I’m considering giving up my paper journal. Master doesn’t like reading paper, it takes me a long time to write, and … I don’t know. I’m just considering getting rid of it. It’s weird to have some things here that are so personal and open and some things in this paper book that I only pull out periodically. I don’t know. I’m still thinking this through.
There have been lots of things going on in my world! It seems this time of year is always a whirl wind starting in September and going right through the end of the year. First the kids all have birthdays, then it’s Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Master’s Birthday…it never ends. I think things are going really well, though!
I’m still super happy and extremely smitten with K. She’s been down every weekend and despite a few small glitches I think things are moving in the right direction. I think having her here on the weekends has been a really good way to ease into family life rather than doing the awkward “dating” thing that I seem to have issues with. I’ve really enjoyed and appreciated her help around the house and her company. I enjoy seeing Master enjoy her too, even if occasionally it’s hard to see him falling hard for her and not feeling the same sort of spark with us.
I feel like this is something that could really work. I don’t know what the details look like, but it feels like all the elements are there, and things feel really serious. My relationship with Master moved really slowly for a couple of years, with me being integrated in small ways over time to ease things for CC. I was never totally sure if she wanted me fully involved or not. By the time she left I was under the impression she did, but obviously our family broke down so I guess I was mistaken there. This time has been really different. It all happened right away and we are all feeling it. I hope we aren’t rushing into anything we will regret, but right now it all feels good. It’s weird because I am under the impression we are moving forward together, but I am not sure what language is appropriate to put on things at this stage. Is she my partner? my wife? my giiiiirlfriend? Maybe all of the above… I wish labels didn’t matter so much to me, then I could be carefree like Master! ;-)
Thanksgiving was also great. We got to go see Master’s family and everyone was there. I got to meet his grandma and she showed me how to make pie and promised me some goodies. I’m super excited about it actually! It’s really nice to connect with his family because they are so accepting and non judgmental. And I got everything I wanted in a Thanksgiving feast, complete with Turkey, Stuffing, Candied Yams and Green Bean Casserole. I wasn’t sure how it was going to end up since Master’s family isn’t big on planning. But yeah, this is one of the nicest stress free holidays I’ve been part of in a long time. I’m really glad I got to share it with Master and his family.
It’s ironic to me, with all this good stuff going on and me making an effort to be more positive, Master has expressed that he thinks I’m “always having an issue” and that he’s stopped being willing to rearrange his life around my emotions because of it. I have tried to show him that I am not always upset and to let the little things go, but so far he’s pretty stuck on it. It seems if I bring up even a small thing it sets him off. Also it seems he doesn’t always believe what I say. I told him that I am fine with a girl coming to visit us for a week in the new year and he said he thinks I’m not actually ok because of my “demeanor” when I discuss her.
I don’t want to put on a false “happy” attitude, but am I required to be chipper and June Cleaver in order to be “ok” and not “always have an issue” ? How do I break this negative impression he has of me and show him I love him and I’m pleased with our relationship? Also how do I express the actual issues when they come up in a way that will convince him to take notice and do something about them? How can I stop being blown off over everything because he assumes I will never be happy? I need to be able to be “negative” on occasion to keep things good over all… this is a confusing issue for me. Every effort I’ve made so far has fallen on deaf ears/ been ignored.
At any rate, things are going well over here. I’m busy but happy and trying to find new ways to look at life and my relationship. What is there to say? Life is good.