On Being Down

Lately I can’t figure out which way is up and which way is down. Just a little depressed I guess.

I lost the dog battle. Master and K didn’t want to keep Sadie because she is too high energy. I could have continued to fight it, but why? I can’t do it by myself, not with a dog that energetic and three children. Why rage against it if I can’t fix it by myself? I can’t help but feel anger and resentment about this. I feel I bought into yet another thing for all of us that didn’t pan out because not everyone was committed at the same level as me. The kids are also very upset. That doesn’t help my guilt level.

The other dog gets to stay – for now. If he can overcome his issues his personality is more in line with what the rest of the family expected. That is to say, he doesn’t need much exercise to stay sane and happy. I hope he continues to make progress with his other set of problems, because he is absolutely a sweetheart. I am a little consoled that he is still with us, but mostly I’m just sad. I fear losing him too.

Today is K’s birthday. I’ve tried a number of things leading up to today to try and make it special, but K and Master can’t get on the same page. She’s been depressed for weeks now about this, and just when I finally thought things were working out, another wrench got thrown. They seem to have this pattern of building up expectations with each other and stressing out about things and then…exploding. Nothing I do helps. It seems mostly that whatever I do doesn’t matter much if K and Master aren’t right. We try to say we have individual relationships, but it’s hard to completely separate them. I just want her to be happy. I want us to do something special for her and for her to know she is loved. Why is that so complicated? I’m trying to chill out for my own sanity, and because I genuinely want to do something nice and fun. I hope we are able to make that happen for her.

I am trying to find the balance between serving Master, being a good wife to K, and a parent to the children. Lately it seems I don’t have much energy. I have to find a way to get back on track and focus on the right things without depending on my partners to validate me. I’m going to start focusing on keeping a peaceful household as much as possible.

A few things, in no particular order: Find something productive to do every day so I don’t feel so useless. Focus on empathy with the children. Don’t get caught up in arguing and being right with anyone. Add scent to the house. Exercise. Try new recipes. Knit something (and finish it). Regular sleep cycles. Initiate more overt D/s behaviors with Master. Get focused on a slave mentality instead of a mother mentality. Any other suggestions?

Things I’m really enjoying lately: having K with us. It was empty with just the two of us. I feel we are complete again. Our sleep schedule. I get to sleep with both K and Master on a regular basis and it makes me really happy. It used to be very rare for me to end up in Master’s bed, and now I have two spouses to sleep with. It’s great! I’ve gotten to spend more one on one time with the older boys this summer than I have in a long time. They are much more interesting and neat separately. Together they can still be very overwhelming. It has given me some faith that they are actually heading on a good path. I’ve learned how to care for my hair in a way that actually makes me happy. Master and I went for a walk last week. It was nice to have some quiet time to connect with him. Finances are improving. We are starting to work out the budgeting mishaps that adding a 3rd person has highlighted.

I think I also need to focus on keeping my mouth shut more. I over communicate, that’s what Master says. I don’t have to get my opinion in about everything. I need to just go with the flow and enjoy things as much as possible. Things are overwhelming. I am a little depressed. I think I can come out of it, though. I just need to shift my focus. Our family is worth it, I think.

4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Abel
    Jul 20, 2011 @ 15:03:37

    Your family’s definitely worth it: all of you. You’re so lovely together, and there’s such a spirit of love and caring in your home. I so hope the feelings of being overwhelmed pass soon – they’re not surprising, with so much change having taken place. Hugs xx

  2. Michael
    Jul 20, 2011 @ 23:27:38

    So, the dog that wants to eat the youngest child (in self-defense, from the dog’s viewpoint) and poops in the house made the cut (for now) and the other dog was let go. That’s not the way I’d have bet. I guess hyperactivity really is that annoying. You don’t mention where Sadie went; I hope you either found her a good home or took her somewhere that will try to find her a good home.

    As for the rest of the domestic situation, my interpretation of what you’re saying is that even a high-maintenance sister wife is better than no sister wife at all.

    Some things are the same vanilla or kinky; all men think all women “over communicate.” The difference is that vanilla husbands just have to tune it out and say “Yes, dear” a lot, while a dominant can actually try to do something about it.

    I wish you the best of luck trying to balance all these competing demands and desires. You deserve to be happy.

  3. youngbridget
    Jul 21, 2011 @ 08:23:20

    Sadie went to a really good home with a very active person who I think she will be very happy with. I strongly believe that if you bring an animal into your life you are responsible for it and you do not get the luxury of simply dumping it at the shelter if it’s not working out. My disappointment isn’t that Sadie will be less happy. I think she will be thrilled with her new life. I’m just disappointed that between three adults we couldn’t find the resources to give her what she needs.

  4. Paul
    Aug 21, 2011 @ 15:17:36

    I could never part with my dogs. I need them more than the people in my life

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