As seems to be usual for me, after having a couple of days to chill out about it, I suspect I was too harsh on Master in my last rant. I feel this even more as I spent yesterday at home due to a snowstorm that shut down our office, but basically got nothing done. Except napping and being emotional - did a fair bit of that. I think I probably hurt Master’s feelings by writing what I did, and I’m sorry for that. I hope he isn’t still upset with me, but it’s hard to say.
I’m still sick, I can’t seem to shake this sinus infection I have. I don’t want to go to the doctor, but maybe I will. Master is really frustrated with me for being sick so much. I wish I knew what to do because I get my feelings hurt when I feel like crap and he is annoyed with me for not being productive, but I know it is frustrating too to have plans and no way to achieve them.
Things feel really off between Master and I. Nothing earth shattering or relationship breaking, just off. He’s been distant and preoccupied. We had the kids this week and it seems that both of us were on edge and tempers were near the surface. Sometimes I think our parenting has suffered the worst blow in this divorce.
The little guy has been really clingy and sad lately. I feel bad dropping him off at daycare, I feel bad putting him to bed at a normal hour because we haven’t had much time with him. I feel bad leaving him in the room to fall asleep by himself because he wants someone to stay with him. Basically I feel bad constantly because I can’t be there for him the way I like.
Then there are the twins who make life extremely difficult. They are rude, they are destructive, and they don’t care. I know this is a boy thing, and that’s life. I know every parent goes through it. But it makes me so angry, and I feel like a total failure. We only get them every other week now, and half the time it is a relief when they leave. Then I feel guilty for feeling that way and sad that I don’t enjoy them more when they are here. I lose my temper, at times, and yeah. I just worry constantly that I’m ruining them, that if we could have a better relationship everything would work out with them.
What I want is for us to snuggle up, relax, have lots of sex, whatever with Master. Try to get back on the same page and feel connected. Master frequently does not feel the same disconnects that I do, so he may think everything is fine, I dunno. I just know I’d like us to be in a good place before we get the kids back again.
Every time I think I am going to focus more on service I fail. I want so much to be a service oriented person. I want to make Master’s life easier. Yet usually I feel like I make it harder. I can’t really tell if what I need is to sleep for two days straight and then try to kick ass while being well rested, or if I just need to get over myself. I think Master mostly thinks I need to get over myself. I would say that’s not fair, but obviously I judge him too at times, so who is to say. How do you make yourself stay productive while fighting exhaustion? I dunno.
I had a nice talk with CC yesterday. She said she still loves us and I told her we still love her. She says she wants to find a way for us to be closer, just that she didn’t feel it was sustainable how it was. I don’t really know what to say. I am so up and down and back and forth on that. I want to be closer to her too, but I don’t know what options are available to us anymore. I wish I knew what to think or feel about all this.
Master is seeing a new girl, J. I don’t know if it will go anywhere, but I really like her. I think I like her so much because I relate to her. She doesn’t have any poly experience before us, and she said she was really nervous to meet me after spending the day with Master. He made her stick around even though she wanted to bolt, and it was fun. We played card games while Master watched hockey.
She’s since brought over cupcakes and bought me Halloween socks! I can see a great friendship developing if nothing else, and it’s nice to have another woman around the house once in a while. Sometimes I think the best way to do poly is with inexperienced people because they don’t come with a lot of expectations about it. I guess time will tell there.
What else? I’m having another one of my periodic freakouts about merging my faith with my lifestyle. I wish Master was willing to marry me, it would make like so much simpler. I understand his reservations and they are all perfectly valid. He doesn’t agree with marriage to begin with for policital reasons. He is concerned that if we get married he won’t be able to marry anyone else he sees and that’s not really fair. He feels the church doesn’t really accept me. Yet, I feel like doing this is between us and God, and it’s noone elses business in the church what other relationships we might have. If we were to be married it would be about he and I, not anyone else. Maybe I compartmentalize too much, I dunno.
I highly highly doubt there are any other Orthodox Christians who lurk here, but if there are, advice is welcome.
I guess that is all for the time being. Master and I are going to a Haloween party tonight. Hopefully it will be fun! My costume involves a mask, I have a feeling I won’t be wearing it for all that long. This sure was a jumble of thoughts. Stream of consciousness at it’s best or worst, dependning on how you look at it. Thanks for reading.