Slave? Submissive Wife? Both? WTF?

I am seriously confused nowadays.  I am not really sure what happened either, because I used to be so secure in my identity as a slave. I was sure it was what I wanted and that Master was the one for me.

Now, I don’t know. Things have been changing for a long time, but ever since he and CC started having issues we have totally lost our M/s dynamic. We’ve just been too focused on getting through every day to do much else. I miss our dynamic. I miss feeling secure and controlled. I miss knowing that if I step out of line he will punish me. I feel out of control now. I feel like I spend every day running things and managing things, and that’s not how it’s supposed to be.  I want to give it back up.

The problem is, I feel like our relationship has evolved. It was “easy” to be a slave when I wasn’t also trying to be a life partner. Admittedly I always wanted that, but I didn’t expect it for the first couple of years. Over time things changed and I did start to expect that if I was going to give my life to Master and our family that I should get the benefit of being a partner.

Six years later I want us to move forward in our lives together. I want us to decide together about issues like me having babies, where we should live, who should live with us, if I should work, etc. The big picture stuff. I want a say in the direction of my life.  I’m young, I’m in love, and I’m trying to find my way with the person I love. I don’t want to waste my best years waiting for someone else to define my vision for me.  Those sentiments aren’t very slave like, are they?

But, I also want to be a slave. I want Master to captain the ship. I want to serve him and please him. I want to take care of things in his life so that coming home is a joy. I want to be his refuge. I don’t want to have to worry about where we are going or how we are going to get there. I love and trust Master and I know he can figure this stuff out. I find it stressful and overwhelming to hold onto my needs so tightly and to worry about them.  I need to be controlled and to let it go. I know I do.

So,  is it possible to be a partner and a slave? I honestly don’t know. A slave by definition doesn’t call the shots. Doesn’t make decisions.  Doesn’t “get a say” in things. A partner does.  What I want, I think, is to feel security. I want to know that Master will take care of us, and that he will do everything he can to make me happy. Yet, I am filled with fear. What happens when we want different things? Does a Master of a slave ever compromise? Should he?

Is it even possible to sustain a long term relationship where everything is black and white? Master says he thinks I just want to be a submissive wife rather than a slave.  I don’t know what the heck I am anymore.

Does anyone have any more coherant thoughts on this? I want our life and our dyanmic back. I want to wrap my head around being Master’s slave and also getting my needs met. I want to shed the fear.

And the confusion.

4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Billy
    Jul 29, 2009 @ 11:55:25

    Dearheart,

    Once in a dark time of my life, a spiritual mentor told me, “You will never have what you want until you want what you have.”

    I was royally pissed when he told me this. It took two more years until I found the wisdom of what he said.

    The past is gone, the future is not here yet, the present is all we’ve got.

    You are with your Master now, no matter how much more you want, you have that now. Expand the moment, desire this.

    Bless you, Bridget

  2. sparkle
    Jul 29, 2009 @ 17:14:05

    “I want to know that Master will take care of us, and that he will do everything he can to make me happy.”

    And that, right there… is it a Master’s responsibility to make YOU happy, or is it your responsibility to make yourself happy?

    Honestly, bridget, I think you’re a submissive wife. Please don’t be offended by this. Submissive partners (even poly) often have say in the direction of things but don’t get to DECIDE. They get to make their preferences known and have their emotions/needs taken into account. Slaves? How much of a slave’s wants/needs are taken into account by their Master is at the whim of the Master. Maybe none, beyond what is required to maintain their headspace and/or physical condition.

    In other words, FROM WHAT YOU TELL US, I think he treats you like a submissive wife. Maybe a slave in the bedroom. 🙂 And that’s not a bad thing.

    sparkle

  3. youngbridget
    Jul 30, 2009 @ 07:01:18

    Sparkle,

    I’m not offended that you think he treats me as a submissive wife. He does right now, I think. Your definitions are fairly in line with our own definitions, although Master tends to feel that slaves should get “input” most of the time but no decision making “leverage” at all.

    As for whether or not it’s his job to make me happy, I wasn’t trying to imply that so much as the sense that we should be focused on making each other happy. A lot of my fears about giving up more of my “partner” status have to do with fears that we will have conflicting wants and/or needs and that being a slave he won’t see a reason to compromise for my sake.

    Which actually is the crux of the question. I miss how I felt when we both agreed I was a slave and pursued that life together. It isn’t necessarily a bad thing that things have changed, relationships do that. But, I miss all of the things we had before.

    What I’m trying to do is figure out how to reconcile the conflict in my head, and to decide which path to take. Some of that is on Master. He has to decide if it’s worth the battle to re establish headspace because I can’t be a slave in a vacuum even if I decide to.

    Ah. I’m not sure if this is making sense…

  4. Angelique
    May 30, 2013 @ 19:50:44

    I am a slave also but I’m very young (I’m going into sixth grade) my master doesn’t push me to show him my goods, but when I do something wrong he doesn’t punish me anymore, I don’t like it when he doesn’t punish me, I don’t wanna tell him cause he might punish me too much then, but I don’t know. Your simbas and god is the wise old baboon in the lion king: you don’t know who you are, but you do know who you are you just aren’t looking enough who are your slave or a submissive wife?

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