Radio Silence

I’ve been silent a long time.  A whole year.  I’m not prepared to say I’m coming back, but I do feel like I should post something in 2012.  I want to put a period on the year.  At a recent MAsT meeting we discussed our year in review and talked about goals for the next year.  I said I don’t really have any goals for the next year, I’m usually too worried about the next hour or the next day.  Things are busy.  So, some highlights to follow:

Work and Family

Things continue to move right along with Master and K.  We are still married and still working things out.  It’s still a tough situation for me sometimes, but we all love each other and we are all committed to finding a way to make it work. As my last post a year ago implied,  I’m dealing a lot with the consequences of having gone directly from child to parent and slave.  I feel that I missed some essential and normal developmental pieces around having an independent identity, and I’m just not sure what to do about it. 

The big kids are way too big (taller than me now, by a LOT), but doing better than I’ve ever seen them.  They seem happy and love their new school. They still aren’t really performing in school, but they want to be there and want to succeed at something, and that is huge.  

The baby is now in first grade, so I guess that makes him not a baby… and that is sort of unacceptable.  This week he told me that I need to knock before entering his room and that I broke his space bubble with a surprise hug.  So, that is pretty much unacceptable too.  I need him to stay tiny forever and ever. 

We are dealing with some practical issues.  I changed jobs in May, which was best for my career path.  Unfortunately I rather hate my job, so I’m ready to start looking again.  Master lost his job, and although he is doing some contract work it will be a while before we see any income.   K is also working, although she is not happy with her part time hours.  I am hoping both of them will feel good about their job situations soon, I really dislike being the breadwinner. 

Other Stuff

This year has been a big year for me in a couple of other key ways.  It seems that I am now involved in a second D/s relationship. This is still evolving, so I don’t have all the details, but it sure is interesting! For years now (around 7) I’ve had a crush on another local Master (Scary Master Lady).  She is a friend of our family and a personal friend of mine.  She is one of the few other people I’ve ever been able to truly connect with about M/s because She and Master have similar views about the subject.  She has a slave of Her own, who I also have a special friendship with. And of course, She is also really intimidating and a heavy player.  I’ve been smitten for a long time, while at the same time assuming that nothing will ever happen between us.

However, that changed.  One day at Her house I had an embarrassing incident where I suddenly felt like I should not use Her furniture, and jumped out of a chair just as She was coming around the corner.  She picked up on this immediately and said, “You can use the furniture.”  This one moment led to a lot of conversation between the two of us, and Master.  He told me I can and should be deferential to Her.  Later He told me I should go further than deference – I should actively obey Her. 

This is an ongoing process.  We did a scene back in August.  She and Master negotiated the whole thing, my only job was to show up and be beaten. She said, “I’m not looking for you to go anywhere or experience anything, you just need to endure.”  It was intense. Since then Master let Her know that I am available for service, and She has taken Him up on that offer a few times.  I’ve done such sexy tasks as cleaning Her windows for five hours straight, doing legal filing and scrubbing Her carpet.

Although She initially was unsure She wanted to have expectations of someone else’s property, She has decided to establish some rules.  Right now She is working on putting together a set of protocols and standing orders for me.  This is going to be a challenge for me.  I’m set in my ways with Master and learning new things is hard.  She also operates pretty differently from Him, so I am not really sure what to expect or how that will go.

I honestly have no idea where this is all going.  The only thing I really know is that She is the only person other than Master to ever inspire these sorts of deep submissive feelings in me.  The infatuation is strong and ongoing.  My family is sick of hearing about Her.  And of course, it feels great that Master is ok with this and encouraging.  It’s taking up a lot of my spare time and brain power, but it’s been a real light in my life lately. 

So, this is where I am right now.  My circumstances are ever changing, and I’m juggling a few balls.  I’m up and down, and I don’t know what 2013 has to offer me, but I’m excited to find out. 

Being Me

I’ve been in a bit of a cave recently. For a while now I’ve felt like I wanted to write something, but I haven’t really had the words. It can take me a long time to get the words, but once I do I tend to ramble on. I suppose this will be one of those. I’m sorry about that…

I’m going through some huge transitions right now. I’m trying to remain calm and focused, and I’ve mostly refrained from using this blog as a place to vent and work through things. My focus has been very internal. Master and I jumped off a cliff when we married K. We made decisions quickly and are now going through all of the adjustments you might expect – growing pains if you will.

For those of you who are wondering, yes it has been difficult for me. I don’t adjust to change easily. I like things to be stable and I like security. Having to let go of every single thing I thought was happening in my life to make room for something new isn’t an easy process. It may be rewarding, but it takes a lot of effort to get to that point.

Here is what I know:

I am a strong and capable person. I have faced many emotional challenges and come through them. I jumped into adulthood with little to no preamble. I went from being a pretty pampered kid (an only child from a middle class family) to a step parent of two (and later three) challenging children in what now feels like the blink of an eye. I entered into a very complicated relationship structure without having any real experience with relationships, and have made it work to varying degrees for eight years now. That is longer than most marriages today. I have faced judgement, intervention and criticism from my parents and friends. I have worked to navigate the often confusing and conflicting experience of being a Christian and being a kinky, poly, submissive, deviant person. I have sacrificed the things that I want in this life to make room for the people I love. I have done this again and again for years. It’s part of making things work.

Sometimes I wonder -Those of you who judge me for sticking around when things seem less than ideal, what is your track record with relationships? On what basis do you assume I should be doing something else? My grandparents were together for 70 years. My own parents have been together just over 25 years. I’ve seen stability and commitment modeled in my life and I’ve made decisions to pursue that. No, I won’t just walk away from people I love because it is hard for others to understand.

Here is what else I know:

I deserve to be happy and achieve the things that are important to me. We all do. I have dreams and desires and goals. I have given my “best years” in the service of others in the hope and expectation that we were building something together that would include my needs and desires. Not all of our goals and dreams and desires seem to be compatible, and I don’t know where that leaves us.

I know that I love my family.Master has been my rock for a long time. He has been the single most influential person in my life. He is a huge part of who I am today. I like who I am, so that is a good thing. I know that I belong with these children. They are challenging, but they deserve to have people in their lives who will love them unconditionally and help them become good and productive men. We are together by choice, and they need me. For all the pain they’ve caused me, I know we need each other. I know that K brings her own unique contributions to our family. We fell in love with her hard and fast, and we all jumped off a cliff together. We don’t know what things will look like when the dist settles, but we chose her and she chose us.

It’s time for me to start finding a way to give to my family and be where I am while still moving forward on the things that I want and need. We are in a period of change. K’s coming stirred a lot of things up. For all that it is painful, it is also an opportunity. Maybe that means giving a little less and putting my foot down on some things. Maybe that means asking for more help. Maybe it doesn’t mean any of those things. I don’t have the answers.

I read somewhere (in some self help book) that women make a shift in their later 20s from giving away themselves to standing up for their own needs. Developmentally I’m right on track. My grandparents turned this corner together in their own relationship, I know there is a way to do it myself.

I’m going back to my cave for now. I’m around and I will probably have some more to say here and there. If you want to do something, keep me in your thoughts or your prayers. Try to refrain from judging me. If you have experience making this transition, by all means share. Just know that I’m sort of a shitty friend and correspondent right now because I’m a bit… distracted. It doesn’t mean I don’t value your wisdom.

I’m here. I’m hanging in there. I have no idea beyond that.

Dr Who Scarf

My lovely wife took this photo. I couldn’t wait to show everyone! This is a variation on how I will probably wear it for Halloween. I am going as the scarf.

On Being Down

Lately I can’t figure out which way is up and which way is down. Just a little depressed I guess.

I lost the dog battle. Master and K didn’t want to keep Sadie because she is too high energy. I could have continued to fight it, but why? I can’t do it by myself, not with a dog that energetic and three children. Why rage against it if I can’t fix it by myself? I can’t help but feel anger and resentment about this. I feel I bought into yet another thing for all of us that didn’t pan out because not everyone was committed at the same level as me. The kids are also very upset. That doesn’t help my guilt level.

The other dog gets to stay – for now. If he can overcome his issues his personality is more in line with what the rest of the family expected. That is to say, he doesn’t need much exercise to stay sane and happy. I hope he continues to make progress with his other set of problems, because he is absolutely a sweetheart. I am a little consoled that he is still with us, but mostly I’m just sad. I fear losing him too.

Today is K’s birthday. I’ve tried a number of things leading up to today to try and make it special, but K and Master can’t get on the same page. She’s been depressed for weeks now about this, and just when I finally thought things were working out, another wrench got thrown. They seem to have this pattern of building up expectations with each other and stressing out about things and then…exploding. Nothing I do helps. It seems mostly that whatever I do doesn’t matter much if K and Master aren’t right. We try to say we have individual relationships, but it’s hard to completely separate them. I just want her to be happy. I want us to do something special for her and for her to know she is loved. Why is that so complicated? I’m trying to chill out for my own sanity, and because I genuinely want to do something nice and fun. I hope we are able to make that happen for her.

I am trying to find the balance between serving Master, being a good wife to K, and a parent to the children. Lately it seems I don’t have much energy. I have to find a way to get back on track and focus on the right things without depending on my partners to validate me. I’m going to start focusing on keeping a peaceful household as much as possible.

A few things, in no particular order: Find something productive to do every day so I don’t feel so useless. Focus on empathy with the children. Don’t get caught up in arguing and being right with anyone. Add scent to the house. Exercise. Try new recipes. Knit something (and finish it). Regular sleep cycles. Initiate more overt D/s behaviors with Master. Get focused on a slave mentality instead of a mother mentality. Any other suggestions?

Things I’m really enjoying lately: having K with us. It was empty with just the two of us. I feel we are complete again. Our sleep schedule. I get to sleep with both K and Master on a regular basis and it makes me really happy. It used to be very rare for me to end up in Master’s bed, and now I have two spouses to sleep with. It’s great! I’ve gotten to spend more one on one time with the older boys this summer than I have in a long time. They are much more interesting and neat separately. Together they can still be very overwhelming. It has given me some faith that they are actually heading on a good path. I’ve learned how to care for my hair in a way that actually makes me happy. Master and I went for a walk last week. It was nice to have some quiet time to connect with him. Finances are improving. We are starting to work out the budgeting mishaps that adding a 3rd person has highlighted.

I think I also need to focus on keeping my mouth shut more. I over communicate, that’s what Master says. I don’t have to get my opinion in about everything. I need to just go with the flow and enjoy things as much as possible. Things are overwhelming. I am a little depressed. I think I can come out of it, though. I just need to shift my focus. Our family is worth it, I think.

Congratulations and Best Wishes

Master and K are married as of yesterday afternoon. I went along with them and served as a witness and official photographer. I can’t show you most of the photos from the day, but K approved this one. This is my marriage too, even if I don’t get a legal document.

Marriage

Master and K are getting married! Some day we will have a ceremony for all of us, too. It just seems like the sort of thing you’re supposed to announce. Be happy for them! That is all.

Further Domestic Experiments

I am trying to move our family away from chemicals and expensive cleaning products and move toward  more natural and inexpensive options. I figure most of this stuff is easy to do and anything that can simplify our lives is a good thing. However, a domestic diva I am not. Any regular reader here knows I struggle to stay on top of things on the home front. I hope that simplifying will help with that, too.  One thing I am learning very quickly is that vinegar is my friend. So, without further ado, my experiments so far are as follows:

Laundry –Last night I made my own laundry soap using one bar of shredded ivory soap, one cup of borax and one cup of washing soda.  It’s appropriate for front loading HE washers because it is low sudsing, and it is dirt cheap. I have yet to determine if I approve of the job it does on clothes, but I love that it’s all natural and that the ingredients can be used for other things in our home.

Dishes – I intend to use the borax and washing soda in our dishwasher too. Apparently equal parts borax and washing soda work well in the dishwasher and straight vinegar is an excellent rinse aid.  For dish soap itself I’ve been using what’s left of our Dr. Bronner’s supplies  and I want to switch to using it more broadly once we use up our current supply of dish soap.  You can dilute the heck out of it and it cuts grease wonderfully without all the harsh detergent ingredients.

Windows – Vinegar and water work wonderfully as a glass cleaner. I am still experimenting with this, but I’ve read that adding cornstarch to the mix also helps a lot. Does anybody know if this is true, or have tips and suggestions for making it more effective?

Bathrooms – K showed me that baking soda and salt work really well to clean the bathtub and I imagine anywhere else where you need an abrasive scrubbing agent.  That probably would never have occurred to me though! Go K! I also know you can use straight vinegar in the tub and in the toilet as it is a natural disinfecting agent.

Floors – Once again, vinegar can be used either diluted or straight to clean vinyl floors. I also tend to turn to clear ammonia diluted in water when mopping, although ammonia scares me a little bit more. It may be natural, but it’s still a poison. I suspect Dr. Bronner’s would probably do a decent job in a pinch, too.   Also, K recently taught me about the stain fighting power of vinegar when we spilled red wine on our light carpet. A little bit of white vinegar poured directly onto the spot and it just disappeared as if by magic!  I’m going to try it on a few of our other stains and see if it helps at all.

I still need a good all purpose cleaner, preferably one I can mix in relatively small quantities and spray. Does anyone have a favorite recipe? These changes are really making me feel good about the sorts of things we have in our home and they are definitely good for the budget. I welcome any thoughts or tips because this is still largely new to me.

Just Writing

I’m considering giving up my paper journal. Master doesn’t like reading paper, it takes me a long time to write, and … I don’t know. I’m just considering getting rid of it. It’s weird to have some things here that are so personal and open and some things in this paper book that I only pull out periodically. I don’t know.  I’m still thinking this through.

There have been lots of things going on in my world! It seems this time of year is always a whirl wind starting in September and going right through the end of the year. First the kids all have birthdays, then it’s Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Master’s Birthday…it never ends. I think things are going really well, though!

I’m still super happy and extremely smitten with K. She’s been down every weekend and despite a few small glitches I think things are moving in the right direction. I think having her here on the weekends has been a really good way to ease into family life rather than doing the awkward “dating” thing that I seem to have issues with. I’ve really enjoyed and appreciated her help around the house and her company. I enjoy seeing Master enjoy her too, even if occasionally it’s hard to see him falling hard for her and not feeling the same sort of spark with us.

I feel like this is something that could really work. I don’t know what the details look like, but it feels like all the elements are there, and things feel really serious. My relationship with Master moved really slowly for a couple of years, with me being integrated in small ways over time to ease things for CC. I was never totally sure if she wanted me fully involved or not.  By the time she left I was under the impression she did, but obviously our family broke down so I guess I was mistaken there. This time has been really different. It all happened right away and we are all feeling it. I hope we aren’t rushing into anything we will regret, but right now it all feels good.  It’s weird because I am under the impression we are moving forward together, but I am not sure what language is appropriate to put on things at this stage. Is she my partner? my wife? my giiiiirlfriend? Maybe all of the above… I wish labels didn’t matter so much to me, then I could be carefree like Master! 😉

Thanksgiving was also great. We got to go see Master’s family and everyone was there. I got to meet his grandma and she showed me how to make pie and promised me some goodies. I’m super excited about it actually! It’s really nice to connect with his family because they are so accepting and non judgmental. And I got everything I wanted in a Thanksgiving feast, complete with Turkey, Stuffing, Candied Yams and Green Bean Casserole. I wasn’t sure how it was going to end up since Master’s family isn’t big on planning.  But yeah, this is one of the nicest stress free holidays I’ve been part of in a long time. I’m really glad I got to share it with Master and his family.

It’s ironic to me, with all this good stuff going on and me making an effort to be more positive, Master has expressed that he thinks I’m “always having an issue” and that he’s stopped being willing to rearrange his life around my emotions because of it. I have tried to show him that I am not always upset and to let the little things go, but so far he’s pretty stuck on it. It seems if I bring up even a small thing it sets him off. Also it seems he doesn’t always believe what I say. I told him that I am fine with a girl coming to visit us for a week in the new year and he said he thinks I’m not actually ok because of my “demeanor” when I discuss her.

I don’t want to put on a false “happy” attitude, but am I required to be chipper and June Cleaver in order to be “ok” and not “always have an issue” ? How do I break this negative impression he has of me and show him I love him and I’m pleased with our relationship? Also how do I express the actual issues when they come up in a way that will convince him to take notice and do something about them? How can I stop being blown off over everything because he assumes I will never be happy? I need to be able to be “negative” on occasion to keep things good over all… this is a confusing issue for me. Every effort I’ve made so far has fallen on deaf ears/ been ignored.

At any rate, things are going well over here. I’m busy but happy and trying to find new ways to look at life and my relationship. What is there to say? Life is good.

Another Punishment

I slammed a door on Thursday. It was in the heat of passion during the argument Master and I had. I tried to write about it then but didn’t manage to do it.  I’m still getting emotional even now writing about it.

I’m not sure why some punishments are so much more emotionally jarring than others, especially when things are so cut and dried. I did slam the door. I shouldn’t do that.  The kids can’t be expected to control themselves if the adults around them can’t, and anyway it’s rude.  No question.

So Master punished me. First he made me stand in the corner for around half an hour, until the kids were in bed and his hockey game was over. I was extremely upset during this part because I was still so upset/ hurt about our argument. Waiting in the corner didn’t really help me calm down, although I doubt it was intended to. I think he just didn’t want to see my face right then. He seemed pretty mad.  Then he sent me down to the basement to wait for him.  It wasn’t a very long wait, either.

I thought Master might make me wait a long time because they kids weren’t asleep, but Master went for music turned up loud in the office and the TV on in the living room.  He spanked me very hard with his hand after a brief lecture about how he hopes it will remind me to do the right thing next time.  I know I was surprised that I got a hand spanking. I half expected him to whip his belt out of his pants and beat me with it because he was so displeased with me, but he didn’t.

Afterwards I was shattered. I felt so much angry energy coming off of Master, and although he let me talk to him about how I was feeling about our argument, I still was feeling hurt and sad and I’m not sure I said anything really useful. I’m still sad that Master perceives me as having an attitude so often when I don’t feel it myself.

Anyway, ultimately I went to bed in his bed, and the next morning we had sex. Unfortunately it wasn’t the kind of sex I was hoping for, not really the warm and “reconnecting” sex I’d been looking for, but instead it was more like punishment part 2. He described it afterward as maintenance, but basically he had strong words for me about who is in charge, who decides when we have sex, what my attitude should be, etc.  Ultimately I cried as much from this as from the argument, or the spanking. All of it was very intense.

Master uses sex in this way somewhat regularly – that is to say -he uses it to reinforce messages he wants me to internalize. Often he isn’t focused on the specific words so much as the tone. It’s a pretty effective and powerful mechanism in our relationship.  I wouldn’t want him to stop using it. But this time, wow.

A weekend of camping later and I’m still a bit raw and shell shocked. I want to connect with Master but I’m a little unsure how to go about it. I don’t want to make him feel that I didn’t hear anything he said to me.  I want to fix this.

I guess that’s all. He punished me. I deserved it. I’m still working through it. The end.

I don’t want negative comments on this post. I’m not writing it to slam Master or otherwise make people feel sorry for me. I deserved to be punished and now I just have to process it. This is only public because Master asked me to tag these for him so that he can see how I’m doing. If you have insight, fine. Please share. If you want to tell me how horrible Master is for putting me through this, don’t bother. Your comments won’t remain on this post.

Looking Up

Recently Master and I celebrated our 7th anniversary.  Seven years! Wow. Part of me feels like we’ve always been together and part of me feels like it all just happened yesterday.

I feel like there are several things I would like to write about, but actually putting words on them is difficult for me.  I’m really happy overall about my relationship with Master. I think having K come into our lives at this time has made a big impact and helped both of us deal with some of the residual grief. Although we both hope things will work out with her, even if they don’t there is light at the end of the tunnel.  We have ideas for our future and we know there are people who will fit into our lives again. And that is really amazing.

Other amazing things – Master says he is ready to marry me.  There are some formalities (such as him divorcing CC) in the way, but he says it’s definitely going to happen. I’m still a bit worried that when it comes time for him to say the things he has to say to make it happen in my church that it will not happen, but I know Master is not one to say something like that lightly, and if he is saying it he means it! I am all excited about it!

Also, Master has recently said things to indicate that I am definitely going to get to have a baby. He hasn’t committed to a time frame, and I’m ok with that, but it is really awesome for me to watch the way he talks about it change. It’s little things really, things like correcting me when I said, “If we did that I could have babies…” and saying, “Uh, baby.”  Or things like, “If you are pregnant for xyz it could be a concern.” Those may sound small, but it tells me he’s thinking about it as a reality and not a hypothetical. And,  he’s also suggested that the  time may be coming soon! Between the two things I’m really sort of on cloud 9. I know, it’s never good to get your expectations up too high, but everything feels great right now!

No, everything isn’t perfect, I guess it never will be, but I’m definitely feeling some better balance. On the down side, I’m sick. I’ve missed two days of work so far, and I’m worried about that.  Master says I worry unnecessarily, but still. It’s a concern. I hate it.  Nothing to be done, though. I hope this isn’t a winter of me constantly being sick.

Also, I’m feeling extra lame as a housekeeper right now. I feel like I’m not on top of anything lately. Master just cleaned our laundry room up and its already back to scary. We are behind on laundry, we are behind on deep cleaning, I just got grocery shopping done today because I was home sick … I feel like my domestic skills are just really slipping and I was never a whiz to begin with. I don’t know. Maybe K will wind up having a major love of housework. A girl can dream, right?

Also not so great, I’m feeling irrational jealousy over girls Master talks to online. Ironic I guess that the girl who is actually in our lives taking up Master’s time and changing things at home isn’t causing me any real anxiety, but the girls he chats to online in other states, they upset me.  Anyone into psychology want to tell me what is up with that? I feel like a real crazy person about it.

I guess that’s all for now. Lots of stuff still stuck in my brain. More on this later.