Being Me
16 Nov 2011 1 Comment
I’ve been in a bit of a cave recently. For a while now I’ve felt like I wanted to write something, but I haven’t really had the words. It can take me a long time to get the words, but once I do I tend to ramble on. I suppose this will be one of those. I’m sorry about that…
I’m going through some huge transitions right now. I’m trying to remain calm and focused, and I’ve mostly refrained from using this blog as a place to vent and work through things. My focus has been very internal. Master and I jumped off a cliff when we married K. We made decisions quickly and are now going through all of the adjustments you might expect – growing pains if you will.
For those of you who are wondering, yes it has been difficult for me. I don’t adjust to change easily. I like things to be stable and I like security. Having to let go of every single thing I thought was happening in my life to make room for something new isn’t an easy process. It may be rewarding, but it takes a lot of effort to get to that point.
Here is what I know:
I am a strong and capable person. I have faced many emotional challenges and come through them. I jumped into adulthood with little to no preamble. I went from being a pretty pampered kid (an only child from a middle class family) to a step parent of two (and later three) challenging children in what now feels like the blink of an eye. I entered into a very complicated relationship structure without having any real experience with relationships, and have made it work to varying degrees for eight years now. That is longer than most marriages today. I have faced judgement, intervention and criticism from my parents and friends. I have worked to navigate the often confusing and conflicting experience of being a Christian and being a kinky, poly, submissive, deviant person. I have sacrificed the things that I want in this life to make room for the people I love. I have done this again and again for years. It’s part of making things work.
Sometimes I wonder -Those of you who judge me for sticking around when things seem less than ideal, what is your track record with relationships? On what basis do you assume I should be doing something else? My grandparents were together for 70 years. My own parents have been together just over 25 years. I’ve seen stability and commitment modeled in my life and I’ve made decisions to pursue that. No, I won’t just walk away from people I love because it is hard for others to understand.
Here is what else I know:
I deserve to be happy and achieve the things that are important to me. We all do. I have dreams and desires and goals. I have given my “best years” in the service of others in the hope and expectation that we were building something together that would include my needs and desires. Not all of our goals and dreams and desires seem to be compatible, and I don’t know where that leaves us.
I know that I love my family.Master has been my rock for a long time. He has been the single most influential person in my life. He is a huge part of who I am today. I like who I am, so that is a good thing. I know that I belong with these children. They are challenging, but they deserve to have people in their lives who will love them unconditionally and help them become good and productive men. We are together by choice, and they need me. For all the pain they’ve caused me, I know we need each other. I know that K brings her own unique contributions to our family. We fell in love with her hard and fast, and we all jumped off a cliff together. We don’t know what things will look like when the dist settles, but we chose her and she chose us.
It’s time for me to start finding a way to give to my family and be where I am while still moving forward on the things that I want and need. We are in a period of change. K’s coming stirred a lot of things up. For all that it is painful, it is also an opportunity. Maybe that means giving a little less and putting my foot down on some things. Maybe that means asking for more help. Maybe it doesn’t mean any of those things. I don’t have the answers.
I read somewhere (in some self help book) that women make a shift in their later 20s from giving away themselves to standing up for their own needs. Developmentally I’m right on track. My grandparents turned this corner together in their own relationship, I know there is a way to do it myself.
I’m going back to my cave for now. I’m around and I will probably have some more to say here and there. If you want to do something, keep me in your thoughts or your prayers. Try to refrain from judging me. If you have experience making this transition, by all means share. Just know that I’m sort of a shitty friend and correspondent right now because I’m a bit… distracted. It doesn’t mean I don’t value your wisdom.
I’m here. I’m hanging in there. I have no idea beyond that.
Dr Who Scarf
26 Oct 2011 5 Comments
My lovely wife took this photo. I couldn’t wait to show everyone! This is a variation on how I will probably wear it for Halloween. I am going as the scarf.
On Being Down
19 Jul 2011 4 Comments
in Family, Master/slave dynamic, Polyamory
Lately I can’t figure out which way is up and which way is down. Just a little depressed I guess.
I lost the dog battle. Master and K didn’t want to keep Sadie because she is too high energy. I could have continued to fight it, but why? I can’t do it by myself, not with a dog that energetic and three children. Why rage against it if I can’t fix it by myself? I can’t help but feel anger and resentment about this. I feel I bought into yet another thing for all of us that didn’t pan out because not everyone was committed at the same level as me. The kids are also very upset. That doesn’t help my guilt level.
The other dog gets to stay – for now. If he can overcome his issues his personality is more in line with what the rest of the family expected. That is to say, he doesn’t need much exercise to stay sane and happy. I hope he continues to make progress with his other set of problems, because he is absolutely a sweetheart. I am a little consoled that he is still with us, but mostly I’m just sad. I fear losing him too.
Today is K’s birthday. I’ve tried a number of things leading up to today to try and make it special, but K and Master can’t get on the same page. She’s been depressed for weeks now about this, and just when I finally thought things were working out, another wrench got thrown. They seem to have this pattern of building up expectations with each other and stressing out about things and then…exploding. Nothing I do helps. It seems mostly that whatever I do doesn’t matter much if K and Master aren’t right. We try to say we have individual relationships, but it’s hard to completely separate them. I just want her to be happy. I want us to do something special for her and for her to know she is loved. Why is that so complicated? I’m trying to chill out for my own sanity, and because I genuinely want to do something nice and fun. I hope we are able to make that happen for her.
I am trying to find the balance between serving Master, being a good wife to K, and a parent to the children. Lately it seems I don’t have much energy. I have to find a way to get back on track and focus on the right things without depending on my partners to validate me. I’m going to start focusing on keeping a peaceful household as much as possible.
A few things, in no particular order: Find something productive to do every day so I don’t feel so useless. Focus on empathy with the children. Don’t get caught up in arguing and being right with anyone. Add scent to the house. Exercise. Try new recipes. Knit something (and finish it). Regular sleep cycles. Initiate more overt D/s behaviors with Master. Get focused on a slave mentality instead of a mother mentality. Any other suggestions?
Things I’m really enjoying lately: having K with us. It was empty with just the two of us. I feel we are complete again. Our sleep schedule. I get to sleep with both K and Master on a regular basis and it makes me really happy. It used to be very rare for me to end up in Master’s bed, and now I have two spouses to sleep with. It’s great! I’ve gotten to spend more one on one time with the older boys this summer than I have in a long time. They are much more interesting and neat separately. Together they can still be very overwhelming. It has given me some faith that they are actually heading on a good path. I’ve learned how to care for my hair in a way that actually makes me happy. Master and I went for a walk last week. It was nice to have some quiet time to connect with him. Finances are improving. We are starting to work out the budgeting mishaps that adding a 3rd person has highlighted.
I think I also need to focus on keeping my mouth shut more. I over communicate, that’s what Master says. I don’t have to get my opinion in about everything. I need to just go with the flow and enjoy things as much as possible. Things are overwhelming. I am a little depressed. I think I can come out of it, though. I just need to shift my focus. Our family is worth it, I think.
“Forever Home” – A Dog Saga
07 Jun 2011 5 Comments
This is a post about my dogs. Their names are Jubal and Sadie and they are lighting up my life.
If you’ve followed my various posts about animals I’ve loved and lost, you may know that recently I’ve had a bad run with animals. This is hard for me because I was raised with animals. I believe they should be a serious commitment and responsibility and it makes me sick to see so many people throwing away animals just because there is one small issue or another, or they got tired of taking care of them. I never thought I would be that person. Still, the list below will make it clear that in many ways I have become that person I never wanted to be. I’ll post their picture here, and you can read the extremely long saga behind the cut if you want to hear the tale. 
More
Congratulations and Best Wishes
23 Apr 2011 2 Comments
in Family
Master and K are married as of yesterday afternoon. I went along with them and served as a witness and official photographer. I can’t show you most of the photos from the day, but K approved this one. This is my marriage too, even if I don’t get a legal document.
Marriage
11 Mar 2011 5 Comments
in Family, Master/slave dynamic
Master and K are getting married! Some day we will have a ceremony for all of us, too. It just seems like the sort of thing you’re supposed to announce. Be happy for them! That is all.
Putting Up Walls And Tearing Them Down
23 Feb 2011 1 Comment
In my old relationship with CC everything moved very slowly. Although I bought into the family very quickly, it was not a simple thing to integrate. I always thought we would do well to get a new home when we all moved in together because CC had such a strong hold on this place. It was hers. I thought we should get somewhere that could be “ours”. That proved impossible, though, and I wasn’t going to turn down my dream of being a stay at home parent just because things weren’t ideal.
That’s a theme for me. CC often wanted to delay our relationship until things were “right” and I sort of pushed my way into the family little by little by becoming more and more involved in the running of things. I wouldn’t say I forced it, everyone wanted it, but I can say that CC always took some time to “come around” to things. I understood this, but I would be lying if I didn’t admit it hurt me sometimes. I felt like I gave everything to our family and constantly had to worried that it wasn’t welcome or understood. She told me she wanted a sister and someone to serve Master with, but when it came down to it it seemed she didn’t want to give up her identity as his “only” slave.
Over time things got really great. We loved each other (and told each other so) and we had a nice routine down. I think we could probably have continued happily for a long time if certain other events hadn’t gotten in the way all at the same time. That said, When she left, one of the things that CC realized is that she isn’t fully happy in a poly living situation. She had bought into a vision she couldn’t sustain. We didn’t know how to continue being close with each other while she and Master were divorcing. We haven’t totally figured that out, although I probably will always consider her to be my “sister” and I hope we will stay close as mutual friends and parents.
My current relationship is really different. First, it’s a little weird to find myself in the same position that CC used to occupy. Master and I have been together for seven years and been raising children and making a life together for a long time. I can’t help but enjoy the fact that I have a certain amount of primacy as a result of that. Not just as a “primary partner” but because we have a shared history and vision. Yet, our relationship has never been just the two of us. It was always based on CC’s presence and we really had to redefine our entire vision for ourselves and our family.
Two years later a new woman came into our lives. I’ve written about her, you all know her as K. It’s been very interesting to watch with a little detachment because both Master and I were immediately smitten. This is not a relationship that has moved carefully forward despite us slamming on the breaks. Instead, Master and I made a conscious decision to let her in – to let things work as long as they are working. It was only a matter of weeks before we were starting to think about long term possibilities.
K has integrated into our family in ways that I couldn’t have imagined at a similar stage in my relationship with Master. She stayed with us for a month over Christmas, and she is will be living with us beginning in May. Sometimes I wonder if we are in fact moving too fast. It’s certainly been a whirlwind, and I would be lying if I said everything has always been perfect. Things don’t plod along slowly between us like they did with CC, they are volatile and occasionally dramatic and so far there have been no issues that couldn’t be worked through. I don’t know which is better – having very little external drama for years only to have things break down when the drama does arrive, or having little dramas along the way.
There are things I thought I would get to have that I am having to sacrifice now. There are things I sacrificed to be with Master and CC in the first place. None of this is exactly how we thought our lives would go, but so far the shared vision is worth it. I can’t pretend it is all easy. It’s hard to let go of things you really want. The thing is, we love each other. We want to be together and we want to see what we can make of this crazy life with each other. That leaves me both happy, scared, and emotional. I’ve never been on this sort of ride before.
This weekend K and I celebrated Valentine’s day belatedly. Master doesn’t do the hallmark holiday thing, but I figured nobody could do cliche romance like two women. We went out for a romantic dinner together and drank a bottle of wine (because he loves us Master agreed to pick us up after!). We exchanged gifts. My gift to her was a simple bracelet with a trinity symbol on it. I wanted it to represent her place in this family and the fact that she is intertwined with us. We are no longer separate entities. I wanted her to know that she completes us. K’s gift to me was a jaw dropper. She kept telling me she had to drink more before she was ready to give it to me. When she finally did pull it out I saw a teddy bear with a ring on it’s foot. This wasn’t just any ring, though. This was her grandmother’s wedding ring. Amazingly, the ring has Master’s birthstone on it. When I wear it there are elements of all of us. This isn’t just coincidence in my opinion. I am still blown away as I sit here and think about it.
So here we are. All of us. Moving forward together. I don’t know what the future holds, and I’m still grieving the things I’ve lost. I’m wounded. Yet, I am embracing the things that are coming with open arms. Nobody knows the future, but right now things are exactly as they should be.
Toilet Paper
17 Jan 2011 6 Comments
Stupid. Fucking. Toilet paper. I have come to dread Master even using the bathroom because of how much it has it started to rule my life. I put so much time and energy into checking it, making sure there is some, freaking out if it’s low, worrying that a kid might use the rest of it and it will be my ass on the line… but, no matter how much energy I put into it I still fuck it up.
How may times have I gotten in trouble for it now? I’ve lost count. Yet, here I am this morning having been informed by Master that the bathroom is out of TP. Yeah. No matter that I have a clear memory of replacing it on Friday, there’s none today. Period. He says the punishment isn’t the point, but he’s not the one whose last punishment for said issue was so traumatizing … it doesn’t even matter. It just makes me really sad that I can’t figure this out, and it’s beginning to look that it’s not going to change.
I want to change for him. I understand why it’s important to him now. But I can’t do it. I fail every fucking time. over something so simple. So. Simple. *sigh*
It’s a good thing Master has K in his life now. She’s already proven more capable than me.
Apologies
16 Dec 2010 Leave a Comment
in Master/slave dynamic, The Punishment Book
Master,
I’m really sad today because I feel like I have really failed you recently. I hope in the near future I can prove to you that I can engage and provide you the kind of service you deserve, but I can understand why you might be questioning that.
K told me today that you are out of socks, and that another load of laundry has been discovered with ink on it. I just want you to know I’m really sorry. I don’t really even have any words for the situation – every time things fall behind you run out of things, and when I try to rush and catch up things slip through the cracks like with the ink on the laundry.
This is all my fault, and I’m really sorry. I imagine you will punish me if you feel it will help, but regardless I want you to know that I want to make this situation right and I’m working on it. I want to please you, and I’m trying to adjust my habits so that things like this will happen less and less. It shouldn’t ever happen, you deserve better than that.
love,
bridget
Further Domestic Experiments
08 Dec 2010 12 Comments
in Service
I am trying to move our family away from chemicals and expensive cleaning products and move toward more natural and inexpensive options. I figure most of this stuff is easy to do and anything that can simplify our lives is a good thing. However, a domestic diva I am not. Any regular reader here knows I struggle to stay on top of things on the home front. I hope that simplifying will help with that, too. One thing I am learning very quickly is that vinegar is my friend. So, without further ado, my experiments so far are as follows:
Laundry -Last night I made my own laundry soap using one bar of shredded ivory soap, one cup of borax and one cup of washing soda. It’s appropriate for front loading HE washers because it is low sudsing, and it is dirt cheap. I have yet to determine if I approve of the job it does on clothes, but I love that it’s all natural and that the ingredients can be used for other things in our home.
Dishes – I intend to use the borax and washing soda in our dishwasher too. Apparently equal parts borax and washing soda work well in the dishwasher and straight vinegar is an excellent rinse aid. For dish soap itself I’ve been using what’s left of our Dr. Bronner’s supplies and I want to switch to using it more broadly once we use up our current supply of dish soap. You can dilute the heck out of it and it cuts grease wonderfully without all the harsh detergent ingredients.
Windows – Vinegar and water work wonderfully as a glass cleaner. I am still experimenting with this, but I’ve read that adding cornstarch to the mix also helps a lot. Does anybody know if this is true, or have tips and suggestions for making it more effective?
Bathrooms – K showed me that baking soda and salt work really well to clean the bathtub and I imagine anywhere else where you need an abrasive scrubbing agent. That probably would never have occurred to me though! Go K! I also know you can use straight vinegar in the tub and in the toilet as it is a natural disinfecting agent.
Floors - Once again, vinegar can be used either diluted or straight to clean vinyl floors. I also tend to turn to clear ammonia diluted in water when mopping, although ammonia scares me a little bit more. It may be natural, but it’s still a poison. I suspect Dr. Bronner’s would probably do a decent job in a pinch, too. Also, K recently taught me about the stain fighting power of vinegar when we spilled red wine on our light carpet. A little bit of white vinegar poured directly onto the spot and it just disappeared as if by magic! I’m going to try it on a few of our other stains and see if it helps at all.
I still need a good all purpose cleaner, preferably one I can mix in relatively small quantities and spray. Does anyone have a favorite recipe? These changes are really making me feel good about the sorts of things we have in our home and they are definitely good for the budget. I welcome any thoughts or tips because this is still largely new to me.
Recent Comments