Radio Silence

I’ve been silent a long time.  A whole year.  I’m not prepared to say I’m coming back, but I do feel like I should post something in 2012.  I want to put a period on the year.  At a recent MAsT meeting we discussed our year in review and talked about goals for the next year.  I said I don’t really have any goals for the next year, I’m usually too worried about the next hour or the next day.  Things are busy.  So, some highlights to follow:

Work and Family

Things continue to move right along with Master and K.  We are still married and still working things out.  It’s still a tough situation for me sometimes, but we all love each other and we are all committed to finding a way to make it work. As my last post a year ago implied,  I’m dealing a lot with the consequences of having gone directly from child to parent and slave.  I feel that I missed some essential and normal developmental pieces around having an independent identity, and I’m just not sure what to do about it. 

The big kids are way too big (taller than me now, by a LOT), but doing better than I’ve ever seen them.  They seem happy and love their new school. They still aren’t really performing in school, but they want to be there and want to succeed at something, and that is huge.  

The baby is now in first grade, so I guess that makes him not a baby… and that is sort of unacceptable.  This week he told me that I need to knock before entering his room and that I broke his space bubble with a surprise hug.  So, that is pretty much unacceptable too.  I need him to stay tiny forever and ever. 

We are dealing with some practical issues.  I changed jobs in May, which was best for my career path.  Unfortunately I rather hate my job, so I’m ready to start looking again.  Master lost his job, and although he is doing some contract work it will be a while before we see any income.   K is also working, although she is not happy with her part time hours.  I am hoping both of them will feel good about their job situations soon, I really dislike being the breadwinner. 

Other Stuff

This year has been a big year for me in a couple of other key ways.  It seems that I am now involved in a second D/s relationship. This is still evolving, so I don’t have all the details, but it sure is interesting! For years now (around 7) I’ve had a crush on another local Master (Scary Master Lady).  She is a friend of our family and a personal friend of mine.  She is one of the few other people I’ve ever been able to truly connect with about M/s because She and Master have similar views about the subject.  She has a slave of Her own, who I also have a special friendship with. And of course, She is also really intimidating and a heavy player.  I’ve been smitten for a long time, while at the same time assuming that nothing will ever happen between us.

However, that changed.  One day at Her house I had an embarrassing incident where I suddenly felt like I should not use Her furniture, and jumped out of a chair just as She was coming around the corner.  She picked up on this immediately and said, “You can use the furniture.”  This one moment led to a lot of conversation between the two of us, and Master.  He told me I can and should be deferential to Her.  Later He told me I should go further than deference – I should actively obey Her. 

This is an ongoing process.  We did a scene back in August.  She and Master negotiated the whole thing, my only job was to show up and be beaten. She said, “I’m not looking for you to go anywhere or experience anything, you just need to endure.”  It was intense. Since then Master let Her know that I am available for service, and She has taken Him up on that offer a few times.  I’ve done such sexy tasks as cleaning Her windows for five hours straight, doing legal filing and scrubbing Her carpet.

Although She initially was unsure She wanted to have expectations of someone else’s property, She has decided to establish some rules.  Right now She is working on putting together a set of protocols and standing orders for me.  This is going to be a challenge for me.  I’m set in my ways with Master and learning new things is hard.  She also operates pretty differently from Him, so I am not really sure what to expect or how that will go.

I honestly have no idea where this is all going.  The only thing I really know is that She is the only person other than Master to ever inspire these sorts of deep submissive feelings in me.  The infatuation is strong and ongoing.  My family is sick of hearing about Her.  And of course, it feels great that Master is ok with this and encouraging.  It’s taking up a lot of my spare time and brain power, but it’s been a real light in my life lately. 

So, this is where I am right now.  My circumstances are ever changing, and I’m juggling a few balls.  I’m up and down, and I don’t know what 2013 has to offer me, but I’m excited to find out. 

Being Me

I’ve been in a bit of a cave recently. For a while now I’ve felt like I wanted to write something, but I haven’t really had the words. It can take me a long time to get the words, but once I do I tend to ramble on. I suppose this will be one of those. I’m sorry about that…

I’m going through some huge transitions right now. I’m trying to remain calm and focused, and I’ve mostly refrained from using this blog as a place to vent and work through things. My focus has been very internal. Master and I jumped off a cliff when we married K. We made decisions quickly and are now going through all of the adjustments you might expect – growing pains if you will.

For those of you who are wondering, yes it has been difficult for me. I don’t adjust to change easily. I like things to be stable and I like security. Having to let go of every single thing I thought was happening in my life to make room for something new isn’t an easy process. It may be rewarding, but it takes a lot of effort to get to that point.

Here is what I know:

I am a strong and capable person. I have faced many emotional challenges and come through them. I jumped into adulthood with little to no preamble. I went from being a pretty pampered kid (an only child from a middle class family) to a step parent of two (and later three) challenging children in what now feels like the blink of an eye. I entered into a very complicated relationship structure without having any real experience with relationships, and have made it work to varying degrees for eight years now. That is longer than most marriages today. I have faced judgement, intervention and criticism from my parents and friends. I have worked to navigate the often confusing and conflicting experience of being a Christian and being a kinky, poly, submissive, deviant person. I have sacrificed the things that I want in this life to make room for the people I love. I have done this again and again for years. It’s part of making things work.

Sometimes I wonder -Those of you who judge me for sticking around when things seem less than ideal, what is your track record with relationships? On what basis do you assume I should be doing something else? My grandparents were together for 70 years. My own parents have been together just over 25 years. I’ve seen stability and commitment modeled in my life and I’ve made decisions to pursue that. No, I won’t just walk away from people I love because it is hard for others to understand.

Here is what else I know:

I deserve to be happy and achieve the things that are important to me. We all do. I have dreams and desires and goals. I have given my “best years” in the service of others in the hope and expectation that we were building something together that would include my needs and desires. Not all of our goals and dreams and desires seem to be compatible, and I don’t know where that leaves us.

I know that I love my family.Master has been my rock for a long time. He has been the single most influential person in my life. He is a huge part of who I am today. I like who I am, so that is a good thing. I know that I belong with these children. They are challenging, but they deserve to have people in their lives who will love them unconditionally and help them become good and productive men. We are together by choice, and they need me. For all the pain they’ve caused me, I know we need each other. I know that K brings her own unique contributions to our family. We fell in love with her hard and fast, and we all jumped off a cliff together. We don’t know what things will look like when the dist settles, but we chose her and she chose us.

It’s time for me to start finding a way to give to my family and be where I am while still moving forward on the things that I want and need. We are in a period of change. K’s coming stirred a lot of things up. For all that it is painful, it is also an opportunity. Maybe that means giving a little less and putting my foot down on some things. Maybe that means asking for more help. Maybe it doesn’t mean any of those things. I don’t have the answers.

I read somewhere (in some self help book) that women make a shift in their later 20s from giving away themselves to standing up for their own needs. Developmentally I’m right on track. My grandparents turned this corner together in their own relationship, I know there is a way to do it myself.

I’m going back to my cave for now. I’m around and I will probably have some more to say here and there. If you want to do something, keep me in your thoughts or your prayers. Try to refrain from judging me. If you have experience making this transition, by all means share. Just know that I’m sort of a shitty friend and correspondent right now because I’m a bit… distracted. It doesn’t mean I don’t value your wisdom.

I’m here. I’m hanging in there. I have no idea beyond that.

Dr Who Scarf

My lovely wife took this photo. I couldn’t wait to show everyone! This is a variation on how I will probably wear it for Halloween. I am going as the scarf.

Image

Poly Musings

I have recently been reading another blog written by a young woman in a polygamist family.  Like me, she met her family when she was 18. Unlike me, she moved in with them after one visit and within a month she was married to the family officially.

There is a lot about that story that I was a bit freaked out by (getting married within a month, mainly), but I loved that she moved in quickly everyone could see where she might fit and if it was going to work.  I love the idea that people can just “go for it” and try to build something together without having to go through months and years of wondering.

My own relationship developed quite slowly. It was months before we had anything “official” and years before I moved in and was collared (which for Master and I is just as significant as marriage).  It almost became a joke after a while because I hung out in “official limbo” for so long after our relationship was established. I think it was actually quite harmful in some ways to feel the feelings and be living the life but not having the language  and the symbols to go along with it. I always felt sort of hurt by the fact that I couldn’t just integrate, but that is the past and God knows you can’t change it. Maybe I should have taken it as a sign that CC wasn’t really on board and been more wary at the time.

Anyway,  I know that next time around I don’t want to do that to someone. I want to be welcoming and open. I want to establish compatibility and then move forward. There are no guarantees in this life. I have no way to know that the next person will work forever, but I also have no reason to assume it won’t. I don’t think you can spend your life waiting and trying to make sure it’a all going to work out.

I also think Master and I are finally in a place where now we are ready to do some new things.  I think we’re both feeling like we’d like to plan the next direction our life is going to take. We’ve been sitting in limbo too long ourselves.  It’s time for everyone to stop hedging their bets. It’s time to move forward.

Privacy

I’ve decided to go through and mark a lot of my posts as private.  I’ve used this blog a lot for processing my negative feelings and I don’t think it’s doing anybody any good – especially since at the end of it so far I’ve always come to positive conclusions.  Some of it I will leave if I feel it has a broader value than simply me being angsty, but if I’m just using it to work through my feelings then the general public doesn’t need to be subjected to it.

I still have a lot of thoughts about this life I’m living and the people I’m doing it with, but maybe the other stuff is something I need to work through privately. I’m sick of Master and our family getting a bad rap because of the way I present him, and perspective is difficult if you’re only getting one side. I hope that this will be a more balanced blog going forward.

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Ups and Downs … Bridget Does Another Brain Dump

Hi all. It’s me again! Here I am, trying to sneak  in some writing before getting some real work done. The problem is,  I don’t exactly know what direction to take this post. A lot has happened in the last few weeks, and it seems every time we have an up shift there is also a down swing.

Master had a blow up at our camping trip. We went to a music festival with the family I mentioned in our last post, and it was most very fun. However,  CC went to the same festival, and having her come into our camp was too much for him. He saw something that triggered him, I’m not exactly sure what. The result was that he spent the rest of his night in his tent, and concluded that he can’t see her socially right now. I think it’s the right decision for him, but it still makes me sad.

I am looking forward to the day we can move forward together and not have CC factor in. When we can plan for our future and enjoy our activities and not have them be about someone who is no longer part of our relationship. Right now I think that’s how I’ll know we’re really over it.

I talked to my Dad the other day. He told me that he’s largely over the shock of things (six years later, I would hope so), but that he worries I will get hurt.  I asked him if he made it to age 60, practicing monogamy, without ever being hurt. Of course, he hasn’t. I think being hurt is just part of living this life. I’m not sure there is any path we can take that will prevent it.  I can’t say our poly family saved me from pain, but I can say it brought a lot of joy while it lasted.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it recently, but things are largely improving with my family.  Our family took a trip in February that took us through Las Vegas. As it happened, my father was there on business, and we all got together for dinner.  This is the first time my father has ever bothered to meet Master or the children. He’s done some posturing in the past – demanding that Master come and “declare his intentions” to him, but he’s never taken time to see us as a family.  It went well. He really liked the little guy, said he is precocious and reminds him of me.  He said the older two are “remarkably normal.”  It’s a first step. Ironic that we had to meet in Vegas, though, since we live in the same town.  Now I just need to work on my mother.

I had that meeting with my priest that I mentioned in my last post. I was hoping to present things differently to him, but at the very last minute Master got cold feet and told me not to tell him we were ready to get married soon.  I basically had to tell him that I have no idea if or when we will be married. As you might imagine, it didn’t go the way I was hoping. I’m really being hit hard by this, although I knew perfectly well what the outcome would be if I said we aren’t getting married.

This is a hard thing. I don’t know how to reconcile my need and desire for imbalance in our relationship (e.g. Master holding power and control over me, as well as receiving service from me) with the feeling that he should be willing to give me some of the things that are important to me simply because I want them. I feel like I give him everything I have all the time. It’s what our entire relationship is based on, me giving to him. Yet, I have a major issue like this, where his jumping through a hoop is all that is needed to resolve a major issue in my life, and he can’t or won’t do it. Maybe I’m being selfish, but I just want him to give this to me.

I can’t exactly explain why with most things I’m ok with the imbalance and with others I am not – there are really only one or two things that I feel this way about.  But, if we can’t come to terms with it I just don’t know what is going to happen. I can’t spend the rest of my life choosing between my relationship and my religion, and he is the one that encouraged me to take steps to reconcile the two in the first place. I wish I could stuff everything back into the compartment it came out of, but I can’t.

With the kiddos, things are a little bit crazy. Summer is coming and we are trying to figure out how to manage that.  The older boys are really having some issues, and if any of you are parenting gurus I would love some suggestions.  It’s gotten to the point where we basically can’t trust them with anything. If we tell them not to use electronics until xyz is done, you can bet we will walk in on them sneaking some TV or computer time.  If we tell them not to get into some food item, you can bet it will be open or missing later that week or even the same day.

It just feels like a no win situation. Nothing we try is showing any results, and I at least am at my wits end. I’m tired of fighting with my kids, and I’m tired of having to be a military step mom.  I know, every parent goes through it, but it’s sure making me cranky. Why can’t we just love and enjoy our kids?

There was a point to this when I started, but I think it’s long sense been lost.

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