That’s All Folks

CC just came and loaded what was left of her stuff into Jessie’s truck.  School is out and she will no longer be staying here.  Neither will our kids, half the time. It’s over.

Master says he’s been looking forward to it. I don’t feel any relief. What can I say? I still don’t think this is how it is supposed to be.

Calling All Mirena Users

So, I’m thinking about getting the Mirena IUD. Actually, I have an appointment to do it this week. I am a bit freaked out by a couple things and would love to hear from people who aleady use it. All feedback is welcomed, but I’m obviously most interested in the positive stories.

Thanks in advance!

Judgment

Well, I’m sitting at the airport on my way home from the Shadowlane party.  My flight is delayed and I have a few minutes to write. This party has really got me thinking about identity issues and judgment.  I  certainly am in a different place than I’ve ever been before at one of these parties. I spent a lot of time thinking about this leading up to the party because I was worried about repeating events from the past.  Luckily they weren’t repeated, but I think it’s still worth writing about.

I’ve changed a lot over the last few years. I’ve gone from someone who was scraping by a living on a very part time job and living in a tiny apartment and trying to get established with this family I loved to a stay at home parent in a poly family doing exactly what I wanted with my life despite the disapproval I encountered from the outside. Now, I am working full time, taking care of the children, running the household.  I have responsibilities, debt, a family.

I didn’t ever intend to do it alone, but I’m at a place in my life and personal development that is really good and really important. I’ve come into my own, I guess. I totally own my life and my choices.  Even though things are hard right now what I am trying to do is move forward.

And yet, what I am running into is expectations and judgment.  So, I thought I might try to make a few things clear.

1. I am still the same person I have always been. I am a bright and intelligent woman. I am capable. I have well developed values and I have a pretty clear idea of what I want from life.

2.  I am a grownup. I am a parent. I am able to make my own choices and own them. I am able to make judgment calls. My greatest joy in life is to take care of people, and I love being taken care of in return.  I do not need parenting or people to tell me what to do. When I reach out for help what I need is support and opinions. I can make the final decisions by myself.

3. I am choosing to be in the situation I am in.  I love my Master. I want to be a slave. I love these children. This is exactly the situation I sought out aggressively five and a half years ago. Nobody manipulated me into the position i am in now.  In fact, Master tried to warn me away. I made a choice. Obviously the current sad events we are dealing with were not my goal, but it doesn’t change anything about my choice. These are the people I love and want to be with. This is the life I have chosen.

New Job

Well, my last company let me and everyone else who worked there go in mid January. I know I am by no means the only person in this position right now. I went through all kinds of panic about this because the timing was as bad as it could be for myself and my family.

Within a week I had a temporary job, for which I am extremely grateful because our finances are very tight.  This temporary job was meant to last anywhere from two to six months. It was a very unique situation, and I was very lucky to stumble into it. It also allowed me to delay filing for unemployment. I wanted to wait because I would have been entitled to a lot more in April than I was in January, given that I’d only worked for six months.

I was hesitant to take the temp job. I even told the ladies who interviewed me that I didn’t want something temporary and would be looking for more permanent options. I also asked to have flexibility with interviewing. I have no idea why they wanted me in light of that, but it sure has been great. I feel a little bit of guilt now that things have taken their course.

Anyway, it turns out I don’t need to file for unemployment. I was just offered a job today at a really big, good company. They shouldn’t be shaken by the current economic climate, and it’s more money (though by no means are our financial woes solved) than I’ve ever made before on my own. It’s also a big step up in terms of legitimacy, after having worked several shitty jobs in my life.

I actually thought there was very little chance I could actually get this position. It was sort of my holy grail. I’m still not really sure how it happened, but I can’t help but feel that there is an element of fate here. I am trying to put my life back in line with God, fate, the universe. I want to stop fighting and let things fall into place. I hope I can let this job be a first step for that. We all need to move in a positive direction now.

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Memory Eternal- Patriarch Aleksi

The Russian Patriarch Aleksi passed away today.  I don’t have a lot to say on a personal level, but I’m sad for the church. He was a great man, if controversial at times. The New York Times writes about him here.

May his memory be eternal!

Friends

Yesterday afternoon Master loaded up all three kids and took off in the car. He is taking them to his Grandmother’s for Thanksgiving.  I wish I was going with him, but I couldn’t have gotten the time off work and I really need to see my parents since I may not see them at Christmas.  Obviously, CC did not go with him either.

I have been hoping to spend time with her since Master moved out, but so far (granted it’s only been three nights) she’s filled her time in other ways. Last night she was planning to be gone over night, and I was trying to decide how to fill my own time when Jessie pointed out that the discussion group our mutual friends run was scheduled for last night. I decided to go, and CC and Jessie did too for most of it.

The topic was nurturing. I can’t say that I had a lot of insight into it, but it was definitely interesting.  As it turned out it was a good thing CC and Jessie left when they did, because almost as soon as they walked out the door we were instructed to write what we would do for our partners to nurture them, and I lost it.  I’ve been trying to keep my overt displays to a minimum especially with CC, but I’m only partially succeeding. I’m glad she wasn’t there to see this.

Anyway, aside from feeling like an idiot for crying in front of everyone, it turned out to be a fairly positive thing. After the discussion I was whisked away to Dennys for an appetizer plate and a long talk. I mostly just rambled, but I appreciated the company and the opportunity to get some of this out. It was nice just to have some validation.  Anyone who reads here knows because I bitch about it a lot, but I think I’m in the toughest position here. I suspect all three of us probably think we are in the toughest position.

I think these friends of mine have a different perspective on the situation than other people I have talked to. They agree that the trip he took was part of his path and that he needed to finish it. Most everyone else I know has said he shouldn’t have left in the first place. I’m really sad about the direction things are going now because I feel like he really should have finished his trip.  Coming home early really derailed things and I feel like this should not have happened the way it’s happening. I’m also sad because I feel he will have to finish it sometime, and once again I’ll be left alone while he does this.

So anyway, this isn’t quite the positive post I intended to write, but neither is it fully negative. I’m getting to know some new friends, and I have a bit of support in these tough times. All I can do is wait this out.

Primary

Master and I have been talking a lot about the definition of “primary partner” recently. The reason it started was that he is very concerned about not being CCs primary anymore. He fears that if they open themselves up to new possibilities that the result will be with him as her secondary partner after years of living together and being primary to each other.  So, we got to talking.

I’m not sure I understand Master’s definition of “primary” but I know what it means for me. Being primary with someone is about the role I share in their life.  It’s about the value that they place on the relationship. I need to know that the person to whom I am primary values our relationship at the highest level possible. I need to know that making and keeping things right with me is the focus and that no other person or relationship is going to win out.

I don’t think it’s about exclusivity. I can easily imagine another person (or people) being at that level. I think the catch there is that everyone needs to be at that level together for that to work. There can not be conflicting interests. That’s actually one of the things I’m discovering is a problem for me now. I have had both Master and CC (our family as a whole) in the primary position. I’m struggling with feeling I now have to choose between my wife and my Master as to who gets to be the primary in my life.

Master seems to equate being primary to living together and… I’m not sure what else. It seems to be in large part about power for him. In fact, Master expressed concern about future dynamics because he isn’t sure that he wants another slave at the level that I am. He could see him self in a DD relationship, or maybe a more “normal” relationship and he is concerned that I could view that as threatening, or lose my primary status.  This is something we need to talk about, but right now it doesn’t seem to be about power.

What I need to know is my value. I need to know that Master is committed to making us work.  I need to know that no matter what he has with anyone else  his priority is keeping us strong.  I need to know that making sure my needs are met, and our needs jointly comes before pursuing fun on the side or secondary relationships. I need to know that secondary relationships are going to be balanced with his relationship with me and that as any of them grow in importance to him he is committed to keeping me in this place, even if he is adding to it.

These things are pretty core to me.  I know being primary is core to Master too, but I don’t know how much of it matches up.

Consumed

Everyone here is extremely consumed by emotion.  You’ve seen a lot of mine on this blog, it’s one of the ways I’ve processed and dealt with things lately. I’ve wondered a bit how much of it I should put out here, but hey. Where else should I put it,if not here? I’m not sure what’s coming accross about my own personal struggle. It’s intense,and I feel a range of emotions. I suppose they all do,though I only know what I see.

CC hasn’t shared that much about her feelings.I’m not the person she opens up to about those things anyway. I know she has to be going through all sorts of feelings. Most of what I tend to actually see is manifested by distance. She pulls away to get space to think. She pulls away when she feels attacked.She pulls away any time she feels threatened I think.  The distance is a pretty clear sign to me that she’s in a bad place, but I’m not really privileged to know the specifics. Occasionally after the fact I do, but rarely in the moment.

Then there is Master. He is quite angry. Lately it seems I can’t talk to him without running into a big wall of anger. I’m pretty sure CC can’t either. It’s making me very sad and very distrustful. I hope this is a grief stage he is working through, because I don’t like this side of him. The way he is speaking and the decisions he seems to be making are very alien to me. I don’t really even know him anymore. I’ve literally never seen him like this.  I tried to talk to him about this a little bit today, I never know if I’ve been heard.

I think the anger and resentment is extremely destructive. I know everyone feels it and it’s normal, but focusing on it this intensely can’t do anything but continue to break down the few foundations that are still standing. I wonder sometimes if this is what he wants, if he’s trying to burn bridges. He says he is leaving things open but moving on. I feel like he’s slamming doors left and right.

Related only somewhat peripherally, Master says he thinks I’m trying to force them to stay together. He says I need to stop encouraging them to “just keep trying.” It’s odd because I really don’t feel I’m doing that. I do desperately wish they could find a way to live together, and to me it seems they should be able to. But, what I want for them is really independent of that. What I want to see is for them to both drop the crap and come together and focus on their family. I’d like them to be kind to each other. I’d like them to remember that they claim to love each other. I don’t care where everyone lives. I do care that we keep what is really important in perspective.

Right now,  I’m afraid this extreme anger and disconnect is going to fracture everything and I’m going to lose both of them. I don’t know how to begin to get my head around that.

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