I will be out of town this weekend at the Shadowlane party. I am sure to come back with many stories to tell, though, so keep posted.
I hope the party lifts my spirits, I made the mistake of reading old posts on CC’s blog yesterday and it made me really sad.
Booo depression!
Catch everyone soon!
Wow. I sure am exhausted today! We (Master, our three kids and myself) all packed up and went off to Durango, CO for a weekend full of ridiculously long late night driving, train riding, Mesa Verde visiting and a little bit of camping mixed in there too.
The drive to Durango is about 6 hours before you add in stops for food, bathroom breaks, a detour to Master’s brother’s to get camping supplies, etc. We did not get out of town on Friday night until around 6:30. We planned to eat dinner in one of the small towns along the way, but did not factor in the fact that everything in that part of the world is closed by 8:00 p.m. We were 15 minutes too late. Damn it! We ended up buying sandwich stuff from a local supermarket, and got into Durango around 2:00 in the morning.
On the way down Master got pulled over for going 7 miles over the speed limit. The cop was clearly looking for drunks, and our tired little family didn’t fit the profile I guess. The cop chose humiliation over citations, though, and told Master, “Give me two reasons why it is a bad idea to speed besides it being illegal and I will let you go with a warning.” Yes, I am still giggling about this today. I told him I would blog it, so there you go. Of course, two nights later on the return trip I was pulled over myself for having a burned out headlight. We both got off with warnings. Whew!
I have to say, if you ever make it down to Durango I highly recommend taking the train to Silverton. I was not too enthusiastic about the idea, or the price, but I thought the kids would enjoy it and it’s one of those things you are “supposed” to experience down in that part of the country. So, I went with it.
I was even less enthused the next morning at 7:00 am after having not gotten to bed until after 2:00. The train leaves at 8:15 in the morning. Ouch! But I have to say, it was totally awesome! It was beautiful, and peaceful, and the kids had a blast. And, I ended up with a pretty travel mug from the train, so I have no complaints.
One word of caution though. If you do take this trip, make sure you wear clothes you don’t mind getting dirty. Master wore white and came to regret it. This is a steam engine and it uses up a LOT of coal which turns itself into soot that gets all over the train and the passengers. We were all dirty and disgusting afterward. Ah the good ole days! Oh, and avoid the Shady Lady restaurant. Really.
After the train ride we met up with some friends from the Internets and had a nice time camping. We cooked hot dogs and sausages respectively and roasted a few marshmallows. The little guy didn’t want his marshmallows roasted, but he did insist on eating them off of the skewers. I also drank just enough wine to feel nice and relaxed and I enjoyed sitting and watching the fire die with my friends. I am so glad they came and joined us! Our family loves to camp and make trips like this, but they are always more fun when others join in!
The next morning was more excitement as we got a relatively early start. My morning improved significantly when we stopped at the gas station on the way to Mesa Verde and discovered there was coffee to be had. The Mesa Verde trip itself was fascinating, if hot. I definitely think the next time we go there we will plan to be there earlier – perhaps camp within the park itself. Then we can take a siesta in the middle of the day instead of tramping around on the cliffs in the blazing sun.
I’d never been before, and once again I thought it was great! Seriously all you readers of mine, come to Colorado and check this out. I think the baby’s (who my friend observed is no longer much of a baby) favorite part was climbing up and down the ladders, and going inside the Kiva.
After this it was another long drive, but we got out at a more decent hour. We ended up at home at 12:30, and got up today in time for work and school. We are all exhausted!
I have some more “deep” D/s things to write about, but this is what has been occupying my time. In the next couple of days when we’ve managed to unpack and recover from the clutter I will post a follow up to the laundry dilemmas. Thanks for all your advice there, by the way!
Ok guys. Any domestic goddesses out there need to help figure out laundry. I know it’s a simple thing, but I can’t seem to get a handle on it and it pisses Master off. I don’t really like feeling incompetent, and I don’t like feeling his anger and frustration, so help would be good. This is the one thing we have argued about the entire time I’ve been with Master. I’ve never gotten it right to his liking.
I do the bulk of my laundry on the weekends. Anything that is piled up to be done I gather up and I wash. However stuff does accumulate throughout the week as well. I try to plan laundry every day, to at least do a load and switch it, but it seems never to happen that way. For instance this week on Monday morning I did a load and switched it and started another load, but didn’t get it finished Monday evening. Then Tuesday was busy and we didn’t even get home until after 9:00 pm.
I did switch the laundry at that point, but that was all because I was exhausted and wanted to go veg out and go to bed. Last night was more of the same. We didn’t get home until after 8:30 at which point I cooked Master dinner, took some cough medicine (hydrocodone is serious stuff!) and went to bed. Master says I sat on my computer when I could have been doing laundry. I guess that’s true, although I wasn’t really thinking of it that way since I was drugged on cough syrup. Anyway…
This morning Master told me he is unhappy that all I have achieved with laundry is switching his clothes around. He said he’s been out of black socks all week and I should have taken care of that and basically have all the laundry done by today, I guess. I don’t really feel like I wasted the week, but he seems to feel otherwise.
I’m just at a loss. I feel exhausted most of the time, and I like to relax as much as the next person especially if we don’t have kids. I try to keep some balance in there too. Essentially this week has been an every other day thing – Sunday (and Monday morning), Tuesday, Thursday (as I will be completing a load this evening).
We have five people in our home. I am the only one that manages clothing. I don’t mind, but I don’t know how to keep Master happy either. Is there a simpler way to manage this that I am missing? Maybe this is just a vent. Maybe I need to give up my “sitting down” time like Master says and do more laundry. He says I shouldn’t say I don’t have time to do something if I use any time for myself.
I just don’t know. I have plenty of clean clothes though, and so does he (socks not withstanding), so I guess I’m having a hard time seeing where the frustration is coming from.
Help, Suggestions, Comments, Whatever. Go for it.
That is how our morning started today. You see, my alarm goes off at 5:30, but I usually don’t get out of bed right away. I like the snooze button. I even set the alarm it a little bit early so I can hit it. This morning however I hit it and hit it, and finally woke up enough to realize it was going off at exactly 6:20.
I guess Master was tired too, because his response to this declaration was, “mph” and then he rolled over. By 6:20 I am running late. This is because I have to put on “professional” clothes every day and do hair and make up. The receptionists life is so glamarous! I leave the house by 7:00 am. So what I needed to do was jump out of bed and get moving. But, I had a problem. I was chained to the bed. That’s actually the reason I informed Master about the time. He doesn’t have to get up (since he doesn’t work until 9:00) but he does have to unchain me.
I’ve never paid much attention to where he keeps his key, but apparently it lives on top of his alarm clock. I learned this because when I said, “Sir please unchain me…” he said, “Oh.. HOW DID MY ALARM CLOCK GET KNOCKED OVER?” I don’t know Sir. “Hold on” Well, ok. Not like I’m going anywhere.
Master proceeded to roll over and search around on his night stand. He swore. I got nervous. Next he left the room entirely and came back with a flash light. He shone the flashlight down along the side of the bed, behind the night stand. He swore again, and left again.
At this point I started thinking of excuses to tell my boss about why I was late. But, just then Master came in with a key. Apparently we have a spare. Smart man! I have no idea what happened to the other key, but I hope he finds it.
I still haven’t come up with that excuse!
Just a few pics of my newest toys! I am so in love with the bicycle it is unbelieveable. So awesome! My party is tonight. I hope it will be fun!! See you all later.
My bike!
Me on my bike!
My Planner - sorry these pics aren’t that great they were taken with my phone.
Well, I’ve been intending to write for a while now because, well, I like to write. But, I’ve been so incredibly busy! By the time I have time to write at night usually I am exhausted and can’t bring myself to do it. But. This last weekend was my birthday, and all sorts of wonderful things happened in addition.
First, for my birthday, Master bought me a new cruiser bicycle! I am so excited because I really want to get back to riding, both with my family and on my own excursions, but my old bike (which I haven’t used since like, Jr. High or High School) turned out to be pretty uncomfortable for me. I don’t like the bent over mountain bike position – maybe this is why I never rode much before. Anyway, Master made all my dreams come true with a 7 gear cruiser. Upright position, big grandma seat, AND gears. Right on.
It isn’t here yet, but you better believe I can’t wait to get on it. And I also get a basket! How cool is that? Yeah!
Second, some of you may remember my post from a while back about my planner. It was long and nerdy and this is going to be a small repeat of that. You see, I’ve been having issues. My planner broke, and also I haven’t been using it as much as I should even before that. Why? Well, a few reasons, but mostly it comes down to space and convenience.
Now that I have a new job my planner has been too small to really write everything down in. This means things get left off my task lists and I don’t write notes because I know it will take up too much space. The other issue is that my planner doubles as my wallet. I keep everything there so I won’t lose it. That’s great, but over time it has become a pain in the butt to constantly haul around my planner and bring it in and out of my purse to pay for things, etc. So, when my planner broke I decided I would upgrade to a larger size planner and plan not to have it be my wallet, though I really like that feature.
As it turns out, I found the perfect solution! At the planner store there was this wonderful little bag, with all the features that I love from the wallet feature of my last binder. Except those features were part of the bag. Then in the middle is the place where the removable binder goes. It fits pefectly because it’s designed to hold the planner. It is also big enough to hold my lap top (but probably not both my laptop and my planner). So I can always carry my things with me and keep them organized, and bring my new larger sized planner to work with me, but I don’t have to deal with the cumbersome in and out experience that I had with my last setup. YAY!
Oh, and it isn’t broken. Which means I can get back to organizing my life and trying to keep up with the daily craziness that is part of it.
What else? I went to an age play party last weekend and it was a lot of fun! I tried some new things, and got to let loose and play musical chairs and duck duck goose. So much fun! I hope K and I can hang out by ourselves soon and do something more low key.
This coming weekend is my birthday party. We are having friends over for board games and fondue. A lot more said yes than I was expecting, although some of the folks I was hoping to see won’t be there. That’s a bummer! We will see how it goes. I’ve never really organized anything like this for myself, but I think it will be fun. Part of the moving on thing. I just hope my friends doesn’t expect a snag free experience.
Kids start school on Monday, though we don’t have them so I won’t hear how it’s going till the end of the first week. That is sad for me! I didn’t get my way with that battle either. The result? They will go to school by CC but use public transit (including a transfer) to get between our two locations and school. We will see how that goes. I know they can figure it out if they choose to… but I also know them. So. Hmmm.
That’s all the craziness I have time for now. I need to go add some more check marks to my planner…
So, I spent most of last night crying after I heard the direction it looks like this is heading in. Kids on the weekends? School down south with few options for involvement? I am seriously depressed. I think Master is too though he has to speak for himself.
You don’t seem to want me to to know your thoughts CC, which is too bad because I really wanted us to stay connected and I’ve tried very hard, but if you don’t you don’t. Still, I have some things to say to both of you. You probably won’t like them but I doubt you will be surprised.
We need to grow up. This is about the kids not us. We have spent the last year in a selfish and childish “battle” for our own happiness and our own well being and everyone fighting for their own needs. It needs to stop.
We’ve already made choices for ourselves. CC, you chose to walk away and stop trying due to your level of frustration and feeling of lack of passion. You wanted something different in your love life. Master, you continually chose jealousy, anger, and a desire for the past over fixing things in the moment. You ultimately came around and wanted to change for her, but it was too late. You both made this split happen, although a little patience would have gone a long way on both sides. It still would.
So, you guys chose happiness and sanity inter personally. You chose to separate further by moving away and taking jobs far apart. Everyone chose. And now we have a mess and everyone is unhappy because they can’t be parents the way they want.
You told me as this was happening that divorce doesn’t ruin kids. You’re right, it doesn’t. Kids are really resilient. I think what it ruins is parents. Half time parenting is no way to parent (though weekend parenting is certainly that much worse). CC you’re experiencing this right now I know.
When you’re by yourself there is less time to go around. I have felt it from the day you packed the kids up and took them to Jessie’s and we were stuck with a cold empty house. I suppose you felt it in reverse. Now we never know what is happening at your house and vice verse. We never are fully on the same page and we are all fighting for a little normalcy with these kids and a little more time.
Well, we can’t have our cake and eat it too. It doesn’t work that way. There is a reason the experts say that parenting is a problem even in amicable divorces.
CC, so you want them to go to school down there because you dislike your long hours and the amount of time you get to see them. I don’t believe for a minute you would get more time with them this way. Your work schedule and our lack of proximity is the problem. Fix that. Don’t blame someone else, or the economy. Don’t tell me you have to pay Jessie’s mortgage when you walked away from your own.
Guess what? We signed up for this. Having chosen to “fix” our personal problems we have also chosen to harm our parenting and our options with the kids. I get that everyone is unhappy with it, but that’s the way it is. If you want to stay in your separate corners with your separate lives then this is the way it is. So work to make it the best you can, or sacrifice in another area.
Something has to give. Personally I’d give the job, where I live, how my life looks (e.g. poly or not) etc over making things harder with the kids, but I realize I am the only one. Since you aren’t willing to give those things, what are you willing to give? You’re going to have to figure it out. Time seems to be the currency now.
That’s what I thought having kids was about, sacrifice. I’ve certainly sacrificed a lot to be a parent in this family. Even though I am the one who now gets to fill in the gaps between two people who can’t function together. But I don’t see much sacrifice from you two.
Please get on board. I can’t bear to see the kids go, and I don’t think either of you should either.
So, I promised to update everyone on my punishment. To be honest I don’t have very much to say about it. I still can’t say I feel strongly about toilet paper. I still think it is relatively stupid. But, that’s not really the point. I had a lot of fear that my negative feelings about the topic would prevent Master from actually doing what he wanted and/or trying to bring discipline back into our relationship.
So, I didn’t have much to say beyond what I already said. He did punish me. There really isn’t anything earth shattering. I got a spanking over his knee and it was quite hard but fairly brief. I think all told it lasted about 5 minutes from talk to snuggle. Then he told me to sleep in his bed and I went off up the stairs.
In our past there were two things that always went with being in trouble. One was that I was never allowed to have an orgasm for a day or so before/after the punishment and the other was no sex. I never really questioned that. However, this time he fucked me after and then that night I also had an orgasm. I found it to be a positive thing and I really liked connecting with him. It didn’t feel so cold.
Master says he thinks for more serious issues I probably will still be punished with a belt (this also used to be standard) and kept from sex and orgasms, but that he thinks one thing that has prevented him from taking advantage of our dynamic had been how “high” the ante is, so he’s lowered it. He intends to differentiate for himself between serious and minor infractions.
I think this is going to be a slow process. I suspect there will be plenty more times where I don’t like or agree with his take on things. He says he thinks whether I am a slave or a submissive wife probably will become more clear with time. I hate the confusion, but I’m glad we are getting back to a place where we can recognise each other. I am defintiely ready to let go again. It is comforting to know that my Master is back here with me.
I hope that Master will write about where he is, too. Maybe my 5 remaining readers can head over to his blog and encourage that. 
Now that that is over with, I have some other things to tell you about. I’m putting this behind the cut because it deals with age play and may make some folks uncomfortable. But, read on if you want to see me gushing about a new crush.
I want Master to re establish our dynamic and start using discipline again. it’s been an area of sadness for me for a long time.
Well, he’s decided to. I’m in trouble. What issue did he choose to bring focus and clarity back to our relationship? Toilet paper. Yes, really. He is ticked that he ran out. Why did he have to pick toilet paper? That’s the one item I thought was the stupidest thing I have ever been punished for.
And now it’s come back to haunt me. Seriously? I’m glad Master is wanting to bring us back to a good place. I appreciate it.
But come on. I don’t think I’ll ever have the right attitude on this issue.
I’ll let everyone (all 3 of you who still read) know how it goes. But damn it. Toilet paper. *grumble grumble*
I am seriously confused nowadays. I am not really sure what happened either, because I used to be so secure in my identity as a slave. I was sure it was what I wanted and that Master was the one for me.
Now, I don’t know. Things have been changing for a long time, but ever since he and CC started having issues we have totally lost our M/s dynamic. We’ve just been too focused on getting through every day to do much else. I miss our dynamic. I miss feeling secure and controlled. I miss knowing that if I step out of line he will punish me. I feel out of control now. I feel like I spend every day running things and managing things, and that’s not how it’s supposed to be. I want to give it back up.
The problem is, I feel like our relationship has evolved. It was “easy” to be a slave when I wasn’t also trying to be a life partner. Admittedly I always wanted that, but I didn’t expect it for the first couple of years. Over time things changed and I did start to expect that if I was going to give my life to Master and our family that I should get the benefit of being a partner.
Six years later I want us to move forward in our lives together. I want us to decide together about issues like me having babies, where we should live, who should live with us, if I should work, etc. The big picture stuff. I want a say in the direction of my life. I’m young, I’m in love, and I’m trying to find my way with the person I love. I don’t want to waste my best years waiting for someone else to define my vision for me. Those sentiments aren’t very slave like, are they?
But, I also want to be a slave. I want Master to captain the ship. I want to serve him and please him. I want to take care of things in his life so that coming home is a joy. I want to be his refuge. I don’t want to have to worry about where we are going or how we are going to get there. I love and trust Master and I know he can figure this stuff out. I find it stressful and overwhelming to hold onto my needs so tightly and to worry about them. I need to be controlled and to let it go. I know I do.
So, is it possible to be a partner and a slave? I honestly don’t know. A slave by definition doesn’t call the shots. Doesn’t make decisions. Doesn’t “get a say” in things. A partner does. What I want, I think, is to feel security. I want to know that Master will take care of us, and that he will do everything he can to make me happy. Yet, I am filled with fear. What happens when we want different things? Does a Master of a slave ever compromise? Should he?
Is it even possible to sustain a long term relationship where everything is black and white? Master says he thinks I just want to be a submissive wife rather than a slave. I don’t know what the heck I am anymore.
Does anyone have any more coherant thoughts on this? I want our life and our dyanmic back. I want to wrap my head around being Master’s slave and also getting my needs met. I want to shed the fear.
And the confusion.
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