Just Writing

I’m considering giving up my paper journal. Master doesn’t like reading paper, it takes me a long time to write, and … I don’t know. I’m just considering getting rid of it. It’s weird to have some things here that are so personal and open and some things in this paper book that I only pull out periodically. I don’t know.  I’m still thinking this through.

There have been lots of things going on in my world! It seems this time of year is always a whirl wind starting in September and going right through the end of the year. First the kids all have birthdays, then it’s Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Master’s Birthday…it never ends. I think things are going really well, though!

I’m still super happy and extremely smitten with K. She’s been down every weekend and despite a few small glitches I think things are moving in the right direction. I think having her here on the weekends has been a really good way to ease into family life rather than doing the awkward “dating” thing that I seem to have issues with. I’ve really enjoyed and appreciated her help around the house and her company. I enjoy seeing Master enjoy her too, even if occasionally it’s hard to see him falling hard for her and not feeling the same sort of spark with us.

I feel like this is something that could really work. I don’t know what the details look like, but it feels like all the elements are there, and things feel really serious. My relationship with Master moved really slowly for a couple of years, with me being integrated in small ways over time to ease things for CC. I was never totally sure if she wanted me fully involved or not.  By the time she left I was under the impression she did, but obviously our family broke down so I guess I was mistaken there. This time has been really different. It all happened right away and we are all feeling it. I hope we aren’t rushing into anything we will regret, but right now it all feels good.  It’s weird because I am under the impression we are moving forward together, but I am not sure what language is appropriate to put on things at this stage. Is she my partner? my wife? my giiiiirlfriend? Maybe all of the above… I wish labels didn’t matter so much to me, then I could be carefree like Master! ;-)

Thanksgiving was also great. We got to go see Master’s family and everyone was there. I got to meet his grandma and she showed me how to make pie and promised me some goodies. I’m super excited about it actually! It’s really nice to connect with his family because they are so accepting and non judgmental. And I got everything I wanted in a Thanksgiving feast, complete with Turkey, Stuffing, Candied Yams and Green Bean Casserole. I wasn’t sure how it was going to end up since Master’s family isn’t big on planning.  But yeah, this is one of the nicest stress free holidays I’ve been part of in a long time. I’m really glad I got to share it with Master and his family.

It’s ironic to me, with all this good stuff going on and me making an effort to be more positive, Master has expressed that he thinks I’m “always having an issue” and that he’s stopped being willing to rearrange his life around my emotions because of it. I have tried to show him that I am not always upset and to let the little things go, but so far he’s pretty stuck on it. It seems if I bring up even a small thing it sets him off. Also it seems he doesn’t always believe what I say. I told him that I am fine with a girl coming to visit us for a week in the new year and he said he thinks I’m not actually ok because of my “demeanor” when I discuss her.

I don’t want to put on a false “happy” attitude, but am I required to be chipper and June Cleaver in order to be “ok” and not “always have an issue” ? How do I break this negative impression he has of me and show him I love him and I’m pleased with our relationship? Also how do I express the actual issues when they come up in a way that will convince him to take notice and do something about them? How can I stop being blown off over everything because he assumes I will never be happy? I need to be able to be “negative” on occasion to keep things good over all… this is a confusing issue for me. Every effort I’ve made so far has fallen on deaf ears/ been ignored.

At any rate, things are going well over here. I’m busy but happy and trying to find new ways to look at life and my relationship. What is there to say? Life is good.

Another Punishment

I slammed a door on Thursday. It was in the heat of passion during the argument Master and I had. I tried to write about it then but didn’t manage to do it.  I’m still getting emotional even now writing about it.

I’m not sure why some punishments are so much more emotionally jarring than others, especially when things are so cut and dried. I did slam the door. I shouldn’t do that.  The kids can’t be expected to control themselves if the adults around them can’t, and anyway it’s rude.  No question.

So Master punished me. First he made me stand in the corner for around half an hour, until the kids were in bed and his hockey game was over. I was extremely upset during this part because I was still so upset/ hurt about our argument. Waiting in the corner didn’t really help me calm down, although I doubt it was intended to. I think he just didn’t want to see my face right then. He seemed pretty mad.  Then he sent me down to the basement to wait for him.  It wasn’t a very long wait, either.

I thought Master might make me wait a long time because they kids weren’t asleep, but Master went for music turned up loud in the office and the TV on in the living room.  He spanked me very hard with his hand after a brief lecture about how he hopes it will remind me to do the right thing next time.  I know I was surprised that I got a hand spanking. I half expected him to whip his belt out of his pants and beat me with it because he was so displeased with me, but he didn’t.

Afterwards I was shattered. I felt so much angry energy coming off of Master, and although he let me talk to him about how I was feeling about our argument, I still was feeling hurt and sad and I’m not sure I said anything really useful. I’m still sad that Master perceives me as having an attitude so often when I don’t feel it myself.

Anyway, ultimately I went to bed in his bed, and the next morning we had sex. Unfortunately it wasn’t the kind of sex I was hoping for, not really the warm and “reconnecting” sex I’d been looking for, but instead it was more like punishment part 2. He described it afterward as maintenance, but basically he had strong words for me about who is in charge, who decides when we have sex, what my attitude should be, etc.  Ultimately I cried as much from this as from the argument, or the spanking. All of it was very intense.

Master uses sex in this way somewhat regularly – that is to say -he uses it to reinforce messages he wants me to internalize. Often he isn’t focused on the specific words so much as the tone. It’s a pretty effective and powerful mechanism in our relationship.  I wouldn’t want him to stop using it. But this time, wow.

A weekend of camping later and I’m still a bit raw and shell shocked. I want to connect with Master but I’m a little unsure how to go about it. I don’t want to make him feel that I didn’t hear anything he said to me.  I want to fix this.

I guess that’s all. He punished me. I deserved it. I’m still working through it. The end.

I don’t want negative comments on this post. I’m not writing it to slam Master or otherwise make people feel sorry for me. I deserved to be punished and now I just have to process it. This is only public because Master asked me to tag these for him so that he can see how I’m doing. If you have insight, fine. Please share. If you want to tell me how horrible Master is for putting me through this, don’t bother. Your comments won’t remain on this post.

Looking Up

Recently Master and I celebrated our 7th anniversary.  Seven years! Wow. Part of me feels like we’ve always been together and part of me feels like it all just happened yesterday.

I feel like there are several things I would like to write about, but actually putting words on them is difficult for me.  I’m really happy overall about my relationship with Master. I think having K come into our lives at this time has made a big impact and helped both of us deal with some of the residual grief. Although we both hope things will work out with her, even if they don’t there is light at the end of the tunnel.  We have ideas for our future and we know there are people who will fit into our lives again. And that is really amazing.

Other amazing things – Master says he is ready to marry me.  There are some formalities (such as him divorcing CC) in the way, but he says it’s definitely going to happen. I’m still a bit worried that when it comes time for him to say the things he has to say to make it happen in my church that it will not happen, but I know Master is not one to say something like that lightly, and if he is saying it he means it! I am all excited about it!

Also, Master has recently said things to indicate that I am definitely going to get to have a baby. He hasn’t committed to a time frame, and I’m ok with that, but it is really awesome for me to watch the way he talks about it change. It’s little things really, things like correcting me when I said, “If we did that I could have babies…” and saying, “Uh, baby.”  Or things like, “If you are pregnant for xyz it could be a concern.” Those may sound small, but it tells me he’s thinking about it as a reality and not a hypothetical. And,  he’s also suggested that the  time may be coming soon! Between the two things I’m really sort of on cloud 9. I know, it’s never good to get your expectations up too high, but everything feels great right now!

No, everything isn’t perfect, I guess it never will be, but I’m definitely feeling some better balance. On the down side, I’m sick. I’ve missed two days of work so far, and I’m worried about that.  Master says I worry unnecessarily, but still. It’s a concern. I hate it.  Nothing to be done, though. I hope this isn’t a winter of me constantly being sick.

Also, I’m feeling extra lame as a housekeeper right now. I feel like I’m not on top of anything lately. Master just cleaned our laundry room up and its already back to scary. We are behind on laundry, we are behind on deep cleaning, I just got grocery shopping done today because I was home sick … I feel like my domestic skills are just really slipping and I was never a whiz to begin with. I don’t know. Maybe K will wind up having a major love of housework. A girl can dream, right?

Also not so great, I’m feeling irrational jealousy over girls Master talks to online. Ironic I guess that the girl who is actually in our lives taking up Master’s time and changing things at home isn’t causing me any real anxiety, but the girls he chats to online in other states, they upset me.  Anyone into psychology want to tell me what is up with that? I feel like a real crazy person about it.

I guess that’s all for now. Lots of stuff still stuck in my brain. More on this later.

Poly Musings

I have recently been reading another blog written by a young woman in a polygamist family.  Like me, she met her family when she was 18. Unlike me, she moved in with them after one visit and within a month she was married to the family officially.

There is a lot about that story that I was a bit freaked out by (getting married within a month, mainly), but I loved that she moved in quickly everyone could see where she might fit and if it was going to work.  I love the idea that people can just “go for it” and try to build something together without having to go through months and years of wondering.

My own relationship developed quite slowly. It was months before we had anything “official” and years before I moved in and was collared (which for Master and I is just as significant as marriage).  It almost became a joke after a while because I hung out in “official limbo” for so long after our relationship was established. I think it was actually quite harmful in some ways to feel the feelings and be living the life but not having the language  and the symbols to go along with it. I always felt sort of hurt by the fact that I couldn’t just integrate, but that is the past and God knows you can’t change it. Maybe I should have taken it as a sign that CC wasn’t really on board and been more wary at the time.

Anyway,  I know that next time around I don’t want to do that to someone. I want to be welcoming and open. I want to establish compatibility and then move forward. There are no guarantees in this life. I have no way to know that the next person will work forever, but I also have no reason to assume it won’t. I don’t think you can spend your life waiting and trying to make sure it’a all going to work out.

I also think Master and I are finally in a place where now we are ready to do some new things.  I think we’re both feeling like we’d like to plan the next direction our life is going to take. We’ve been sitting in limbo too long ourselves.  It’s time for everyone to stop hedging their bets. It’s time to move forward.

Privacy

I’ve decided to go through and mark a lot of my posts as private.  I’ve used this blog a lot for processing my negative feelings and I don’t think it’s doing anybody any good – especially since at the end of it so far I’ve always come to positive conclusions.  Some of it I will leave if I feel it has a broader value than simply me being angsty, but if I’m just using it to work through my feelings then the general public doesn’t need to be subjected to it.

I still have a lot of thoughts about this life I’m living and the people I’m doing it with, but maybe the other stuff is something I need to work through privately. I’m sick of Master and our family getting a bad rap because of the way I present him, and perspective is difficult if you’re only getting one side. I hope that this will be a more balanced blog going forward.

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More Thoughts On Service

I was talking to a friend of mine on the phone yesterday and she was able to put something into words for me that I’ve been struggling with recently. She told me, “I know that your being able to do service for your Master is extremely important to you. It’s the entire reason you put up with all the other crap in your life. You have to find a way to push past the exhaustion and tell yourself, ‘this is an opportunity to do something that he wants.’ ”  It’s so ironic that all the “other crap” I put up with in order to have this fundamental dynamic with Master is the stuff that is preventing me from being able to really embrace it.

I am starting to feel that both Master and I have a problem with giving the best of ourselves to other people rather than putting the energy needed into the relationship. I’ve felt this way for a while, but the comments from my friend really put some clarity on it.  I work, and I put a lot of energy into that and my coworkers. I put a lot of energy into parenting our admittedly difficult kids and keeping the household functional. I put energy into friends. All of these things I do with a pretty good attitude, but when the day ends I’m exhausted and cranky and can barely pry myself off the couch. I’d rather just play on my computer, read a book, or watch the TV.

Master has a similar issue. He works, he is a Mason, he parents, he dates. I’ve watched him give tons of time and attention to all of these things, and like me he does them all with a good attitude.  Do the Masons need someone to come early and stay late at lodge? He’ll do it, no problem. Does the girl he is seeing have an issue and need some extra attention? No problem he’ll call her up or make time to see her. He has hobbies, and in fact is in the process of planning a motorcycle trip.  And still, when we are home together he is more likely to veg out and play a video game, chat on his computer or text with a girl than to plan a date night in with me.

Both of us are guilty of grumping at the children when they are difficult rather than using empathy and positive parenting.

It’s true that everything I do in my life I really am doing for Master. I clean this house because he wants it clean. I go to work because he wants/ needs me to do so. I raise the kids because, though I love them, they were also the price of admission to the family.  I cook dinner because it’s part of the deal and he wants it. Our lives are arranged around the things that he wants, and I try to give him the space to go in the direction he desires.

If I were living on my own I wouldn’t do most of these things to the degree I do now. I doubt I’d be a total slob either, but all of this is stuff I took on for Master. Since I never really was on my own before him I can’t speculate too much on what it would look like, but it would absolutely be different.  Sometimes I feel a little bit sad that Master doesn’t seem to see the things I do on a daily basis as service because they fill so much of my life/ our , and I’d like him to see the value there. Maybe that’s just the reality of living together for a number of years – you start to lose perspective on the daily and familiar.

On the other hand, it’s really different now that CC is gone. My friend also pointed that out to me. She recalled a time when I shared that CC had been sad to learn Master preferred the way I made oatmeal to the way she did it. I personally remember feeling a large pang of jealousy when Master let someone else make his bed.  I’m not sure that competition is the best way to think of what we had, but we definitely encouraged each other to keep a proper attitude and to provide good service. And we took care of each other. Nowadays Master doesn’t get a choice in the way his oatmeal is cooked or the way his clothes are taken care of. I just do the best I can and often things do  fall short of the way he wants them to be.

I guess I think we both  (and me especially) need to make sure we aren’t taking each other and our relationship security for granted. We need to re prioritize and stop allowing all the “other crap” to take priority over the people we have chosen. This stuff comes and goes, but our family is supposed to be our refuge not our burden.

I need to find some way to put the thrill back into this.  I’ve wanted for a while now for Master and I to set one day a week that is sacred for us, that we use for reconnecting and enjoying each other, but he doesn’t think that’s realistic. My friend suggested something more simple, such as putting a finger to my throat when he asks me to do things to remind me that I’m collared.  I don’t know if that specific action would work for us, but maybe something little can be incorporated.

All I know is that I want to find a way to move reorient myself. I can’t keep up the pace otherwise.

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