Further Domestic Experiments

I am trying to move our family away from chemicals and expensive cleaning products and move toward  more natural and inexpensive options. I figure most of this stuff is easy to do and anything that can simplify our lives is a good thing. However, a domestic diva I am not. Any regular reader here knows I struggle to stay on top of things on the home front. I hope that simplifying will help with that, too.  One thing I am learning very quickly is that vinegar is my friend. So, without further ado, my experiments so far are as follows:

Laundry –Last night I made my own laundry soap using one bar of shredded ivory soap, one cup of borax and one cup of washing soda.  It’s appropriate for front loading HE washers because it is low sudsing, and it is dirt cheap. I have yet to determine if I approve of the job it does on clothes, but I love that it’s all natural and that the ingredients can be used for other things in our home.

Dishes – I intend to use the borax and washing soda in our dishwasher too. Apparently equal parts borax and washing soda work well in the dishwasher and straight vinegar is an excellent rinse aid.  For dish soap itself I’ve been using what’s left of our Dr. Bronner’s supplies  and I want to switch to using it more broadly once we use up our current supply of dish soap.  You can dilute the heck out of it and it cuts grease wonderfully without all the harsh detergent ingredients.

Windows – Vinegar and water work wonderfully as a glass cleaner. I am still experimenting with this, but I’ve read that adding cornstarch to the mix also helps a lot. Does anybody know if this is true, or have tips and suggestions for making it more effective?

Bathrooms – K showed me that baking soda and salt work really well to clean the bathtub and I imagine anywhere else where you need an abrasive scrubbing agent.  That probably would never have occurred to me though! Go K! I also know you can use straight vinegar in the tub and in the toilet as it is a natural disinfecting agent.

Floors – Once again, vinegar can be used either diluted or straight to clean vinyl floors. I also tend to turn to clear ammonia diluted in water when mopping, although ammonia scares me a little bit more. It may be natural, but it’s still a poison. I suspect Dr. Bronner’s would probably do a decent job in a pinch, too.   Also, K recently taught me about the stain fighting power of vinegar when we spilled red wine on our light carpet. A little bit of white vinegar poured directly onto the spot and it just disappeared as if by magic!  I’m going to try it on a few of our other stains and see if it helps at all.

I still need a good all purpose cleaner, preferably one I can mix in relatively small quantities and spray. Does anyone have a favorite recipe? These changes are really making me feel good about the sorts of things we have in our home and they are definitely good for the budget. I welcome any thoughts or tips because this is still largely new to me.

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As seems to be usual for me, after having a couple of days to chill out about it, I suspect I was too harsh on Master in my last rant.  I feel this even more as I spent yesterday at home due to a snowstorm that shut down our office, but basically got nothing done. Except napping and being emotional –  did a fair bit of that. I think I probably hurt Master’s feelings by writing what I did, and I’m sorry for that. I hope he isn’t still upset with me, but it’s hard to say.

I’m still sick, I can’t seem to shake this sinus infection I have. I don’t want to go to the doctor, but maybe I will. Master is really frustrated with me for being sick so much. I wish I knew what to do because I get my feelings hurt when I feel like crap and he is annoyed with me for not being productive, but I know it is frustrating too to have plans and no way to achieve them.

Things feel really off between Master and I. Nothing earth shattering or relationship breaking, just off. He’s been distant and preoccupied. We had the kids this week and it seems that both of us were on edge and tempers were near the surface. Sometimes I think our parenting has suffered the worst blow in this divorce.

The little guy has been really clingy and sad lately. I feel bad dropping him off at daycare, I feel bad putting him to bed at a normal hour because we haven’t had much time with him. I feel bad leaving him in the room to fall asleep by himself because he wants someone to stay with him. Basically I feel bad constantly because I can’t be there for him the way I like.

Then there are the twins who make life extremely difficult. They are rude, they are destructive, and they don’t care. I know this is a boy thing, and that’s life.  I know every parent goes through it. But it makes me so angry, and I feel like a total failure. We only get them every other week now, and half the time it is a relief when they leave. Then I feel guilty for feeling that way and sad that I don’t enjoy them more when they are here. I lose my temper,  at times, and yeah. I just worry constantly that I’m ruining them, that if we could have a better relationship everything would work out with them.

What I want is for us to snuggle up, relax, have lots of sex, whatever with Master. Try to get back on the same page and feel connected. Master frequently does not feel the same disconnects that I do, so he may think everything is fine, I dunno.  I just know I’d like us to be in a good place before we get the kids back again.

Every time I think I am going to focus more on service I fail. I want so much to be a service oriented person. I want to make Master’s life easier.  Yet usually I feel like I make it harder. I can’t really tell if what I need is to sleep for two days straight and then try to kick ass while being well rested, or if I just need to get over myself. I think Master mostly thinks I need to get over myself. I would say that’s not fair, but obviously I judge him too at times, so who is to say.  How do you make yourself stay productive while fighting exhaustion? I dunno.

I had a nice talk with CC yesterday. She said she still loves us and I told her we still love her.  She says she wants to find a way for us to be closer, just that she didn’t feel it was sustainable how it was. I don’t really know what to say. I am so up and down and back and forth on that. I want to be closer to her too, but I don’t know what options are available to us anymore.  I wish I knew what to think or feel about all this.

Master is seeing a new girl, J.  I don’t know if it will go anywhere, but I really like her. I think I like her so much because I relate to her. She doesn’t have any poly experience before us, and she said she was really nervous to meet me after spending the day with Master. He made her stick around even though she wanted to bolt, and it was fun. We played card games while Master watched hockey.

She’s since brought over cupcakes and bought me Halloween socks! I can see a great friendship developing if nothing else, and it’s nice to have another woman around the house once in a while. Sometimes I think the best way to do poly is with inexperienced people because they don’t come with a lot of expectations about it. I guess time will tell there.

What else? I’m having another one of my periodic freakouts about merging my faith with my lifestyle. I wish Master was willing to marry me, it would make like so much simpler. I understand his reservations and they are all perfectly valid. He doesn’t agree with marriage to begin with for policital reasons. He is concerned that if we get married he won’t be able to marry anyone else he sees and that’s not really fair. He feels the church doesn’t really accept me. Yet, I feel like doing this is between us and God, and it’s noone elses business in the church what other relationships we might have. If we were to be married it would be about he and I, not anyone else. Maybe I compartmentalize too much, I dunno.

I highly highly doubt there are any other Orthodox Christians who lurk here, but if there are, advice is welcome.

I guess that is all for the time being. Master and I are going to a Haloween party tonight. Hopefully it will be fun!  My costume involves a mask, I have a feeling I won’t be wearing it for all that long.  This sure was a jumble of thoughts. Stream of consciousness at it’s best or worst, dependning on how you look at it. Thanks for reading.


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Laundry Woes

Ok guys. Any domestic goddesses out there need to help figure out laundry. I know it’s a simple thing, but I can’t seem to get a handle on it and it pisses Master off. I don’t really like feeling incompetent, and I don’t like feeling his anger and frustration, so help would be good. This is the one thing we have argued about the entire time I’ve been with Master. I’ve never gotten it right to his liking.

I do the bulk of my laundry on the weekends. Anything that is piled up to be done I gather up and I wash. However stuff does accumulate throughout the week as well. I try to plan laundry every day, to at least do a load and switch it, but it seems never to happen that way.  For instance this week on Monday morning I did a load and switched it and started another load, but didn’t get it finished Monday evening.  Then Tuesday was busy and we didn’t even get home until after 9:00 pm.

I did switch the laundry at that point, but that was all because I was exhausted and wanted to go veg out and go to bed.  Last night was more of the same. We didn’t get home until after 8:30 at which point I cooked Master dinner, took some cough medicine (hydrocodone is serious stuff!) and went to bed.  Master says I sat on my computer when I could have been doing laundry. I guess that’s true, although I wasn’t really thinking of it that way since I was drugged on cough syrup. Anyway…

This morning Master told me he is unhappy that all I have achieved with laundry is switching his clothes around. He said he’s been out of black socks all week and I should have taken care of that and basically have all the laundry done by today, I guess.  I don’t really feel like I wasted the week, but he seems to feel otherwise.

I’m just at a loss. I feel exhausted most of the time,  and I like to relax as much as the next person especially if we don’t have kids. I try to keep some balance in there too. Essentially this week has been an every other day thing – Sunday (and Monday morning), Tuesday, Thursday (as I will be completing a load this evening).

We have five people in our home. I am the only one that manages clothing. I don’t mind, but I don’t know how to keep Master happy either.  Is there a simpler way to manage this that I am missing? Maybe this is just a vent. Maybe I need to give up my “sitting down” time like Master says and do more laundry. He says I shouldn’t say I don’t have time to do something if I use any time for myself.

I just don’t know. I have plenty of clean clothes though, and so does he (socks not withstanding), so I guess I’m having a hard time seeing where the frustration is coming from.

Help, Suggestions, Comments, Whatever. Go for it.

Another Goodbye

I’ve been avoiding writing on this blog about the issues between Master and CC because I wasn’t sure how they would feel about it. But, since Master is doing it on his blog and I’m sad today, I’m going to write a bit here.

They’ve been together a long time(a decade). For most of my relationship with Master I’ve viewed their relationship as the given, solid foundation.  It’s also the perspective I’ve brought to our relationship. Yes, I love Master. I’m serious about being his slave. But, for me, I knew I wanted the big picture. I didn’t want to be his slave separate from his family. I’ve written previously about my integration into the family and the changes our dynamic has gone through. What I haven’t written about as much is the balance my relationship with CC and the kids has provided.

Honestly, I’m not sure my relationship with Master would have lasted as long as it has without this. I won’t go into much detail here- Master has already written about some of the issues we’ve gone through on his blog if you want to read them. What I’ll say is that for a significant period in our relationship I’ve been dealing with an Owner who was not always engaged the way I wanted him to be.  Everyone has character flaws, I really have just accepted his and discovered (after much struggle and beating my head against the wall) that I love him and want to be his anyway.

I also discovered directly one of the biggest blessings about poly- no one person has to meet all of your needs. My relationship with CC and my involvement in our family allowed me to thrive and feel sustained at times when my M/s dynamic was messed up or missing. I discovered there was more to us as a family than just my desire to be a kinky sex slave, and I was able to wait for Master to be there with me, rather than having to have it all the time.

Well, CC had a different experience. I suppose this is because she isn’t really submissive in her own right, but really only went that route because Master inspired it in her.  When he checked out she couldn’t just wait around for him to get back to a place of dominance and mastery. Instead, she moured their dynamic and her slave identity and moved away from it.

There are foundational things that will never go away while they are together. She still loves Master, she still wants to serve him and please him. She still wants to feel his leadership in our family. But… she doesn’t feel the same sort of internal drive for submission and guidance and ownership that she had before. She’s grown past it. In fact, she is now pursuing a D/s relationship of her own with another man. She is the D, he is the s. It’s quite intense, and it’s definitely been a catalyst for these issues being forced now.

I’ve kind of known this for a while, but I didn’t analyze it that deeply because she and I have always approached these sorts of issues differently. I thought it would be obvious to Master as well. I thought it was sad, but I also figured that just as our family had more to offer me than just M/s, it also had more to offer them. But, when it became apparent to Master that she is no longer interested in being his slave, it rocked his world. He isn’t sure he can continue to live with her and have a relationship with her if he isn’t the leader.

They’ve been working through it. Sometimes it seems they are going to work it out. CC hasn’t lost her desire to build a family with Master, or for him to be the head of our home. I have felt a huge amount of hope for them. I think Master has had less time to mourn the changes than she has, and it’s going to take him some time to catch up. But, I think it can be done. Or, I did. As of yesterday, I’m not so sure.

CC just made a choice with her sub that I don’t fully understand. It’s not my news to share, but I’ll say it really hurt Master (and me, to a lesser extent). To him, it confirms all of his fears about the direction of their relationship. He’s feeling unloved and unimportant. He says if he isn’t the priority anymore then he can’t live like that.  I don’t know what to think, but I’m afraid that it’s the last straw for them. And, I’m wondering if it was meant to be.

I have to say I’m highly conflicted about all of this. I love both of them, and I can’t quite see my life without either of them. I can’t imagine not seeing the kids every day, or working with CC to make our home run smoothly. I can’t imagine taking care of Master all alone.  I haven’t had much chance to deal with the fact that I’ve lost a sister slave regardless of our living situation, but it’s coming home pretty hard today.

I’m so disoriented. I feel like the entire foundation of the life I’ve chosen is dissolving and I have no control over it. Master says he’s having a hard time with the idea that CC has changed all the rules yet they are supposed to move forward. It dawned on me last night that although he isn’t doing it on purpose, that’s exactly what he is doing to me, too. Everything is changing, and I’m just along for the ride.

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