Baby Steps

I know, I’m a broken record mostly.  I still don’t see very much about this whole split as a good thing. I was talking to CC last night about decisions regarding the kids such as schools, living arrangements etc. She and I have some areas of disagreement (as parents tend to), but she phrased it in terms of doing what is best for the kids.

I will admit that I balked at this. I feel like her choosing to split up our family and take the kids to a new home with a new boyfriend and pursue her own happiness over putting the effort into making things work with the family she had chosen for ten years is 100% in opposition to doing what is best for the kids. She told me that parents choosing to be happy is another important factor in the well being of the kids.

So, whose happy now? Her, I guess. I’m not sure that the kids are around more happiness now, though. I suspect a lot of it has just been shifted from her unhappiness onto mine and Master’s. Don’t get me wrong, there were definite issues before. I think any relationship that has lasted for more than a year has issues.  But overall I was absolutely happy, and committed to making things work between us.  Now I still feel quite lost most of the time, and more than a little inadequate as a parent.  I’m filling roles I never had to fill before, and it’s not a good fit.

Still, I’m doing the best I can. I still love Master and I still want to make it work. I am still comitted to being the best parent I can be to these kids. I hope some day we will be a poly family again because I think that is how I am at my best.  However I also know that’s not something that can be searched for actively. The right person or people will present themselves with time.

So, I’m trying to move forward. Master has a new job. It’s a good job. I’d like to think it will help us get out of debt sooner, which would be a plus all around. There are a lot of things we still need, though, so it’s going to be a while before there is any extra left over for this purpose, even with the boost in income.

Almost every day now I see something that I want to change. I’ve spent nearly six years doing everything the way that CC did it because she already had all her systems in place and Master expected it. A lot of it is second nature. But as I go day by day without her I am starting to see areas where I don’t like what she did, or just want to try something different. If there is anything good about all of this, my allowing myself to do things my way, and figure out what my way even is may be it.

I’m working on getting the house together. It’s a slow process. The livingroom had to change either way because CC removed most of the large furniture from it, but I didn’t want to put it back in any of the configurations we had used previously. The couch is on a different wall, etc. I want us to set up a home altar so that we can all have a place of peace.

We also rearranged the bedroom. Apparently in all the years they had been in that house the bed had never moved. We pulled out the gas stove and moved the bed to the other wall. Our personal altars are set up as well. It’s nice in there, I like it. I think we both felt a strong need to make that happen right away.  Leaving things the same invites her ghost to stay with us, even though she’s still among the living on the other side of town.

We have a new kitchen table, though no chairs to go with it. Folding chairs are it for a while. I’d like to paint the kitchen eventually, it’s something I’ve wanted to do since I moved in, but I feel it even more now.

The office is being reclaimed as an office. There is no more guest bed in it, and the older kids will be getting their own computer set up in there soon. They had been using it in the basement, but that was not working for a variety of reasons mostly to do with devious boys being out of sight and ear shot for too long.

Remember my post a while back about turning the basement into usable space? Well, that is happening again. So much got moved around when we were dealing with living separately in the same house, but now the bed is back downstairs. We have a lot of cleanup and room swapping to do, but it will get there eventually.

We have totally re arranged the laundry room as well. I’m hoping and praying for more usable space in there.

Finally? I’m taking control of the boys clothing.  I am no longer willing to fight with them about dealing with it and keeping it off the floor and cleaning it back up again when it inevitably ends up on the floor. They will be getting new accessories in their closet with a slot for each day of the week. They will have one pair of clothes per day, and the rest I will be keeping down in the laundry room.  We will see if it helps, but I think it will.

So those are my baby steps. I’m trying to move on, but there are still a lot of ghosts.

Whose Space Is It?

So,  yesterday I was publicly chastised for using the comment section on another person’s blog to engage in open disagreement and discussion with one of the other readers about tolerance, religious and otherwise. It was the religious portion of the discussion that was offensive to at least one of the blog owners. She also said, with regard to my comments,  “However, in all the time we’ve written here, I don’t remember anyone ever using OUR comments to go after another reader. That feels a little like having someone who is a guest in my home decide to pick a fight with another guest, and that is unacceptable.”

Apparently the view of this blog owner is that I was brow beating this other person by stating my opposing views and that my views were not to be expressed in “their” space.  I was encouraged to use my own space to do that. So, I guess that is what I will do.

My intent was to let it go, or at least wait a day or two and see how I would be feeling then. However, it turns out I’m rather pissed. I wasn’t pissed when all this started. I was not mad at the other commenter, and I did not feel we were having an ugly discussion. Actually I thought the discussion was rather interesting and I was enjoying engaging with this person. We both had strong views, and I think that makes for interesting conversation.

I wasn’t even pissed when the blogger decided to call me out and chastise me publicly. That’s one of my kinks after all, public humiliation. But, I did think it was excessively nasty and a huge escalation from anything that had gone on in the comment section. I was baffled by it.

When did I become pissed? When the other commenter I had been engaging with took the opportunity to jump on the bandwagon and tell me to “get a grip” and also to make another catty comment about the possibility of being “yelled” at again.  The blog owner? Apparently she found that just fine and assured said commenter that she would not experience that again in that space. It’s fine for me to be attacked because my view was the wrong one, but not fine for me to engage in a civil discussion. Yeah.

So here is the deal. I already apologized over on this other blog for causing a commenter to feel brow beaten or yelled at. I apologized for hitting a hot button for the blog owners and causing them to feel attacked.  That was all sincere. I would never want to do that to anyone and if that was the result of my stating my views then certainly I am sorry.

But I don’t understand for the life of me how this whole thing could have escalated to that level.  For one thing, unmoderated comments on a blog to me has always implied that discussion and conversation is encouraged.  I personally am not interested in reading comments from groupies who never encourage me to think or do anything other than say, “hear hear!”

Neither does this person, apparently, because she doesn’t moderate her comments.  Yet, this particular exchange was offensive. Considering I wasn’t even addressing her, I really find that amazing.  I guess I don’t think of the comments as my space, actually. I feel everybody has every right to say whatever they feel and that if two readers want to use the comments section to address each other that is up to them.

I really fail to see the point of encouraging discussion otherwise. So, have at it. The comments aren’t my space. If you’re not a spammer, you’re free to share your thoughts here, whatever they are. If you think my religion is a crock of shit, you’re free to say that.  If you think I shouldn’t have posted on this other blog or posted this post, you’re free to say that. If you think I’m brow beating someone now, you’re free to say that. If someone else disagrees with you, they are free to say so. That’s how it works over here.

And no, I won’t name names. Those who want to track this down can easily do so, but that is really beside the point.

Go behind the cut to see a discussion about tolerance.

That’s All Folks

CC just came and loaded what was left of her stuff into Jessie’s truck.  School is out and she will no longer be staying here.  Neither will our kids, half the time. It’s over.

Master says he’s been looking forward to it. I don’t feel any relief. What can I say? I still don’t think this is how it is supposed to be.

Laptops and Mother’s Day

For those of you who haven’t already figured it out, we are poor. We’ve been poor for a couple years, since Master left his high paying job in the tech industry to pursue a career in real estate. That was a good plan, but sort of bad timing as the current economic crisis demonstrates.

Since he and CC broke up he has been forced to return to the regular workforce and has taken a job earning a little less than half of what he made previously. I also went back to work almost a year ago, and after my company went under I got a job working for a very large and well known company. I have been extremely fortunate. Still, together, Master and I earn almost what he made previously (without the added income that CC always brought in).

We have precious little extra cash. We pinch pennies. We save. We pay our bills barely, and occasionally get a night out, but that’s it. We don’t get television, though the net is a luxury we haven’t given up yet.  So, now that we are separating homes there is  a problem. There are things we are short on. Like furniture, dishes,  bedding etc. We need several basic things still, dishes being the most critical.

But, one little item I’ve really missed is a computer. My previous laptop took a lot of abuse from the little guy.  Over time the keyboard has become less and less functional and the battery stopped holding a charge. Finally, when I wasn’t looking he slammed the power brick down and broke it. It won’t power the laptop anymore.  This has been a great loss for me, because my computer is my lifeline.

Lost

I feel the need to write, but I haven’t actually been able to find the words. I’ve been told I need to be more positive in my writing in my journal. This isn’t my private journal for Master, but I’ve felt the same here. Yet, I’m about to write about how sad I am.  I need to get this out. Please try to refrain from judging us as I work through my feelings.

Master and I aren’t doing well – we  argue a lot now.

I think we have to learn all over again how to meet each other’s needs. I’ve never done monogamy, I don’t know about single partner families. I know that both Master and I had many needs met from CC that we have never felt the need to give each other. But, she left, and now there is a hole. I can’t be CC for Master and he can’t be her for me.

And we are both broken because of it. I’ve always thought relationships were supposed to be whole in themselves. I buy into the whole person and whole relationships thing. Yet, I entered into a relationship that was already existing with two other people. I’m not sure how to make it be whole with Master.

I feel I can not meet his needs. He doesn’t really want what I have to offer, he wanted what I had to offer plus what CC had to offer. That’s the problem coming second (chronologically), you can’t help being complimentary. Now I know some things I need in my life. I need a partner (which I had in CC) and a Master (which I had in.. Master). I want to run a family with a partner and I want to have children and I want some of the normal things that everyone wants.  Master doesn’t know if he can give me those things.

I used to come up against this before and I would get upset with him for not providing it. Then, things got so good with CC and we were sharing our lives and it all balanced itself out. It was perfect. Now I don’t know how to give him the kind of submission he deserves when I am constantly battling to get my other types of needs met.  I am afraid he will give up on me because I can’t be that kind of slave without the partnership. I feel so lost.

Last night he didn’t like my attitude when he told me to get on the floor and out of his bed. I agree with him it was bad, but I desperately wanted him to understand where it was coming from. He got very angry and said that I can never allow him just to teach me something or tell me something I always debate and argue with him. He said he can’t tell me anything without me entering into a debate he can’t win.

I did apologize and tell him that I would try to have a better attitude. But, I still wanted to talk about it. I wanted to talk about how to fix it for the future. I tried to continue the conversation. He became angry and turned away.  Even when he agreed with me it was cold and angry. I was desperately trying to connect to him, and every time I tried to say the right thing it was wrong and he would get further and further away from me.

Finally I said, “Look I just want to lay here and be close to you, and we are laying in the same bed but we aren’t close.” Master said, “If you wanted to be close to me you should have just agreed with me twenty minutes ago and not debated me.”  I thought I had done that. That’s why I apologized.  I hadn’t felt we were debating. I was just trying to connect.

Ultimately he turned back, but he told me to be quiet. He said even my statement that I wasn’t trying to argue was a contradiction. I cried myself to sleep in his arms.

I used to be good at this stuff. I used to be a good slave. I felt like I was getting better and going deeper all the time. Now I’m both a lousy slave and a lousy partner.  I feel rejected and Master feels attacked.  There is no gesture I can make that will bring us closer together. And that makes me so sad.

Calling All Mirena Users

So, I’m thinking about getting the Mirena IUD. Actually, I have an appointment to do it this week. I am a bit freaked out by a couple things and would love to hear from people who aleady use it. All feedback is welcomed, but I’m obviously most interested in the positive stories.

Thanks in advance!

Judgment

Well, I’m sitting at the airport on my way home from the Shadowlane party.  My flight is delayed and I have a few minutes to write. This party has really got me thinking about identity issues and judgment.  I  certainly am in a different place than I’ve ever been before at one of these parties. I spent a lot of time thinking about this leading up to the party because I was worried about repeating events from the past.  Luckily they weren’t repeated, but I think it’s still worth writing about.

I’ve changed a lot over the last few years. I’ve gone from someone who was scraping by a living on a very part time job and living in a tiny apartment and trying to get established with this family I loved to a stay at home parent in a poly family doing exactly what I wanted with my life despite the disapproval I encountered from the outside. Now, I am working full time, taking care of the children, running the household.  I have responsibilities, debt, a family.

I didn’t ever intend to do it alone, but I’m at a place in my life and personal development that is really good and really important. I’ve come into my own, I guess. I totally own my life and my choices.  Even though things are hard right now what I am trying to do is move forward.

And yet, what I am running into is expectations and judgment.  So, I thought I might try to make a few things clear.

1. I am still the same person I have always been. I am a bright and intelligent woman. I am capable. I have well developed values and I have a pretty clear idea of what I want from life.

2.  I am a grownup. I am a parent. I am able to make my own choices and own them. I am able to make judgment calls. My greatest joy in life is to take care of people, and I love being taken care of in return.  I do not need parenting or people to tell me what to do. When I reach out for help what I need is support and opinions. I can make the final decisions by myself.

3. I am choosing to be in the situation I am in.  I love my Master. I want to be a slave. I love these children. This is exactly the situation I sought out aggressively five and a half years ago. Nobody manipulated me into the position i am in now.  In fact, Master tried to warn me away. I made a choice. Obviously the current sad events we are dealing with were not my goal, but it doesn’t change anything about my choice. These are the people I love and want to be with. This is the life I have chosen.

Poly Ramblings and Reflection

So, this started as a comment on The Heron Clan, but I decided as long winded as it was, it could double as a post here. It’s really just some ramblings about the positives and negatives of my life in the last few years- inspired by swan’s very intelligent and thoughtful post on the subject.

In my relationship I didn’t go looking for a poly family and didn’t really think it would work out. I was willing to try it because I liked Master (before he was my Master) and I felt worst case scenario it wouldn’t work out. It’s easy to feel that way before you’re invested. It did for a long time, and I was blissfully happy for much of it, and struggled a lot too.

Nearly six years later, the bottom has finally fallen out. Sort of.

I’ve discovered a lot about myself. I discovered that I am capable of loving more than one person. I discovered that monogamy probably isn’t for me. I discovered there were many benefits to us all living as a family the way we did. I have never experienced a relationship as unique or intimate as what I shared with my sister when things were good.

Then again, I also discovered the bad things. I discovered I hated not being able to be “legitimate.” I hated the isolation and loneliness that sometimes occurred while Master and my sister wife went separate directions with separate dates, or sometimes together. I hated the envious feelings that would inevitably emerge when they were together and I was the babysitter. I didn’t mind sharing at all, but I did hate the realities of having less to go around on all sides.

There was balance. I’d probably do it again if the right personality combination emerged.  Truth be told I want to do it again desperately. I miss so much about this. I never wanted to serve Master alone. Though having watched it take it’s toll on my sister wife who gave up a lot of what she really wanted out of life for years only to realize after it was too late to go back that she had changed, I would definitely be cautious.

Master is never going to be monogamous. He will always be with others, casually or otherwise. I don’t do casual. I need to share my life with someone, or people. I need sanctuary and intimacy. Poly living has been a blessing and a curse for me. I’ve tried to be grounded in reality about this the whole time.  I hope the next time around it will be what we all need.

Anyway, I’m rambling a loooooot and not sure I’ve said anything of value for anyone but me, but hey. There it is.

New Job

Well, my last company let me and everyone else who worked there go in mid January. I know I am by no means the only person in this position right now. I went through all kinds of panic about this because the timing was as bad as it could be for myself and my family.

Within a week I had a temporary job, for which I am extremely grateful because our finances are very tight.  This temporary job was meant to last anywhere from two to six months. It was a very unique situation, and I was very lucky to stumble into it. It also allowed me to delay filing for unemployment. I wanted to wait because I would have been entitled to a lot more in April than I was in January, given that I’d only worked for six months.

I was hesitant to take the temp job. I even told the ladies who interviewed me that I didn’t want something temporary and would be looking for more permanent options. I also asked to have flexibility with interviewing. I have no idea why they wanted me in light of that, but it sure has been great. I feel a little bit of guilt now that things have taken their course.

Anyway, it turns out I don’t need to file for unemployment. I was just offered a job today at a really big, good company. They shouldn’t be shaken by the current economic climate, and it’s more money (though by no means are our financial woes solved) than I’ve ever made before on my own. It’s also a big step up in terms of legitimacy, after having worked several shitty jobs in my life.

I actually thought there was very little chance I could actually get this position. It was sort of my holy grail. I’m still not really sure how it happened, but I can’t help but feel that there is an element of fate here. I am trying to put my life back in line with God, fate, the universe. I want to stop fighting and let things fall into place. I hope I can let this job be a first step for that. We all need to move in a positive direction now.

I Don’t See…

“I don’t see why you can’t do both the kids laundry and mine in the next two days and have it totally folded and put away.”

This was the declaration that Master made to me this morning. He’s made a lot of similar comments in the last couple of weeks. As far as I can tell, he wants me to do everything I did when I was home, except now I’m not home. I’m working an hour away at a temp job. If I am extremely lucky I will get a permanent job very soon in roughly the same location.

I get home at 6 pm every night. I make dinner in a rush.  Along with Master I try to coax the kids to do some homework. Then it’s time to put the baby to bed, which usually I do, but sometimes Master does as well. After that, I struggle to get the house picked up a little bit and dinner cleaned up and spend a little bit of quality time with Master before I am too exhausted to do anything else.

That is the extent of Master’s involvement in the household running. I clean the house. I cook the meals. I clean up the meals. I do the laundry. I do the grocery shopping. I clean up the extra messes that pop up when you have kids. In short, I do it all and occasionally am able to get Master’s help with the kids, if he’s not too busy with other things. I don’t think I should try to comment on the validity of the other things, I have opinions that some are more legit than others, but it doesn’t matter.

In theory, this is what I signed up for. I am a slave, and slaves do service. I certainly do a lot of it.  But I can’t keep up. I’m feeling like a total failure. Master is unhappy. Last weekend he went off on me about the house and laundry.  He is upset because the bathroom isn’t kept up (five people are sharing it) and he can’t keep track of his own towel. I hate that I can’t keep up with the small details.

On the other  hand, I’m angry. It’s not very slave like, but I’m having a hard time watching Master do nothing to very little around here and then have the nerve to be mad at me when things aren’t done. Also, he’s back to wallowing. He’s full of self pity about how he is a failure and he’s back to being totally focused on the loss of CC. I’m not sure grieving leaves room for any other relationships. I’m afraid this is the end for us because there isn’t any room for me anymore. I’m not taking any action on this, but I don’t know what to think. I’m tired of being all alone while he sits in his private shell of grief.

I’ve tried to talk to him about this and he says, “Is it unreasonable for me to expect you to do what I ask?” Well, no, but… and it’s the but where we get stuck. He won’t let me share it. He shuts down. We never finish a conversation.  I actually am not sure we ever have our entire relationship. Both CC and Master totally shut down.  They are happy to listen to a point but they aren’t interested in any active communication.

I’ve had every intention of having my next post be positive. Honestly, good things happen to me.  But, I’m hurting. It seems to go in cycles. Every time I think things are improving we go backwards. I’m tired of the isolation. I didn’t sign up to do it all alone. Even when I knew I would be living a life of service I thought it would be with help. That whole sister slave thing.  I’m overwhelmed and sad and I don’t know what to do anymore.

The kids are suffering. The baby has cried every day the last two weeks when I’ve dropped him off at day care. He doesn’t like the new early routine.  The older ones complain too. Yesterday they had no school and had to go to daycare. They whined all morning on the way. They don’t like the split schedule.They miss mommy and are sick of us because mommy leaves on her days off but we stay here all the time.

I’m miserable.  And now whose wallowing? Pot, meet kettle.