On Being Down

Lately I can’t figure out which way is up and which way is down. Just a little depressed I guess.

I lost the dog battle. Master and K didn’t want to keep Sadie because she is too high energy. I could have continued to fight it, but why? I can’t do it by myself, not with a dog that energetic and three children. Why rage against it if I can’t fix it by myself? I can’t help but feel anger and resentment about this. I feel I bought into yet another thing for all of us that didn’t pan out because not everyone was committed at the same level as me. The kids are also very upset. That doesn’t help my guilt level.

The other dog gets to stay – for now. If he can overcome his issues his personality is more in line with what the rest of the family expected. That is to say, he doesn’t need much exercise to stay sane and happy. I hope he continues to make progress with his other set of problems, because he is absolutely a sweetheart. I am a little consoled that he is still with us, but mostly I’m just sad. I fear losing him too.

Today is K’s birthday. I’ve tried a number of things leading up to today to try and make it special, but K and Master can’t get on the same page. She’s been depressed for weeks now about this, and just when I finally thought things were working out, another wrench got thrown. They seem to have this pattern of building up expectations with each other and stressing out about things and then…exploding. Nothing I do helps. It seems mostly that whatever I do doesn’t matter much if K and Master aren’t right. We try to say we have individual relationships, but it’s hard to completely separate them. I just want her to be happy. I want us to do something special for her and for her to know she is loved. Why is that so complicated? I’m trying to chill out for my own sanity, and because I genuinely want to do something nice and fun. I hope we are able to make that happen for her.

I am trying to find the balance between serving Master, being a good wife to K, and a parent to the children. Lately it seems I don’t have much energy. I have to find a way to get back on track and focus on the right things without depending on my partners to validate me. I’m going to start focusing on keeping a peaceful household as much as possible.

A few things, in no particular order: Find something productive to do every day so I don’t feel so useless. Focus on empathy with the children. Don’t get caught up in arguing and being right with anyone. Add scent to the house. Exercise. Try new recipes. Knit something (and finish it). Regular sleep cycles. Initiate more overt D/s behaviors with Master. Get focused on a slave mentality instead of a mother mentality. Any other suggestions?

Things I’m really enjoying lately: having K with us. It was empty with just the two of us. I feel we are complete again. Our sleep schedule. I get to sleep with both K and Master on a regular basis and it makes me really happy. It used to be very rare for me to end up in Master’s bed, and now I have two spouses to sleep with. It’s great! I’ve gotten to spend more one on one time with the older boys this summer than I have in a long time. They are much more interesting and neat separately. Together they can still be very overwhelming. It has given me some faith that they are actually heading on a good path. I’ve learned how to care for my hair in a way that actually makes me happy. Master and I went for a walk last week. It was nice to have some quiet time to connect with him. Finances are improving. We are starting to work out the budgeting mishaps that adding a 3rd person has highlighted.

I think I also need to focus on keeping my mouth shut more. I over communicate, that’s what Master says. I don’t have to get my opinion in about everything. I need to just go with the flow and enjoy things as much as possible. Things are overwhelming. I am a little depressed. I think I can come out of it, though. I just need to shift my focus. Our family is worth it, I think.

Just Writing

I’m considering giving up my paper journal. Master doesn’t like reading paper, it takes me a long time to write, and … I don’t know. I’m just considering getting rid of it. It’s weird to have some things here that are so personal and open and some things in this paper book that I only pull out periodically. I don’t know.  I’m still thinking this through.

There have been lots of things going on in my world! It seems this time of year is always a whirl wind starting in September and going right through the end of the year. First the kids all have birthdays, then it’s Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Master’s Birthday…it never ends. I think things are going really well, though!

I’m still super happy and extremely smitten with K. She’s been down every weekend and despite a few small glitches I think things are moving in the right direction. I think having her here on the weekends has been a really good way to ease into family life rather than doing the awkward “dating” thing that I seem to have issues with. I’ve really enjoyed and appreciated her help around the house and her company. I enjoy seeing Master enjoy her too, even if occasionally it’s hard to see him falling hard for her and not feeling the same sort of spark with us.

I feel like this is something that could really work. I don’t know what the details look like, but it feels like all the elements are there, and things feel really serious. My relationship with Master moved really slowly for a couple of years, with me being integrated in small ways over time to ease things for CC. I was never totally sure if she wanted me fully involved or not.  By the time she left I was under the impression she did, but obviously our family broke down so I guess I was mistaken there. This time has been really different. It all happened right away and we are all feeling it. I hope we aren’t rushing into anything we will regret, but right now it all feels good.  It’s weird because I am under the impression we are moving forward together, but I am not sure what language is appropriate to put on things at this stage. Is she my partner? my wife? my giiiiirlfriend? Maybe all of the above… I wish labels didn’t matter so much to me, then I could be carefree like Master! 😉

Thanksgiving was also great. We got to go see Master’s family and everyone was there. I got to meet his grandma and she showed me how to make pie and promised me some goodies. I’m super excited about it actually! It’s really nice to connect with his family because they are so accepting and non judgmental. And I got everything I wanted in a Thanksgiving feast, complete with Turkey, Stuffing, Candied Yams and Green Bean Casserole. I wasn’t sure how it was going to end up since Master’s family isn’t big on planning.  But yeah, this is one of the nicest stress free holidays I’ve been part of in a long time. I’m really glad I got to share it with Master and his family.

It’s ironic to me, with all this good stuff going on and me making an effort to be more positive, Master has expressed that he thinks I’m “always having an issue” and that he’s stopped being willing to rearrange his life around my emotions because of it. I have tried to show him that I am not always upset and to let the little things go, but so far he’s pretty stuck on it. It seems if I bring up even a small thing it sets him off. Also it seems he doesn’t always believe what I say. I told him that I am fine with a girl coming to visit us for a week in the new year and he said he thinks I’m not actually ok because of my “demeanor” when I discuss her.

I don’t want to put on a false “happy” attitude, but am I required to be chipper and June Cleaver in order to be “ok” and not “always have an issue” ? How do I break this negative impression he has of me and show him I love him and I’m pleased with our relationship? Also how do I express the actual issues when they come up in a way that will convince him to take notice and do something about them? How can I stop being blown off over everything because he assumes I will never be happy? I need to be able to be “negative” on occasion to keep things good over all… this is a confusing issue for me. Every effort I’ve made so far has fallen on deaf ears/ been ignored.

At any rate, things are going well over here. I’m busy but happy and trying to find new ways to look at life and my relationship. What is there to say? Life is good.

Looking Up

Recently Master and I celebrated our 7th anniversary.  Seven years! Wow. Part of me feels like we’ve always been together and part of me feels like it all just happened yesterday.

I feel like there are several things I would like to write about, but actually putting words on them is difficult for me.  I’m really happy overall about my relationship with Master. I think having K come into our lives at this time has made a big impact and helped both of us deal with some of the residual grief. Although we both hope things will work out with her, even if they don’t there is light at the end of the tunnel.  We have ideas for our future and we know there are people who will fit into our lives again. And that is really amazing.

Other amazing things – Master says he is ready to marry me.  There are some formalities (such as him divorcing CC) in the way, but he says it’s definitely going to happen. I’m still a bit worried that when it comes time for him to say the things he has to say to make it happen in my church that it will not happen, but I know Master is not one to say something like that lightly, and if he is saying it he means it! I am all excited about it!

Also, Master has recently said things to indicate that I am definitely going to get to have a baby. He hasn’t committed to a time frame, and I’m ok with that, but it is really awesome for me to watch the way he talks about it change. It’s little things really, things like correcting me when I said, “If we did that I could have babies…” and saying, “Uh, baby.”  Or things like, “If you are pregnant for xyz it could be a concern.” Those may sound small, but it tells me he’s thinking about it as a reality and not a hypothetical. And,  he’s also suggested that the  time may be coming soon! Between the two things I’m really sort of on cloud 9. I know, it’s never good to get your expectations up too high, but everything feels great right now!

No, everything isn’t perfect, I guess it never will be, but I’m definitely feeling some better balance. On the down side, I’m sick. I’ve missed two days of work so far, and I’m worried about that.  Master says I worry unnecessarily, but still. It’s a concern. I hate it.  Nothing to be done, though. I hope this isn’t a winter of me constantly being sick.

Also, I’m feeling extra lame as a housekeeper right now. I feel like I’m not on top of anything lately. Master just cleaned our laundry room up and its already back to scary. We are behind on laundry, we are behind on deep cleaning, I just got grocery shopping done today because I was home sick … I feel like my domestic skills are just really slipping and I was never a whiz to begin with. I don’t know. Maybe K will wind up having a major love of housework. A girl can dream, right?

Also not so great, I’m feeling irrational jealousy over girls Master talks to online. Ironic I guess that the girl who is actually in our lives taking up Master’s time and changing things at home isn’t causing me any real anxiety, but the girls he chats to online in other states, they upset me.  Anyone into psychology want to tell me what is up with that? I feel like a real crazy person about it.

I guess that’s all for now. Lots of stuff still stuck in my brain. More on this later.

Punishment, Girl Crush and Moving Forward

So, I promised to update everyone on my punishment. To be honest I don’t have very much to say about it.  I still can’t say I feel strongly about toilet paper. I still think it is relatively stupid. But, that’s not really the point.  I had a lot of fear that my negative feelings about the topic would prevent Master from actually doing what he wanted and/or trying to bring discipline back into our relationship.

So, I didn’t have much to say beyond what I already said.  He did punish me. There really isn’t anything earth shattering.  I got a spanking over his knee and it was quite hard but fairly brief.  I think  all told it lasted about 5 minutes from talk to snuggle. Then he told me to sleep in his bed and I went off up the stairs.

In our past there were two things that always went with being in trouble. One was that I was never allowed to have an orgasm for a day or so before/after the punishment and the other was no sex.  I never really questioned that. However, this time he fucked me after and then that night I also had an orgasm. I found it to be a positive thing and I really liked connecting with him. It didn’t feel so cold.

Master says he thinks for more serious issues I probably will still be punished with a belt (this also used to be standard) and kept from sex and orgasms, but that he thinks one thing that has prevented him from taking advantage of our dynamic had been how “high” the ante is, so he’s lowered it. He intends to differentiate for himself between serious and minor infractions.

I think this is going to be a slow process. I suspect there will be plenty more times where I don’t like or agree with his take on things. He says he thinks whether I am a slave or a submissive wife probably will become more clear with time. I hate the confusion, but I’m glad we are getting back to a  place where we can recognise each other. I am defintiely ready to let go again. It is comforting to know that my Master is back here with me.

I hope that Master will write about where he is, too.  Maybe my 5 remaining readers can head over to his blog and encourage that. 😉

Now that that is over with, I have some other  things to tell you about. I’m putting this behind the cut because it deals with age play and may make some folks uncomfortable.  But,  read on if you want to see me gushing about a new crush.

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Poly Ramblings and Reflection

So, this started as a comment on The Heron Clan, but I decided as long winded as it was, it could double as a post here. It’s really just some ramblings about the positives and negatives of my life in the last few years- inspired by swan’s very intelligent and thoughtful post on the subject.

In my relationship I didn’t go looking for a poly family and didn’t really think it would work out. I was willing to try it because I liked Master (before he was my Master) and I felt worst case scenario it wouldn’t work out. It’s easy to feel that way before you’re invested. It did for a long time, and I was blissfully happy for much of it, and struggled a lot too.

Nearly six years later, the bottom has finally fallen out. Sort of.

I’ve discovered a lot about myself. I discovered that I am capable of loving more than one person. I discovered that monogamy probably isn’t for me. I discovered there were many benefits to us all living as a family the way we did. I have never experienced a relationship as unique or intimate as what I shared with my sister when things were good.

Then again, I also discovered the bad things. I discovered I hated not being able to be “legitimate.” I hated the isolation and loneliness that sometimes occurred while Master and my sister wife went separate directions with separate dates, or sometimes together. I hated the envious feelings that would inevitably emerge when they were together and I was the babysitter. I didn’t mind sharing at all, but I did hate the realities of having less to go around on all sides.

There was balance. I’d probably do it again if the right personality combination emerged.  Truth be told I want to do it again desperately. I miss so much about this. I never wanted to serve Master alone. Though having watched it take it’s toll on my sister wife who gave up a lot of what she really wanted out of life for years only to realize after it was too late to go back that she had changed, I would definitely be cautious.

Master is never going to be monogamous. He will always be with others, casually or otherwise. I don’t do casual. I need to share my life with someone, or people. I need sanctuary and intimacy. Poly living has been a blessing and a curse for me. I’ve tried to be grounded in reality about this the whole time.  I hope the next time around it will be what we all need.

Anyway, I’m rambling a loooooot and not sure I’ve said anything of value for anyone but me, but hey. There it is.

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