I’ve been silent a long time. A whole year. I’m not prepared to say I’m coming back, but I do feel like I should post something in 2012. I want to put a period on the year. At a recent MAsT meeting we discussed our year in review and talked about goals for the next year. I said I don’t really have any goals for the next year, I’m usually too worried about the next hour or the next day. Things are busy. So, some highlights to follow:
Work and Family
Things continue to move right along with Master and K. We are still married and still working things out. It’s still a tough situation for me sometimes, but we all love each other and we are all committed to finding a way to make it work. As my last post a year ago implied, I’m dealing a lot with the consequences of having gone directly from child to parent and slave. I feel that I missed some essential and normal developmental pieces around having an independent identity, and I’m just not sure what to do about it.
The big kids are way too big (taller than me now, by a LOT), but doing better than I’ve ever seen them. They seem happy and love their new school. They still aren’t really performing in school, but they want to be there and want to succeed at something, and that is huge.
The baby is now in first grade, so I guess that makes him not a baby… and that is sort of unacceptable. This week he told me that I need to knock before entering his room and that I broke his space bubble with a surprise hug. So, that is pretty much unacceptable too. I need him to stay tiny forever and ever.
We are dealing with some practical issues. I changed jobs in May, which was best for my career path. Unfortunately I rather hate my job, so I’m ready to start looking again. Master lost his job, and although he is doing some contract work it will be a while before we see any income. K is also working, although she is not happy with her part time hours. I am hoping both of them will feel good about their job situations soon, I really dislike being the breadwinner.
Other Stuff
This year has been a big year for me in a couple of other key ways. It seems that I am now involved in a second D/s relationship. This is still evolving, so I don’t have all the details, but it sure is interesting! For years now (around 7) I’ve had a crush on another local Master (Scary Master Lady). She is a friend of our family and a personal friend of mine. She is one of the few other people I’ve ever been able to truly connect with about M/s because She and Master have similar views about the subject. She has a slave of Her own, who I also have a special friendship with. And of course, She is also really intimidating and a heavy player. I’ve been smitten for a long time, while at the same time assuming that nothing will ever happen between us.
However, that changed. One day at Her house I had an embarrassing incident where I suddenly felt like I should not use Her furniture, and jumped out of a chair just as She was coming around the corner. She picked up on this immediately and said, “You can use the furniture.” This one moment led to a lot of conversation between the two of us, and Master. He told me I can and should be deferential to Her. Later He told me I should go further than deference – I should actively obey Her.
This is an ongoing process. We did a scene back in August. She and Master negotiated the whole thing, my only job was to show up and be beaten. She said, “I’m not looking for you to go anywhere or experience anything, you just need to endure.” It was intense. Since then Master let Her know that I am available for service, and She has taken Him up on that offer a few times. I’ve done such sexy tasks as cleaning Her windows for five hours straight, doing legal filing and scrubbing Her carpet.
Although She initially was unsure She wanted to have expectations of someone else’s property, She has decided to establish some rules. Right now She is working on putting together a set of protocols and standing orders for me. This is going to be a challenge for me. I’m set in my ways with Master and learning new things is hard. She also operates pretty differently from Him, so I am not really sure what to expect or how that will go.
I honestly have no idea where this is all going. The only thing I really know is that She is the only person other than Master to ever inspire these sorts of deep submissive feelings in me. The infatuation is strong and ongoing. My family is sick of hearing about Her. And of course, it feels great that Master is ok with this and encouraging. It’s taking up a lot of my spare time and brain power, but it’s been a real light in my life lately.
So, this is where I am right now. My circumstances are ever changing, and I’m juggling a few balls. I’m up and down, and I don’t know what 2013 has to offer me, but I’m excited to find out.
Kinky Little Girl 
Dec 26, 2012 @ 16:32:25
I check your blog every day to see if you’ve added an entry or if anyone else has added a comment, and it did not seem like 13 months that I’d been reading “I’ve been in a bit of a cave recently,” noting that there was still only 1 comment, and moving on. Time flies. I’m glad you gave us an entry for 2012.
You do not feel that your college years and the time when you were modeling full time — the times living away from home but before you moved in with Master — were developmental? Was it not enough time, or did you already consider yourself Master’s slave by that point, even though you were not living with him?
It’s interesting that, as a slave, you feel a need for an independent identity. I agree that you need one — after all, your slavery is a choice that you make every day (you presumably don’t have to actively consider it every day, but it’s still a choice that you renew constantly), and you need your own identity to make the choice.
I’m glad to hear the older boys are doing better. I guess they got their wild phase over early. If so, that’s a relief. I did not realize the baby is in first grade and old enough to want his privacy. Time flies, again.
There is such a thing as babies who stay babies forever; they’re called pets. Especially toy dogs.
You and I have discussed Scary Master Lady in other venues so I won’t repeat that here. I think she fills a need in your life for more formality or rigor in your training or enslavement, and I think your main Master is glad to outsource the filling of that need, so it all works out. The only problem, as we’ve discussed, is that you can’t be SML’s friend AND her slave at the same time, at least not with the same style of friendship as before.
I hope all goes well for you in the coming year.