also tend to turn to clear ammonia diluted in water when mopping, although ammonia scares me a little bit more. It may be natural, but it’s still a poison. I suspect Dr. Bronner’s would probably do a decent job in a pinch, too.   Also, K recently taught me about the stain fighting power of vinegar when we spilled red wine on our light carpet. A little bit of white vinegar poured directly onto the spot and it just disappeared as if by magic!  I’m going to try it on a few of our other stains and see if it helps at all.

I still need a good all purpose cleaner, preferably one I can mix in relatively small quantities and spray. Does anyone have a favorite recipe? These changes are really making me feel good about the sorts of things we have in our home and they are definitely good for the budget. I welcome any thoughts or tips because this is still largely new to me.