Radio Silence

I’ve been silent a long time.  A whole year.  I’m not prepared to say I’m coming back, but I do feel like I should post something in 2012.  I want to put a period on the year.  At a recent MAsT meeting we discussed our year in review and talked about goals for the next year.  I said I don’t really have any goals for the next year, I’m usually too worried about the next hour or the next day.  Things are busy.  So, some highlights to follow:

Work and Family

Things continue to move right along with Master and K.  We are still married and still working things out.  It’s still a tough situation for me sometimes, but we all love each other and we are all committed to finding a way to make it work. As my last post a year ago implied,  I’m dealing a lot with the consequences of having gone directly from child to parent and slave.  I feel that I missed some essential and normal developmental pieces around having an independent identity, and I’m just not sure what to do about it. 

The big kids are way too big (taller than me now, by a LOT), but doing better than I’ve ever seen them.  They seem happy and love their new school. They still aren’t really performing in school, but they want to be there and want to succeed at something, and that is huge.  

The baby is now in first grade, so I guess that makes him not a baby… and that is sort of unacceptable.  This week he told me that I need to knock before entering his room and that I broke his space bubble with a surprise hug.  So, that is pretty much unacceptable too.  I need him to stay tiny forever and ever. 

We are dealing with some practical issues.  I changed jobs in May, which was best for my career path.  Unfortunately I rather hate my job, so I’m ready to start looking again.  Master lost his job, and although he is doing some contract work it will be a while before we see any income.   K is also working, although she is not happy with her part time hours.  I am hoping both of them will feel good about their job situations soon, I really dislike being the breadwinner. 

Other Stuff

This year has been a big year for me in a couple of other key ways.  It seems that I am now involved in a second D/s relationship. This is still evolving, so I don’t have all the details, but it sure is interesting! For years now (around 7) I’ve had a crush on another local Master (Scary Master Lady).  She is a friend of our family and a personal friend of mine.  She is one of the few other people I’ve ever been able to truly connect with about M/s because She and Master have similar views about the subject.  She has a slave of Her own, who I also have a special friendship with. And of course, She is also really intimidating and a heavy player.  I’ve been smitten for a long time, while at the same time assuming that nothing will ever happen between us.

However, that changed.  One day at Her house I had an embarrassing incident where I suddenly felt like I should not use Her furniture, and jumped out of a chair just as She was coming around the corner.  She picked up on this immediately and said, “You can use the furniture.”  This one moment led to a lot of conversation between the two of us, and Master.  He told me I can and should be deferential to Her.  Later He told me I should go further than deference – I should actively obey Her. 

This is an ongoing process.  We did a scene back in August.  She and Master negotiated the whole thing, my only job was to show up and be beaten. She said, “I’m not looking for you to go anywhere or experience anything, you just need to endure.”  It was intense. Since then Master let Her know that I am available for service, and She has taken Him up on that offer a few times.  I’ve done such sexy tasks as cleaning Her windows for five hours straight, doing legal filing and scrubbing Her carpet.

Although She initially was unsure She wanted to have expectations of someone else’s property, She has decided to establish some rules.  Right now She is working on putting together a set of protocols and standing orders for me.  This is going to be a challenge for me.  I’m set in my ways with Master and learning new things is hard.  She also operates pretty differently from Him, so I am not really sure what to expect or how that will go.

I honestly have no idea where this is all going.  The only thing I really know is that She is the only person other than Master to ever inspire these sorts of deep submissive feelings in me.  The infatuation is strong and ongoing.  My family is sick of hearing about Her.  And of course, it feels great that Master is ok with this and encouraging.  It’s taking up a lot of my spare time and brain power, but it’s been a real light in my life lately. 

So, this is where I am right now.  My circumstances are ever changing, and I’m juggling a few balls.  I’m up and down, and I don’t know what 2013 has to offer me, but I’m excited to find out. 

Being Me

I’ve been in a bit of a cave recently. For a while now I’ve felt like I wanted to write something, but I haven’t really had the words. It can take me a long time to get the words, but once I do I tend to ramble on. I suppose this will be one of those. I’m sorry about that…

I’m going through some huge transitions right now. I’m trying to remain calm and focused, and I’ve mostly refrained from using this blog as a place to vent and work through things. My focus has been very internal. Master and I jumped off a cliff when we married K. We made decisions quickly and are now going through all of the adjustments you might expect – growing pains if you will.

For those of you who are wondering, yes it has been difficult for me. I don’t adjust to change easily. I like things to be stable and I like security. Having to let go of every single thing I thought was happening in my life to make room for something new isn’t an easy process. It may be rewarding, but it takes a lot of effort to get to that point.

Here is what I know:

I am a strong and capable person. I have faced many emotional challenges and come through them. I jumped into adulthood with little to no preamble. I went from being a pretty pampered kid (an only child from a middle class family) to a step parent of two (and later three) challenging children in what now feels like the blink of an eye. I entered into a very complicated relationship structure without having any real experience with relationships, and have made it work to varying degrees for eight years now. That is longer than most marriages today. I have faced judgement, intervention and criticism from my parents and friends. I have worked to navigate the often confusing and conflicting experience of being a Christian and being a kinky, poly, submissive, deviant person. I have sacrificed the things that I want in this life to make room for the people I love. I have done this again and again for years. It’s part of making things work.

Sometimes I wonder -Those of you who judge me for sticking around when things seem less than ideal, what is your track record with relationships? On what basis do you assume I should be doing something else? My grandparents were together for 70 years. My own parents have been together just over 25 years. I’ve seen stability and commitment modeled in my life and I’ve made decisions to pursue that. No, I won’t just walk away from people I love because it is hard for others to understand.

Here is what else I know:

I deserve to be happy and achieve the things that are important to me. We all do. I have dreams and desires and goals. I have given my “best years” in the service of others in the hope and expectation that we were building something together that would include my needs and desires. Not all of our goals and dreams and desires seem to be compatible, and I don’t know where that leaves us.

I know that I love my family.Master has been my rock for a long time. He has been the single most influential person in my life. He is a huge part of who I am today. I like who I am, so that is a good thing. I know that I belong with these children. They are challenging, but they deserve to have people in their lives who will love them unconditionally and help them become good and productive men. We are together by choice, and they need me. For all the pain they’ve caused me, I know we need each other. I know that K brings her own unique contributions to our family. We fell in love with her hard and fast, and we all jumped off a cliff together. We don’t know what things will look like when the dist settles, but we chose her and she chose us.

It’s time for me to start finding a way to give to my family and be where I am while still moving forward on the things that I want and need. We are in a period of change. K’s coming stirred a lot of things up. For all that it is painful, it is also an opportunity. Maybe that means giving a little less and putting my foot down on some things. Maybe that means asking for more help. Maybe it doesn’t mean any of those things. I don’t have the answers.

I read somewhere (in some self help book) that women make a shift in their later 20s from giving away themselves to standing up for their own needs. Developmentally I’m right on track. My grandparents turned this corner together in their own relationship, I know there is a way to do it myself.

I’m going back to my cave for now. I’m around and I will probably have some more to say here and there. If you want to do something, keep me in your thoughts or your prayers. Try to refrain from judging me. If you have experience making this transition, by all means share. Just know that I’m sort of a shitty friend and correspondent right now because I’m a bit… distracted. It doesn’t mean I don’t value your wisdom.

I’m here. I’m hanging in there. I have no idea beyond that.

Dr Who Scarf

My lovely wife took this photo. I couldn’t wait to show everyone! This is a variation on how I will probably wear it for Halloween. I am going as the scarf.

Image

On Being Down

Lately I can’t figure out which way is up and which way is down. Just a little depressed I guess.

I lost the dog battle. Master and K didn’t want to keep Sadie because she is too high energy. I could have continued to fight it, but why? I can’t do it by myself, not with a dog that energetic and three children. Why rage against it if I can’t fix it by myself? I can’t help but feel anger and resentment about this. I feel I bought into yet another thing for all of us that didn’t pan out because not everyone was committed at the same level as me. The kids are also very upset. That doesn’t help my guilt level.

The other dog gets to stay – for now. If he can overcome his issues his personality is more in line with what the rest of the family expected. That is to say, he doesn’t need much exercise to stay sane and happy. I hope he continues to make progress with his other set of problems, because he is absolutely a sweetheart. I am a little consoled that he is still with us, but mostly I’m just sad. I fear losing him too.

Today is K’s birthday. I’ve tried a number of things leading up to today to try and make it special, but K and Master can’t get on the same page. She’s been depressed for weeks now about this, and just when I finally thought things were working out, another wrench got thrown. They seem to have this pattern of building up expectations with each other and stressing out about things and then…exploding. Nothing I do helps. It seems mostly that whatever I do doesn’t matter much if K and Master aren’t right. We try to say we have individual relationships, but it’s hard to completely separate them. I just want her to be happy. I want us to do something special for her and for her to know she is loved. Why is that so complicated? I’m trying to chill out for my own sanity, and because I genuinely want to do something nice and fun. I hope we are able to make that happen for her.

I am trying to find the balance between serving Master, being a good wife to K, and a parent to the children. Lately it seems I don’t have much energy. I have to find a way to get back on track and focus on the right things without depending on my partners to validate me. I’m going to start focusing on keeping a peaceful household as much as possible.

A few things, in no particular order: Find something productive to do every day so I don’t feel so useless. Focus on empathy with the children. Don’t get caught up in arguing and being right with anyone. Add scent to the house. Exercise. Try new recipes. Knit something (and finish it). Regular sleep cycles. Initiate more overt D/s behaviors with Master. Get focused on a slave mentality instead of a mother mentality. Any other suggestions?

Things I’m really enjoying lately: having K with us. It was empty with just the two of us. I feel we are complete again. Our sleep schedule. I get to sleep with both K and Master on a regular basis and it makes me really happy. It used to be very rare for me to end up in Master’s bed, and now I have two spouses to sleep with. It’s great! I’ve gotten to spend more one on one time with the older boys this summer than I have in a long time. They are much more interesting and neat separately. Together they can still be very overwhelming. It has given me some faith that they are actually heading on a good path. I’ve learned how to care for my hair in a way that actually makes me happy. Master and I went for a walk last week. It was nice to have some quiet time to connect with him. Finances are improving. We are starting to work out the budgeting mishaps that adding a 3rd person has highlighted.

I think I also need to focus on keeping my mouth shut more. I over communicate, that’s what Master says. I don’t have to get my opinion in about everything. I need to just go with the flow and enjoy things as much as possible. Things are overwhelming. I am a little depressed. I think I can come out of it, though. I just need to shift my focus. Our family is worth it, I think.

Congratulations and Best Wishes

Master and K are married as of yesterday afternoon. I went along with them and served as a witness and official photographer. I can’t show you most of the photos from the day, but K approved this one. This is my marriage too, even if I don’t get a legal document.

Marriage

Master and K are getting married! Some day we will have a ceremony for all of us, too. It just seems like the sort of thing you’re supposed to announce. Be happy for them! That is all.

Further Domestic Experiments

I am trying to move our family away from chemicals and expensive cleaning products and move toward  more natural and inexpensive options. I figure most of this stuff is easy to do and anything that can simplify our lives is a good thing. However, a domestic diva I am not. Any regular reader here knows I struggle to stay on top of things on the home front. I hope that simplifying will help with that, too.  One thing I am learning very quickly is that vinegar is my friend. So, without further ado, my experiments so far are as follows:

Laundry –Last night I made my own laundry soap using one bar of shredded ivory soap, one cup of borax and one cup of washing soda.  It’s appropriate for front loading HE washers because it is low sudsing, and it is dirt cheap. I have yet to determine if I approve of the job it does on clothes, but I love that it’s all natural and that the ingredients can be used for other things in our home.

Dishes – I intend to use the borax and washing soda in our dishwasher too. Apparently equal parts borax and washing soda work well in the dishwasher and straight vinegar is an excellent rinse aid.  For dish soap itself I’ve been using what’s left of our Dr. Bronner’s supplies  and I want to switch to using it more broadly once we use up our current supply of dish soap.  You can dilute the heck out of it and it cuts grease wonderfully without all the harsh detergent ingredients.

Windows – Vinegar and water work wonderfully as a glass cleaner. I am still experimenting with this, but I’ve read that adding cornstarch to the mix also helps a lot. Does anybody know if this is true, or have tips and suggestions for making it more effective?

Bathrooms – K showed me that baking soda and salt work really well to clean the bathtub and I imagine anywhere else where you need an abrasive scrubbing agent.  That probably would never have occurred to me though! Go K! I also know you can use straight vinegar in the tub and in the toilet as it is a natural disinfecting agent.

Floors – Once again, vinegar can be used either diluted or straight to clean vinyl floors. I also tend to turn to clear ammonia diluted in water when mopping, although ammonia scares me a little bit more. It may be natural, but it’s still a poison. I suspect Dr. Bronner’s would probably do a decent job in a pinch, too.   Also, K recently taught me about the stain fighting power of vinegar when we spilled red wine on our light carpet. A little bit of white vinegar poured directly onto the spot and it just disappeared as if by magic!  I’m going to try it on a few of our other stains and see if it helps at all.

I still need a good all purpose cleaner, preferably one I can mix in relatively small quantities and spray. Does anyone have a favorite recipe? These changes are really making me feel good about the sorts of things we have in our home and they are definitely good for the budget. I welcome any thoughts or tips because this is still largely new to me.

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